With such specific questions, I have difficulty finding “white lies” to keep her satisfied and safe from “exit seeking” where she lives (residential memory care) to go home to her husband. It’s horrible watching her deal with the trauma of the news every time we get into this loop.
Any suggestions?
“Dad passed 2 years ago ago in his sleep. What do you want for dinner?”
”Your husband passed 1 year ago from heart problems. He is in heaven now. How do you feel about taking a walk with me now?”
Usually, I would say to either tell fibs or to deflect. It makes it difficult because your mum is asking such specific questions that make it seem as if she has partial memories that she wants confirmed.
Have you ever asked her: what makes you ask? That way you might find out what is prompting this and whether there are any memories of your dad intact. That could help you in deciding how to deal with this.
I don't know if having a framed picture of your dad, with his name and the dates of his life written on a pretty card (like a commemorative plaque) at the base of the picture, inside the frame would help. Then, next to it, a framed picture of your mum and dad with their names and the date of their marriage written underneath.
Perhaps, using those pictures, you could tell your mum the story of their lives together. A nice, comforting story, just giving the highlights, ending with your mum in a pretty room, remembering her lovely marriage and life.
It might not help, or it might. Although you can't do this every time if your mum is in a loop.
The little fibs - her husband is at work and will be home soon - could be hurtful to you and could cause confusion if at some level your mum does know he's gone. Also, it could just precipitate more difficult questions.
Don't say, don't you remember? As that could cause your mum pain and highlight her growing difficulties.
I'm sorry for this difficult time and hope that this loop ends soon, for both yours and your mum's peace of mind.
Eventually she may drop the subject (but expect her to get into another loop).
I'm sorry, I know this is hard.