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Last time mom said that Michou (me) send her regards to me. I was so surprised I answered that I was Michou! She laughed and said : you are my first born! (I’m an only child). Later she presented me correctly as her daughter Michou.


Some other time before this when she looked at me she said : I don’t recognize you, you are family, aren’t you?


She doesn’t have good sight. So I thought she didn’t see me correctly. After so many years, my denial is still strong!


At the residence they say to go with the delusion, ok, but how?


Thank you!

Thank you every one! I know I’ll have to adjust... again! Chances are that mom will take me for her mom, it happened when she was hospitalized! Because I took care for her in a so maternal manner for years long before she needs the memory facility all through her cancer, surgery and the loss of her husband, my dear father ( and besides her all along the long agony of pop!)

It’s another form of agony, at least for me. For her, as long as I go with her delusion (2h conversation about her plush robot dog) she’s fine. I’ll maintain the illusion. I’ll find my own way to cope.

God bless you and your loved ones
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bicycler May 20, 2019
Michou, that's great that you've found the answer (maintaining the illusion) that works for your mom and I hope that you'll find a way to make it work for you, as well. Going with the illusion worked for my dad and me. During his last 5 years (he died 2 months ago at age 97), he usually thought I was one or more of his brothers until he finally almost always thought I was his dad. But once in a great while, he actually called me by name and seemed to know I was his son, even shortly before he died. Regardless, he always recognized me as someone familiar, helpful and friendly and that helped both of us get through his last stage of Alzheimer's. Best wishes to you and your mom in this difficult journey.
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My LO no longer knows anyone, however, once when the Hospice nurse asked her if she knew who I was, she said, "Of course." SHOCKED us all. (She is no longer verbal, but, came out with that. Nothing since then though.) But, I don't think the knew. She just knew that I was a nice lady who was there with a smile to comfort her. Once she told her doctor that I was her best friend and so was the MC staff member who was with us. (I'm her cousin and caretaker, but, friend too.)

If she asked that you might be family, I'd likely say that I am your family and love you. And play it by ear if that is unsettling to her.

I stopped asking her about knowing names or if she knew me. It was obvious she didn't. So, I would just approach her with a big smile, touch her arm lightly and give a compliment, before beginning my visit. I always say, how lovely she looks in that nice top, her hair is so pretty, etc. I talk about my parents, give update on them, the weather, show her photos on my phone, just as if she does not have dementia. I don't expect any response and do not get any.

You might take her things that she likes to discuss. My LO loved animals, especially cats, so there were always cat pictures, cat t-shirts, things she would enjoy to talk about. It didn't really matter who I was. But, I can imagine that for a daughter, that would be painful and quite an adjustment, so, I know that must be tough.
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My 92 year old mother introduces me as her mother. To all the people I've known at the ALF where she lives for the past 4 years. Sometimes twice in the same visit. Today she told me her friend Ann told her she was so lucky to have such a wonderful husband like Chuck. Chuck is my husband, her son in law. Welcome to the rabbit hole of dementia, where every day and every person is brand new 24/7. It's really hard to watch the decline of these women who once took care of us, and accept that we're now taking care of them. The whole thing is gut wrenching, frankly, and it's tough not to get depressed, isn't It? I don't think arguing with them or constantly correcting them achieves a good result, because once they have an idea in their head, it's there to stay. Roll with punches to the best of your ability, is my suggestion.
Brest of luck
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Sometimes my mom introduces me to staff that I am her mother or sister, staff knows who I am. I just let her go and let her think I am her mother, sister or she gets it right and knows I’m her daughter. I don’t correct her it just confuse her more.
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My Grandma would ask my Dad what his name was as she thought that he was the "handy man" who came to her apt to "fix things".  When Dad told Grandma what his name was, Grandma would reply, "I have a son by that name."  She just could not realize that Dad and her Son were the same person.  We would just laugh it off as "Grandma being Grandma".  She rarely recognized anyone the last 2 years of her life (age 92-94) and we considered it a blessing when she did know a family member.

One blessing occurred when I stopped at her apt to pick her up so that she could attend a party at my parents' house.  When I opened the car door so that Grandma could get into my car, she commented, "You got a new car!  I like it!"  And even though Grandma had seen this car a couple of times since I had gotten it 6 months earlier; it was a blessing that she realized that this car was different from the car that I had driven for almost 10 years.  You take your blessings when they happen. 😊
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I know it's difficult especially at first but if you can bring yourself around to simply join her in whatever time of her life, dream or fantasy she is living in at the moment rather than see it as her decline or forgetting/not knowing you enjoy getting to know her where she is. Just go with it. I often find that just going along with the conversation I can either figure out what mom is talking about (aphasia and some dementia no doubt) or if she is calling me by her sisters name (she has done this at times for ever) she figures it out and corrects herself or I just let it go. So far I know she she knows who I am no matter what she calls me but when the time comes that she really does think I'm her sister and I expect it will I will just be Kathy, I know how much she loves her too so at least she knows I'm someone she loves and who loves her.

Not sure if this is a good or bad thing but maybe you will learn some family history you never knew about. It's the feeling of the visit/conversation that's important, the time spent together for each of you not the setting or actual words spoken, that unspoken stuff is what's precious now. Enjoy this time living in your moms time a place.
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Reply to Lymie61
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My mother told me she recognized me as her co-star on the New York stage. At other times, she would speak to me as if I were a confidant and not her daughter. Those were the rough times because she often told me things I didn’t want to know. At those times, I didn’t correct her or argue with her and try to convince her I was her daughter. It’s truly best to just go along Smile and agree with the delusion. It’s the best and least stressful way.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Relationships can be so difficult as the mind changes as we age. When I arrive at my clients homes I never know what stage of there life they will be in. For the most part there memories are from 40 years ago to childhood. It's actually very fascinating as this will give you a glimpse into the seniors younger years.

I hear the same stories over and over. I find I ask questions in different ways which take us down new paths. Photos are a blessing as they jog the memories. If they don't recognize you have them tell you about there life and family. This will help bring them into present day.

In many ways this is like playing a game with the person. You will master it and learn to enjoy it. If and when they get angry, walk away. You can't argue with someone that is confused. Just take a break.
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Reply to leslie3
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Do you have any old family photo albums that you can bring and reminisce? Her memory may be going backwards in time. She might recognize it is you once you start showing the photos
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Reply to MACinCT
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My mom didn't get agitated when I'd say "hi mom, how are ya doing today", but if she had I just would have left the mom part out and carried on. Honestly, though her cognition varied from day to day I'm pretty sure she didn't remember I was her daughter or even that she had children (playing the "what do you remember" game was something I did a fair bit early on, I found it both fascinating and horrifying), but I think she recognized me as someone familiar who was looking out for her right up til the end.
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