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Since my brother doesn't help out much with mom's care and I'm doing most of the work, if his son (my nephew ) gets married, I 'm thinking of not attending. If there are occasions to celebrate for my brother, I might skip that too.


Has anyone actually done such things??

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Wren,
You are a fast learner.
Don't feel guilty for just thoughts. Everyone has them. Reject those thoughts, do not dwell on them, and yes, do take the high road.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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My brother didn't help, either. Not one aspect of his life was altered or put on hold for my mother's sake. He just waited to receive his inheritance. He didn't even offer to help me make the arrangements for her memorial, AND he asked that his travel expenses for it be paid out of her Trust! So, when it came time to split what our mother left us, I called my brother and told him (as calmly as I could - though, I cried) that I contributed and sacrificed more and that that's worth something. (My career was put on hold. I moved away from my life, my boyfriend, my friends, etc.) So, I had predetermined a monetary amount that I believed he would be agreeable to giving me (even though it fell WAY short of my true value). He barely accepted my request. But he did, because I reminded him of all my sacrifices (sacrifices that I would do eternally, if it meant having my mother back again).

Anyway, my point is: EXPRESS YOURSELF. Be your own advocate. Find the right time to have those difficult conversations. Describe all of your daily activities (keep a journal of them for future reference). Let your brother know that you're the one wiping her ass, bathing her, dressing her, changing her, taxiing her to doctors, maintaining her world, her comforts, her needs, in lieu of your own.

Finally - and this is off topic a bit - after my mother passed away and my brother began pressuring me to sell, sell, sell her house (again, he did NOTHING), I ended up having a heart attack! That's right. I had put all of my energy and attention into caring for my mother, followed by the pressure/stress of selling her house, that it literally caused me to have a heart attack. So, be good to yourself.
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Reply to RaisedOnElton
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Wren, you say in one of your replies that this is about wanting to get back at your brother for his causing you stress.

But he isn't causing you stress. He is only failing to try to alleviate the stress that comes from handling your mother's care, which in any case he might not be able to do even if he did try harder. The stress comes from your mother's situation, not from him.

Solve the right problem.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Wren, I thought Mom was in India and you are in the USA? Am I wrong? I also remember Mom has 24/7 caregivers? You previously wrote that she gets anxious when one leaves and she is alone for an hour.

I would not spend time thinking up plots to punish your brother. If your nephew is a young child, why would you be daydreaming about something that will probably not happen for a decade or more?

I’m glad you spoke with your brother. But if Mom has aides, what are you looking for him to do?
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Wouldn’t it be easier just to confront your brother now with this
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Reply to PandabearAUS
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Wren I know exactly how you feel. I have a sister and a brother who basically went MIA after my mom moved here. They both live out of state from me so I never expected help with my mom, they are not here and both work full time. What I did expect was at least a phone call every now and then to see how I was managing, to support me. I got nothing.

Finally I had a tearful talk with both of them. Sister stepped up considerably, and I feel closer to her than ever. Brother- not so much. He resented that I wanted anything from him. He actually said to me - Look I talk to Mummy every two weeks if she picks up the phone, I didn't know I had to check on you too"....

Well, I decided right then and there I didn't want or need his brand of "support". He's also pissed that my mom is going to her cottage in less than a week, and that's his turf. He will have to look over things with her.

It's sad how these situations can tear families apart. I don't know what will become of my relationship with my brother. Time will tell.

So that's my long way of saying I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!
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RaisedOnElton May 21, 2019
Brothers can really be such d***s! They just don't get it.
I just added my story to this thread. My brother was MIA, as well.
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You would look small and stupid. And eventually you would probably feel that way about yourself too. With your kind of approach, who would want to help or be around you? Revenge? Seriously?
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Judysai422 May 18, 2019
Please don't take it out on your nephew...direct your anger squarely on your brother. I agree with vegaslady that you will feel guilty if you do that.
You need to tell your brother exactly what you need from him. Be specific. Men don't do well with hints...be direct. If he still does not provide support, then just accept it because you cannot change him.
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I skipped a few family gatherings for about 6 yrs because I was pissed off at my siblings for not being around at all. I tried to attend a family gathering only to feel like a stranger. Now things are really difficult and I'm still angry and asking God to get me out of this darkness "I feel they have selfishly avoided their responsibility", I also took care of my mother when she really got bad. I really don't care anymore about what they think of me, or their families.
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RaisedOnElton May 21, 2019
HUGS!!!
You don't need them!
My friends are my family now.
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This is in India, correct? You could kill two birds with one stone, go to the wedding and visit Mom. I doubt with the way she has been they would want her there.

The word revenge is a little harsh. Do you know this nephew well? If not, then I wouldn't attend if ur not comfortable. Send a nice gift and card.
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wren9184 May 18, 2019
No no... nephew is not getting married.. hes v young. I was just dreaming of the different ways I could "get back" at my brother for causing me stress.

Anyway, we talked to my brother yesterday about excatly how we wanted his help. Let's see if he comes through ........
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I guess you are all right........Like Michelle Obama said, "When they go low, we go high.."

Thank you all
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I'm sure plenty of people have done such things but that doesn't mean some haven't regretted it. Is there a wedding planned on the horizon? I would urge you to give it some calm consideration when you aren't feeling so angry about something your brother has or hasn't done in the moment because it might just be that all you really end up accomplishing is leaving yourself with regrets.

Are you close to your nephew? Your SIL? If you had no quarrel with your brother would you be looking forward to going? Would there be family and family friends there you would enjoy seeing, you know the ones you only tend to see now that everyone is older, at events? Would your mom want you to go or expect you to represent her? We invite some people and attend these extended family events for various reasons, to support our nephew (in this case) and or our sibling, to connect with extended family and sometimes simply because it's "the right thing to do". The type of event might even come into play, is it going to be a big wedding with lots of people you haven't seen in while, old home week or a small intimate ceremony where your absence might be noticed more or wanted less by your brother? In the end really it's about relationships and timing and I would encourage you when the time comes to carefully consider the reasons for going and the reasons not to before deciding what is best for you and if it were me, my nephew.
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Reply to Lymie61
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Do whatever feels right to you, but the person you hurt is you.

I know what it's like to have sibs go MIA when the going gets tough. Taking that anger out on their kids is kinda childish.

If it makes you feel better, do it. Likely your sib won't even notice.

Then 2nd generations? They are far less likely to care or be involved in a grandparent's care. Love them and just let the sibs be jerks, nothing to do about them.
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Reply to Midkid58
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Your brother probably won't be hurt at all by your boycott of his son's wedding, but your nephew might be - is that who you really want to hurt? I totally understand being angry at a sibling for sticking you with all the responsibility for your mother's care. Every family has one person who seems to get stuck with all the dirty work. In the case of my family, it's me and, in yours it sounds like you. I don't go out of my way for either of my sibs anymore. I still love them and their adult children and always will, even as I resent the lack of help with our mother.
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Reply to lablover64
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Wren, it really does depend on what you're trying to achieve, you know.

Do you want to
Ruin their day? - will they notice you're not there, particularly?
Make your feelings plain to your brother?- will he even understand that you've stayed away in protest?
Make your brother do more to support you? - wouldn't it be better to tell him what you want him to do?

I have to tell you that I am now estranged from all of my siblings; and sadly this did mean missing my niece's wedding - though she made it easier for me by having it in Provence, in France, which put it totally out of my budget and meant I didn't have to say a word about "will never willingly put myself in a confined space with your mother." I sent her a modest present and my very best wishes and I'm sure no one got hurt at all.

But this isn't about "revenge" and it certainly isn't about trying to make my siblings do anything in particular; it's about recognising that our relationships are so damaged and painful to all concerned that there's nothing to salvage.

If you have previously had a good (or even a so-so) relationship with your brother, and for you it's more the case that you're fuming and seething about his lack of input - SPEAK TO HIM! What would you like him to do?
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Lymie61 May 17, 2019
Good point, who's day is it you really want to ruin and is this the day to it?
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I agree with Worried. If you get an invitation, I would send a card and a gift certificate and leave it at that. Sorry to say, on such an occasion, your absence will most likely not have the effect you were hoping for. Some people may not even notice and those who do will assume, to your detriment, that you are in a snit and sulking at home.

But, having said that, I do understand how you feel. My husband’s family has shown no support in the 6 years since he’s been disabled. A few even showed hostility. I’ve already told my son, who is trying in vain to get the “family” back together, that if he has a get-together with them, I will not attend. However, if a niece or nephew has a celebratory occasion, I will send a card and a small gift. A co-worker likes to say, “be the better person.” And, she’s right.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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So you are going to punish your nephew for your brother’s wrongdoing? Can’t say I agree with that at all. The wedding isn’t about your brother at all. It’s your NEPHEWs wedding. Unless you don’t have a relationship with your nephew, why would you resort to such pettiness and refuse to attend the wedding? The wedding isn’t for your brother, it’s not celebrating him...so don’t use it as a weapon against him.
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anonymous840695 May 21, 2019
It's her business what she does, not yours. Take my advise from the other day.
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