Mom and Dad's clutter; should I start deciding what stays and what goes?

As you stated it is their home and their income so respect that. I think trying to get rid of their stuff may feel to them that you are already shuffling them off.
Just my opinion but I will have a family meeting to discuss their cooperation in making more space for you and your husband if they are capable. But their holding on may still be giving them some control in their lives which they have slowly been losing. Try to put yourself in their place and know they realize their time on this earth is slipping by. That is scary.
You will have plenty of empty space when they are not here.

Storage units are there for a reason: to store stuff that one doesn't want to get rid of. Put things in storage boxes, label, and put in a unit, maybe even find a small one on wheels to park in the backyard as it would be cheaper in the long run. That way, when they wonder where something is it can be found easily. Best thing is "out of sight, out of mind," and they may forget all about it. Next-best thing is when you have to clean everything out it will be easier to do so.
As an older person myself, I find it hard to get rid of some things, and now that I am moving into a smaller place, I'm opening boxes from 2 years ago -- the last move -- and wondering why I wanted to hang onto all the yarn and polyester cloth, old kitchen pots and pans, etc. My husband is now the hoarder and has reams and reams of computer printouts in his cluttered (!!) office. So we will do the same thing there.

As a youngish senior (59) that is no longer healthy I would so appreciate someone to help me Purge. I don’t want to ask my kids to help when they visit because visits are for fun. But it’s cost me a small fortune so far to pay a pro organizer. She really helped me Get in the right mindset plus having to deal with my moms almost hoarder type house when she died encouraged me to simplify. Getting to that mindset is a complicated progress. She used a lot of logic and positive reinforcement. I thought I was ready when I hired her but every time she comes I want to get rid of more. You could bring someone in on the pretense of organizing your stuff then try to grow it from there.

I agree with starting small and clearing out the bedroom you use. My MIL talked about clearing items out of her house but never did it. When her sister moved in, there was double clutter. We were there almost every day, doing laundry, cooking and cleaning and thankfully never had to move in for more than a few days.

There should be no negotiating for items that are broken, clothing that is stained or torn and food that is no good. Walk those out of the house without saying a word. Perhaps they would be willing to "donate" non-essential items. My MIL saved hand-made baby clothes long after we were of child-bearing age. Her sister brought piles of stuff that had belonged to their mother including purses, shoes, coats and many photos of people nobody recognized. I guess it's a way of holding on to the past.

some of the older clothes and purses and etc, might be vintage. you might be able to sell them.

I think you might have to live this way a while longer. When I moved in with my mom to care for her, I had to find space for some of my things and talked to her about donating what she didn't use. I sorted and boxed stuff for days and put it all on the front porch for pick up, only to come home from work and find she had gone through the boxes and gotten back out many articles. She didn't remember that she had agreed to the donations, even though she hadn't used those things or even known of their existence until I started to sort. So, after she went to assisted living was when I gave away all her extra stuff. I've kept her house in a condition that if she were to return to it, it would look the same to her, that is if she remembers her house at all, but stored decades of things are gone now.

Good luck.

All the respect in the world couldn’t get my mother to agree that 11 boxes of Band-Aids was 10 too many. Or to donate her clothing from 10-15 years ago that was 4 sizes too big for her. Or to concede that she had no use for stacks and stacks of catalogs and magazines from the past 20 years.

Multiply that by every square inch of the house. Fine for Mom. Her stuff was SO important to her - in a way she could not articulate, other than blowing up at anyone who dared to mention it.

Not fine for anyone whose brain functioned properly. For anyone who had a modicum of safety knowledge.

In the end (and I mean END), extended family & I filtered out the (few) valuables and sentimental keepers. It was total chaos. We then shuttled countless carloads of donations to the thrift store. The rest went into a huge rented dumpster - that was emptied and replaced 3x.

On a kamikaze schedule, of course. Luckily(?), I had scheduled that week off work months earlier (with entirely different plans, naturally). Cuz 3 stinkin’ bereavement days from my employer weren’t gonna cut it.

My only comfort was learning how common this syndrome is. And it wasn’t very comforting!

I recently had the experience of "helping" a friend to clean and pack her house as she HAS TO move. She has 3 small g-kids she's raising and so, along with all her stuff, her mother's she inherited, her absentee son's (the kids' father) and her deceased hubby----by the time we were 80% done, she had 2 huge storage pods in he driveway. (16'x7x8')--and we could have EASILY filled a third.

The cost to store those pods in her DRIVEWAY??? $670 a month.

Now, I was at her home almost every single day for 3 months. She would not throw away a SINGLE THING OF HER SON's--yet he never showed up to help, nor cared one whit about the whole thing. She would hem and haw over EVERYTHING--and I mean EVERYTHING. I pushed her to the limit as to what HAD to go--we had 3 yard sales, a 'huge dumpster' day to simply throw away yard waste and the men in the neighborhood cleaned out the shed--who needs 9 chainsaws? 11 lawnmowers? The KIDS were happy to be throwing out old broken toys and g-ma is telling them "I'm not buying you a new..." Kids were better at deciding what was junk than she was.

In then end--the weekend she was supposed to list her home and move--she balked, big time b/c son called her and said "don't move! I WILL help financially!" (she's had the kids 2 years and he has paid nothing in support)

(I am out of town during this or I would have lost my mind).

I come home, go to check on her that the initial move went well---and there sits those pods and she sheepishly tells me she's not moving after all.

I just LOST IT on her. So many hours wasted--so much MONEY wasted---

She moved everything back in the house. I have no idea how, I was not involved. She took me for a fool and I won't "help" another hoarder again in my life!

Hoarding is a serious illness--One that without therapy and help and a sincere desire to be "well" just won't happen. Tried to help my mom and got the rough edge of her tongue. Over a green rubber frog.

If you have to cohabit with a hoarder, then you have my utmost sympathy. I can't even go into mother's apartment, it's so filthy and messy--yet to her view, it's "cozy".

Sadly, so many people over-cozy their homes and then what really matters most (PEOPLE!) are not even able to come in and sit down.

And most hoarders are NOT in the end, happy for the help.

Do I sound bitter? Absolutely so.

But it has made my decide for 2019 I am cutting down by HALF the stuff we have.

I grew up in a huge home which I realize now were hoarded out pretty bad.

Oh, and the friend I "helped" won't speak to me--and her son has not made good on his financial support so she is now in the beginnings of foreclosure. She is literally going to lose her home because of garbage.

Anjolie,
I went through the same thing with my parents. Although Mom went through some before she passed, there were a lot left. The reason why they don't throw anything away is - they lived through the depression era. When they had nothing! Nothing! And what they do have tied to these things - clutter, whatever you want to call it - is the memories. I have heard "I may need that some day, you never know" many times. It was very difficult going through Mom's dressers and closets. Many, many tears just looking at the items she kept and the things I found - and now I keep. It is all about the memories, to look at some old object and remember the happier times when their families were all together. I now understand this, although it took a while.

I made piles of various items and donated them. Adult day cares, assisted living facilities may accept any games or puzzles, books, etc, for their residents. There was boxes of extra holiday items that l donated to a place that sends them to the troops and they were so happy to receive them.

I hope this helps.

First of all, does the "patient" have one room to call "my own". Tell them whatever fits, neatly, can be kept in that room. As to the rest of the house and the clutter and stuff all over, do NOT allow that to happen. This is YOUR HOME and you make the rules. Another idea for "keeping" those items is to temporarily store it in a facility. I assure you given a short time, memory will fade and then you can dispose of those excess items. But do not allow your home to be a mess when merging households. You will become one very unhappy camper.

How about this suggestion. Buy clear containers and start boxing up some of that clutter. Get a storage unit or a shed out back and start using it. That way you have space and they don't have to give it up. As time goes by, start getting rid of things they forget about. I am cleaning out my parent's house of collecting junk for 60 years. It is a daunting task. Be kind about it but start something now. I waited 2 years living just like you are. BIG MISTAKE

There is one other thing that may help especially if your Father is living. Ask the local fire chief to stop in and explain to them how clutter is a fire hazard. Their lives may depend on getting some of it out of there. Ambulance and fire crews can not function around the stuff.

AJolie, I can "sympathize" in a matter of speaking. My quibble is you refer to the house basically as YOURS since you'll be INHERITING. It is NOT your home yet, still Mom/Dad's.
Being that you have 2 household goods merged, why should it be Mom/Dad's stuff that is removed first? How much stuff do you have that you haven't used, but maybe will come in handy someday?
My small suggestion, again just suggestion, why not start with your stuff while Mom watches. Talk with her and every time you come across something you haven't used in say, a year. Look at it, talk about the fact that you thought "this" would come in so handy, but you haven't used it since____. That perhaps it will come in handy for someone else in need and that you're donating to habitat for humanity, goodwill etc. Place in a box labeled whatever charity. After you've gone threw a box or 2, "suggest" to Mom that perhaps the 2 of you could do the same with their stuff. Start small and the more both of you see that neither really needed these "things" the clutter disappears and you both will get Tax deductions at the same time. We do this in our own home every December.
I would do this with Mom during my visits back home. I didn't have any of my things to give, but Mom would tell me every visit "you're not here to clean my house". Ok Mom, then I'd wait a few days and start with her magazines and eventually I had her house cleaned. Refrigerator, floors, entire house. That was the #1 reason to visit because I knew my siblings wouldn't do it. Now that Mom/step-father are in assisted living and I'm guardianship/conservator, I visit, check the property and have begun to clean out things like 3 decades of cards she hoarded. It takes me about 1.5 days and 10 gal trash bags each trip home just cleaning out junk. I can't do anything YET with furniture etc, but I'm ready. I can't do anything about the household items because merger of 2 households and other legal issues. As soon as I get done with the "junk", I'll have the house cleaned for appearances which will make easier when I can deal with that part of my duties for Mom.
One day at a time (trip for me).

Please, remember until that sad day comes, the house is not yours to with what you want.

I have a little different perspective than some of you, but I'll hope you'll bear with me for this posting.

After my dad died in 1997, I tried for years to get my mom to pare down and get rid of a few things. She got rid of some of his things because they were a painful reminder of his passing. After those things were gone, we'd sort though years of old magazines, clipped recipes, and outdated clothing, and even put a few things in a box to donate. But, I'd leave and come back to find the box empty and the things back in their place. I'm prefer a minimalist or very simply style, and the "visual clutter" in her house frustrated me. For over 21 years I tried to get her to pare down because I found the "visual clutter" frustrating.

Then, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. With no treatment options available, she wanted to die at home, around the things she loved. (That included a cigar box covered in macaroni and spray-painted gold that I made in first grade. I'm 64 years old now.)

Less than two weeks ago, she died at home at the age of 92, surrounded by the many things she loved. I'm glad - no, I'm proud - that I didn't force her to get rid of her things. They gave her so much comfort during her last weeks as she related stories about many of them, remembering the person, place, and circumstances in which she received or purchase the items.

So, please don't be in a hurry. You probably have years left of your life. Your parents are old and find comfort in the things they have. You can clear it out after they're gone. If you don't care anything about their "stuff," you can have estate sale personnel or a charitable organization come in after they're gone and clean it out. In the meanwhile, have some respect and compassion! Honor and love your parents instead of considering them a burden! At some point, I think you'll be glad you did.

We went through this with my mom who was a clutterer or a hoarder, not as bad as you see on those TV shows, but she hadn't cleaned the dust in years and there was so much stuff that she "collected" that it had an odor. None of us wanted it because the odor was metastatic and intolerable. She had taken in a lot of things from her parents' home when they died and my grandmother had a rat problem 30 years ago. Mom wouldn't let us clean out the co-op or clean it up. She demanded to be in charge. My husband and I went to a seminar run by our local Y about senior hoarders. The co-op board had threatened her with eviction if she didn't clean up the property. And again, it wasn't food left out, etc. It was a compilation of things she collected, furniture and lots of little things. We decided to do it in waves. We hired a firm to throw out many things so as to clear paths where people could walk and where the co-op folks would approve it. She cried but we took her out the day they came. We had to lie to her and tell her that we put it in two different storage units. She was in her late 80s when we did this and she was completely overwhelmed crying "Where did all this stuff come from? Who put it there?" It's like she divorced herself from her role in creating it. But we learned that hoarding or cluttering is a form of depression and we didn't have the time because of the co-op board. She became angry when we cleaned up her place while she was in the hospital. Then, we left it alone but we couldn't ignore it anymore. After she went to rehab and decided to stay at the NH because she didn't want us to get aides to come in and care for her, we threw the rest of it away. We'd hired 2 separate appraising companies. What we thought was worth money was not worth much. In the end, it didn't make sense for us to sell it individually because it was overwhelming. We kept the valuable things like jewelry, that we knew we could convert to cash. We keep a small storage unit for things like photos and electronics. It's sad but she doesn't even ask us anymore what happened to her stuff. She developed a bit of dementia. So, I think you just have to do what you have to do for their benefit and yours... Good luck!!

Maybe the clutter issue and details should have been addressed prior to your move in.

Wow. I am Gob-struck by the thought of someone moving in to take over control. I understand that apparently you will get the house, but shoving your parents to the side seems crass, especially if their money is paying the way. Sorry. That is why people often get ready to downsize and enjoy the fruits of their labor...leaving whatever is left to loved ones. I don't believe children are entitled anything beyond what is left.

I, too, had the same problem. My mother, who now has dementia, was a hoarder-not in the sense of filthy but she had greeting cards going back 80 years..along with at least 70 books on her musings, 70 photo albums, etc. etc. 3 years agp, she fell and broke her hip. I had a home/career a thousand miles away. Thought I'd be here 2 weeks. It has been 3 years of insanity. She had also let the house go to ruin after dad died. At first, my heart hurt to toss anything out. It just felt wrong. Over time, I realized that this is crazy and began to unload all the stuff. It has been 3 years that I've worked on this house to sell for her medical care. I didn't toss things Willy Nilly though it would have been easier. However, I went through everything lovingly, kept what I felt was meaningful and tossed the rest. We love our parents..though they may be 'difficult' with the dementia. By now, she cannot recall much, but I did want to honor her in keeping things dear to her heart. It is a tough road and I wish you the best.

This mentality, I believe, may come from "Depression era mindsets." People kept itty bitty slivers of soap, never tossed socks with holes, etc. It may be quite hard to change this thinking because hoarding is a mental illness.

As carers it is necessary that we take control but we do it with love, care and compassion. Clearly your de-cluttering is to ultimately benefit your parents so do what you must to keep the home clean, comfortable and practical. If that means getting rid of superfluous items you must. God bless.

Anjolie, having been through a double process like this with my mother I do sympathise. It's very difficult, not to mention demoralising.

If I could I'd offer you my sister, whose lack of sentimental attachments to any objects and willingness to apply the law of "fait accompli" made her rip like a tornado through two rooms in my mother's house. The only difficulties were that her boundaries made her leave before the work was done, and that I then had to deal with the fallout. Besides, she doesn't travel and we're no longer in touch...

However. May I suggest that you let boxes and storage bags be your friends?

Clothes: laundered and neatly folded, no matter how tattered they may be, can they be sorted into "seasonal" bags and stored away. Do you have an attic, loft, basement or garage? The thing is to get them out of sight and out of mind. Warning! - Do not pick up individual items - pyjamas in your case, in mine it was a sweatshirt with its cuffs falling off and worn through to holes in the elbow but with its Cats' Protection League logo still barely visible - and mock them. You will trigger adamant resistance to any further culling.

Cookware: highly specialised items such as Rumtopfs, ice cream makers, casseroles of 20 person capacity, fish kettles; complete and completely unused Pyrex sets which were doubtless a bargain at the time; rotisseries; fondue sets; these can be boxed up and put onto "infrequent demand" shelves.

Stationery: you may have the other half of the world's entire supply of paper clips, treasury tags (who the heck uses - ?!), suspension files, elastic bands and hole punchers. Also in this section, your father's contribution of fuse wire, leather reinforcement patches, dodgy half bottles of methylated spirit, and an infinite array of unidentified screws, tacks, washers, bolts and mysterious implements. The trick is to centralise and compartmentalise. You may find your local DIY or hardware store sells cabinets for the purpose.

But perhaps the first thing to do is to claim your own space and turn it into a shining example of feng shui. Has your personal apple fallen far from your parents' tree, if I may put it like that..?

I have worked in real estate for 30 years and have met many an adult child faced with clearing out the parent's house to sell. They are always exasperated and it usually seems to fall on one child to sort, sell, donate, trash everything, then prepare the house for resale. Getting rid of non-meaningful, or non-useful, items a little at a time makes sense. I am 51, and since I entered my 50s I have begun doing this within my own house and either donating or tossing in the garbage. I want to be somewhat light-on-my-feet in the future. Excess "stuff" makes me feel like I am drowning!

My kids are doing that for us and I'm grateful. However, I did make a list of what's important to me. My husband is a serious hoarder. They just want to get a dumpster and toss it..Ideally we should have a psychologist go through it with him. But he's not well enough. I told him to list what he wants to keep. He can't remember and wants to be there when kids clean out the house. Somehow I have to keep him away, or distract him somehow. We lived there for 36 years. House overflows with his stuff, mice etc.
So I suggest you start now to unload, a little at a time. My mother had a good idea. She took Dad's old clothes up to a wardrobe in the attic. When he asked, she said she was storing them upstairs. Gradually she got rid of them and he never caught on. I told my husband we would keep boxes from the garage if he told us what was in them. He has forgotten, so they go. We have moved into a smaller house that had belonged to his mother. He will be set up in the cottage and I will, with the help of caregivers, run the house. He will keep everything of his in cottage. He actually likes that plan. He likes being free of the terrible mess. Maybe you could find a place in the house to "store" things for awhile. Start slowly and explain that you're cleaning and need the space. They will know their things are still there. Then gradually you can get rid of them, donate them. My husband does like to help out homeless people so that's where his older clothes go. Churches hold white elephant sales to raise money and would probably love to have your odds and ends. We old folks have accumulated way too much "stuff". It's remarkably better and easier to live in a simpler, uncluttered environment. I can think more clearly, find things and have time for fun instead of cleaning out closets!

I will face this problem soon. My 88-year-old mother has a garage packed full of "treasures" from the time of her life when she fancied herself to be an interior decorator! When she had her house redone two years ago, everything was boxed up and put in the garage. Most of it is still there and has not been needed or missed!

I guess I have no sentimentality. Stuff is just that: stuff! The memories are in your head and heart, not in an old lamp that sat on Grandma's end table.

We recently took 15 pair of pants to the alterations lady (some of which had been in her closet for years and had the price tag still attached!) to have them hemmed and taken in to fit her now. I was able to talk her into getting rid of a few pair of pants, but even if the item was torn or stained, her comment was "Keep that. I can wear that around the house". Huh?! I could not convince her that NOBODY needs 50 pairs of pants! After Dad passed away, she soon filled up his closet with her clothing purchases. If she lives long enough to wear all the clothes she now has, she will be 180 years old!! I plan to take the blouses with plunging necklines or cut-out backs and donate them. She will never miss them. And, if by some miracle she does recognize that the items are gone, I will buy her new ones to replace them.

Anjolie ; Hello! When we had to help my parents I got all my kids to help every one of the grandkids helped !!!!! The grandkids were the ultimate best plan !! I was at the hospital ....with my Dad diagnosed with cancer and all 7 grandkids pitched in let me tell you as soon as I walked up my mother went ballistic she started flipping her lid !! It was unbeleiveable!! She was soooooo MAD !!! But I didnt have to take all the blame !! I was like Mom I just got here!!not to be mean but my mother has about 30 pairs of moccasins 1 of each color an outfit for every day of month .anyhiw thats what we did mom got upset but It worked

As I was reading all these posts, I suddenly thought, "Holy Cow! I think I have a plastic container in the bottom of my closet with about 5 pair of jeans that are too small and am I REALLY ever going to get back to that size? Probably not, my body shape has changed so much that even if I lost the weight there is a very good chance they wouldn't fit". Sooooo, tomorrow I am going to get it out and donate them.

Thank all of you.

Yes, do start to purge, esp. if you need room for yourself and your husband. Your parents may or may not be able to do it, but even if they could it is often overwhelming and requires a lot of energy which could be why they don't bother. My suggestion is to start at the back of the closets, drawers, etc. Don't get rid of the stuff they use and see every day, but rather the stuff that's been shoved to the back. They likely won't even know it is missing. When my dad died and we went through his closets and drawers, I was amazed at how much NEW stuff was jammed in the back....stuff I had bought him 10 years prior with tags still on it! If they ask, tell them you are donating to the homeless, needy, etc...that will make them feel better. If you start to box up stuff to "store" do it in a manner where the boxes are marked somehow so you can tell whether it is "trash" or donation items. Once the boxes are in "storage" for a while, and out of sight/out of mind, get rid of them slowly. It took me 3 months to clean out my mom's house of 50+ years when she up and went to live with my brother....it was a real headache. If you can start now, do it. Don't feel bad about it. You will have to do it eventually anyway. Try to get them to participate, but if they refuse, take the reins and do it yourself. If you are there taking care of them, regardless of whether it is their house and they are paying for it, you have rights there, too. Good luck!

If their clutter is invading your portion of the house, you have a good argument for doing some public organizing with your parents' help. Tell them you and your husband need some space of your own. If every shared space is cluttered too, you may have to be stealthy. I don't know if dementia is involved or not, but nobody likes his or her stuff moved around. You can get a look at a lot of treasures/junk by searching for important photos and documents in order to preserve them properly, without getting in trouble with your parents for overstepping. If you hear about a charity collecting donations for a special sale, try to get them involved with the charity and the sale. In answer to your question, you don't really have the right, but you will have the responsibility, so do everything you can to make this as easy as possible on your parents. You do have to live with them.

To answer your question, yes, you should be thinking about what stays or goes in light of
(1) safety snd health issues, and
(2) quality of life issues.
If accumulated stuff is blocking fire exits or attracting vermin, something needs to go.
Quality of life is a judgement call that you have to explore with them. You've already expressed your own dissatisfaction with the way things are, so you probably need to make some changes, either in your surroundings or your attitude about it. I'm not being judgemental about which you should change, just making observations.

I struggle myself with clutter and disposal of things that "someone might use someday." Much of my stuff is not good enough to donate to a charity. One solution that worked for me was to put much of it out by the road with a money jar and a sign that said, "Take whatever you can use and put whatever it's worth to you in the jar." This lets me feel that perhaps someone that did need it IS using the stuff instead of it going to the dump or wasting away in my house. We gave the $ to our church, so win-win. After a week or so, the remainder was obviously not worth anything, so I changed the sign to "FREE." The rest went in the dumpster--well, except for a couple things my husband put back in the barn (sigh), presumably for next time.

If your parents would accept that someone else might really use and even cherish the stuff, that might help them let go, as it helps me. You might even get grandkids, etc., to ask them for specific items that they "want" or could use "to set up housekeeping." This is, after all, why we've kept the stuff all this time--because it might be useful to someone.

Bless you for moving in with your parents--I couldn't have done it. Hope you have new energy and new optimism for the new year.

As you are cleaning stuff out, watch out for prescription pill bottles. A gal at the bank said a lot of times people will roll up bills and put them in old prescription bottles because they are about the right height. I thought about an entire shelf of bottles of my Aunt's that I just swept into a trash bag. Oh, well, all I can do is hope there wasn't money in them.

Child of a major league Hoarder here - we tore down her house and had to put it in 4 different landfills! My policy when dealing with hoarders is now, Don't Ask, Don't tell. If they ask, "I put that in storage somewhere, I'll get to it tonight or tomorow." Then I forget and redirect if asked about it again.

I have a super sensitive kid who gets the same attachment disorder to clothes. The first item I see with a hole when I do his laundry disappears - not into our garbage but it goes under my seat in the car. The next store I find gets that item. Then I can legitimately say "I have no idea where that is." I slowly get rid of items that way.

I'm working on picking up small parts of toys and throwing them out. The kids are a lot more careful about leaving legos, electronic pieces, and odd things out since I started and I only threw out maybe 5 pieces. BUT I *told* the kids about them the day after the garbage bag was taken out.