Hi AgingCare community,I'm looking for guidance and support as my 71-year-old mom’s mental state has been steadily deteriorating since 2022. Her father had Alzheimer’s, and we’re seeing troubling signs that something similar may be happening with her, but she has no insight into her condition and refuses any help.It started in 2022 with her believing someone was controlling her phone, so she stopped using it and cut off contact with friends and former classmates. Then came the belief that someone had stolen photos or replaced her photos with copies. In 2024, she insisted her cat had been swapped out and took it to the vet to check the microchip — but then thought the vet tech was in on the conspiracy when she didn’t get the answer she wanted.She’s also convinced the walls of her house are covered with a toxic yellow haze, that the water is brown (it’s not), and that my dad is intentionally staining her clothing. She has become obsessed with cleaning and laundry, rewashing loads because she believes "someone turned all the clothes inside out." She can’t find things in plain sight and accuses my dad of moving or hiding them. After 51 years of marriage, she now believes he’s behind everything and is out to get her — she wants a divorce and insists she can buy a condo and manage life on her own.She had a panic attack in winter 2025 and was admitted to the hospital for 14 days, but we never got a clear diagnosis. After her discharge, she refused the new meds they gave her and canceled her psychiatric follow-up.I’m an only child living 6 hours away with two young kids. My dad is doing his best, but he’s completely worn down — grieving the retirement they planned together and now facing constant accusations.My questions for the community:
How do you get someone help when they refuse to acknowledge anything is wrong?What resources have been helpful for others in similar situations — especially when trying to introduce age-in-place support to someone who’s paranoid and resistant?How do I support my dad while protecting my own well-being and my family’s?Thank you for reading — I’m feeling sad and stressed and would really appreciate any advice, experience, or encouragement.
If you don't already have medical power of attorney, you should consider getting that. You may need her doctor's help since it sounds like her dementia is too advanced for her to do it. Once you have that, you can converse directly with her doctor to get modifications to medicines as needed, sometimes without an actual visit to the doctor. We can do a lot with televisits and portal messages with my mom's doctor.
For at home care, it sounds like your dad needs help. You and he will need to decide if getting people to help in house is a good solution or if moving her to assisted living is better. Lots of things to consider in that decision. I've seen articles on this site and others that point out the things to consider. If you can, read through a few of those before you chat with your dad as it sounds like you will need to be the voice of reason and expert on all of this for all of you.
Hugs.
If you can get her to go for her annual checkup, ask her doctor to assess her cognition or to recommend someone who will. Try to get a written diagnosis from the hospital she was at when she stayed after the panic attack. It really sounds like her care is too much for your father. I think your first sad task must be to get your father to recognize the reality of the situation. Talk to him about placing her in a memory care facility where skilled staff can make sure she has the care she needs. Another option would be home care for her with aides that know how to handle her kind of dementia. But this may not be what she wants. A memory care facility may work for her if you present it like an apartment at a senior community. You may have to be the one to research facilities. Ideally it would be near the person who will be overseeing her care (your father), but if she is not trusting him, and you end up being the one to oversee her care, try to find a facility close to you, if your father agrees to this. All the best to you and your family! A big hug to you.
I recommend white lies or telling her whatever you think will get cooperation. Do NOT try to reason with her or convince her or get her to admit she has delusions or is losing her grip, etc. she is beyond all this.
In my dad’s case, he was terribly concerned about his insomnia so we told him all the doctors appointments that were needed to get him diagnosed, and then the meds he was given, were to help with insomnia (and they did). he could not have cared less when the neurologist told him and my mom that his brain had atrophied, this is terminal with no cure.
But you could tell your mother literally anything that would get cooperation. You are going to get ice cream. Or she needs to temporarily move into “this really nice hotel” because the house has to be sprayed for termites. Etc.
Sorry to be blunt but I doubt you will get any home-base solution. If she is resistant then trying at home with aides is just going to make your dad’s life hellish. This is what we went through with my dad, as my mom refused to place him despite him driving her around the bend in so many different ways. But maybe it will be different in your case.
It might help to ask your dad what he would want if the tables were turned. Would he want your mom or you to live through that and him fighting with the aides? Let’s hope he says no.
When my dad was like that, my mom asked what I would do if she died. I said put him in a facility. And I have been clear that if SHE gets like that now that he has passed, it will be the same. No way I am sacrificing my own life, happiness, and marriage to try to deal with that myself. And I love her a lot.
good luck and best wishes
If she becomes too hard to handle at home and too resistant to outside caregivers coming in, your father will have to place her in a residential care facility.
First things first though. Your mother needs to be seen by her doctor and dementia testing must be done. Once there's a diagnosis then the court can be petitioned for conservatorship over her. She may not have to be placed. There are medications that will calm her paranoia and delusions down. She does not even have to be told she's being medicated.
It's a lot to deal with, but one thing at a time. You're not alone. There are so many families in the same boat as you.
If the father (or someone else) gets conservatorship over the mother they can give permission for her to be medicated without her knowledge.
I was a caregiver for a long time. Many of my care clients were out of it and also violent. Family would drug their food and drinks. They would also be locked in their bedrooms at night to prevent wandering. Of course when a person is at this point it's only a matter of when and where they will be placed.
Consider other options, such as a care facility for mom and downsizing for dad with money from sale of their home paying for her care.
I’m so sorry this is happening.