Mom and my stepfather moved closer to me 2 years ago and now reside in an ALF. She will soon be 91.
She has since separated from him and has her own apartment in the same building, but she won’t leave him alone — constantly accusing him of having affairs with staff, stealing from her, breaking into her apartment etc. She says her life won’t begin until that “con man” is gone. She wants a divorce.
Since the facility won’t evict him, she has recently called police and tried to have him arrested and charged with everything from fraud to rape! He, of course, is heartbroken and I worry about him too. He has 2 daughters but they live out of state. We talk often and they’ve tried to get him to move closer to them but he says he’s not ready for that.
She’s currently mad at everybody, including me now, because we “don’t believe her” and “won’t do anything about him.” So 2 days ago she announced to Admin her intention to relocate and gave the facility a 30 day notice! She says if I won’t help her move she’s going to do it herself and is currently not speaking to me.
She’s already on antipsychotic meds but sometimes “cheeks” them if not watched closely, so it is believed she’s done it again. She did present the policeman with 4 pills as “evidence “ that my stepdad was drugging her. The staff — Admin, Physician and Psychiatrist — simply say it’s “common for dementia patients” and to “let her try.” Her behavior seems so calculated, deliberate and vindictive.
She’s still very capable in many ways of taking care of herself — her mobility is good, although she uses a walker due to numerous falls. She’s taking care of her own expenses, etc. I don’t feel they’re giving her enough credit to manage a move by herself and it scares me. It’s the best place around. I know she’ll start complaining about wherever she ends up.
It may take everything she’s got to do it, but she’ll sure try! She is rigidly independent, smart, and determined, as well as delusional and unreasonable, and can be aggressive verbally and might even try bumping you with her walker if she’s mad enough. She’s definitely not the woman I once knew.
I’m at a loss for what to do. I am her biggest advocate and do everything I can for her (errands, appointments, grocery shopping, companionship), but recently I told her I won’t tolerate being told to “shut up” and that “we’ll talk later,” to which she replied, “No, we won’t!” So I’m currently giving her some space and she’s certainly not reaching out to me. I’m not good at redirecting her sometimes, admittedly, especially when at times when she seems so “normal.” I get sucked into talking to her as I did before dementia.
She has loved the facility she’s in up until now; it’s very upscale and she has numerous friends, plays bingo, goes to Bible study, etc. I checked into many facilities before recommending this one because it’s got the best reputation. I’ve been told by her Psychiatrist that she would not transition well if moved. I am her healthcare surrogate, but do not have POA nor will she give me one.
My heart breaks that this is her focus rather than trying to enjoy whatever time she has remaining with family and friends. She recently expressed the belief that she is clairvoyant and has dreams allowing her to “read minds,” especially my stepfather’s. She’s obviously paranoid and trying to stay one step ahead of him at all times. They don’t feel she’ll follow through with her threats, but I’m not convinced. I’m afraid they may be underestimating her!
I don’t see the situation ever changing for the better — even if my stepfather agrees to leave, she’ll still blame him from afar or find someone else to blame things on.
Am I next? Is there anything I can do? Could I be missing something? I am 66 years old myself and can feel the stress wearing me down. I helped care for my biological father who had Alzheimer’s for 2 years. He passed in 2021. Looking after him was a cakewalk compared to this! They do not believe she is close to ready for memory care. Thoughts?
You're right - the situation isn't going to change for the better. I suggest that you take the out your mom is giving you: she's mad at you, so stay away. No contact, except of course with your stepfather because he's family and needs reassurance, poor guy. Call him sometimes but don't visit them. Just lie low. You don't have POA. Maybe you don't want it. POA would only involve you more when you need to uninvolve. Just refuse to be part of most of this.
What with all the dementia care in my family, I have lots of stories. For instance, dad wanted to build a huge mausoleum in another town, exhume my grandparents and bury them there. They'd been dead since 1976. Um...what?? My Rude Aunt insisted that mashed potatoes would cure cancer, so she wanted me to keep feeding dad mashed potatoes. He hated mashed potatoes and wouldn't eat them, but she wouldn't drop the topic, nor would she cook the mashed potatoes herself. Then after he died, which she said he wouldn't have done if I hadn't forced him into hospice (not possible to do), she told others that dad had been coming to her in dreams and telling her not to let me get his business (which they'd both run into the ground, Rude Aunt being his bookkeeper). I was supposed to run his business, legally documented before he died of not eating mashed potatoes. And my mother thought she was going to marry Elvis, watching out the window for him every day. I was just glad she wasn't going to marry Jerry Lee Lewis because he was still married to his 13-year-old cousin.
It's all like falling down a rabbit hole. I hope that someday you'll be able to look back at the irrational crazy stuff your mom dishes out and laugh as I do. Sort of.
That’s on Mom . You are not responsible for her happiness. You did not cause her dementia , Nor can you fix this for her .
Another poster recently posted something the doctor said. I will paraphrase here,
‘ when an elder gets like this it’s either them or you “.
Try to detach from the misery . It’s not in your control . You getting sick will not change anything for your mother. It’s not easy , I know.
A wise social worker told me “ Stop helping , let her fail , it’s sometimes the only way to show them they are not independent . “
The delusions are awful and my mom refused the meds, too. She was constantly accusing every man of raping her. Was your mom always a person that needed to control everyone or is this a brand new behavior? You said that she can still handle her finances? That is impressive really. Is her memory still intact? I know it is easier said than done, but nowhere you place her will be any different. If she is like my mom she will hate everything and anywhere you put her. I tried everything. Even living with me which was a nightmare because no one can be awake 24/7 with someone like my mom in the house. My mom was always threatening to leave, but she cannot drive. Just let her try it. Sometimes we have to just call their bluff. If the facility is a good one I would hope they know that her 30 notice is part of her dementia and ignore it. If you help her it is just more of her trying to control if that is her normal behavior. I got so weary of it and finally told my mom to just let me know where she was moving to. Please do not do what I have done and let it consume your life. We are not spring chickies either and this has affected my own health so much. My dr even begged me to stay away from my mom and limit my time with her because he sees the affect she has had on me.
My mom is a demon right now and since I am all she has her disease feels like it has become my disease as well. It has destroyed me mentally, but my mom has always been a control freak. I am angry at myself for letting her do it out of trying to “Honor thy Mother” that was drilled into me all my life. I now know that her behavior was emotional abuse. Now it is just 1000 times worse. Some say their LO change, my mom stayed exactly the same. She just got much worse and delusional. She is also very believable, conniving and manipulative.
You are describing my life right now. I am same age and hear those exact same things from my mom. My mom is 84, but has had this awful disease for about 10 years now. Only thing different now is that my mom cannot drive or handle anything right now. They tell me she is just advancing.
My mom started out just like what you are describing. I am her only child. I am amazed actually that your mom is still this active at 91! Mom’s husband has Alzheimer's and he is a cake walk compared to my mom. From what I have been reading it seems that the women are actually harder to deal with.
All I can offer is complete understanding and empathy. Trying to not feel bad about it is the hardest thing to do. Easy to say, but we cannot help but feel awful for them. It is like drowning yourself to save someone from drowning. My mom the mind that would throw the life jacket away just to watch me jump in to save her. She tells me I am childish when I tell her that if she feels that way I will just stay away. Then says “God will take care of you!” Remember your life matters, too. I have to keep telling myself that constantly.
We've argued since I moved back to be with her.
The arguments were really bad. She doesn't want to listen especially to me & thinks she knows it all.
She fell recently because she still thinks she's 40 & is still her old self.. she gets smart alleck when I tell her things or ask her things..like today, she put veggies in the oven, I asked was she cooking.. she gets smart'ish, I look at the oven. It's not even ON. She had a burner on.
Also, she came back from the grocery, has her own cart... she takes so much junk in that thing INTO the store..I've asked about it, told her she needs to remove some of that..but she argues & NEEDS all of that crap she says...
at times she leaves groceries in it and goes on to her bedroom when she gets back. Like now, earlier I told her you still have some food in your cart... She gets smart I KNOW!
Welp, it's 2 1/2 hours later and the items are literally spoiling in that cart. And I am not saying another word since it's like I'm getting on her nerves when I try to help or tell her something... nor am I getting them out.
I'll let her see it eventually,, since she doesn't want my help! She'll figure it out.
So, I said all of that to say:: .. I back off A LOT. She thinks she's got this...then good, I let her do her thing..if it gets jacked up it gets jacked up. Because in the beginning, I tried doing everything and tried to look out & make sure this & that etc., but I was met with arguing & her thinking I.m trying to tell her what to do then I became so stressed my doctor put me on meds and sent me to a therapist.
I can't take meds & only went to therapy once but I try to handle this differently now.
I back OFFFF! I let her do all of that crap HOWEVER! I jump in when it gets super ridiculous or confusing for her..or if she asks for my help which is usually regarding technology, apps, online banking, websites etc.,..
but when she gets nasty & acts like she knows it all.. honey, you do YOU & good luck.
So, do NOT stress yourself because you'll end up sick.
Let her be. If she thinks she can move & fights you on it.. let her pack. Let her try to figure it all out.
I don't think she'll get far because,.. is she making calls to other places, does she know where she's going? Or, even how she will pack and how she will get there?
Probably not. And if she does and she moves then, that's on her. If it's low budget, again, That's on Her!
Go visit when you have the energy for it all, then go HOME!
Her dementia will worsen soon then you can place her in a facility. You can get Guardianship and do everything you need to do.
But until she has Full Full on dementia, she feels she knows what is best for her & trying to help will throw you into a stroke! So let her screw up. Let her TRY to move. I would stay out of it until she starts asking for help or is in full dementia, THEN, do whatever it is you need to do.
I wish you well & literally, all of us, because this is one of the worst things I've ever experienced!♡
My sister with Lewy Body Dementia and Vascular Dementia , on the other hand , made it to the bank via taxi from her AL board and care home . The owner of the board and care did follow and brought her back but not before she got the bank to take access away from her son ( my nephew) who has POA . The owner said there was no stopping her .
She had been insisting her money is being wasted . She also called the Office of Aging . The number is required to be posted on the wall at her board and care home . This triggered a financial investigation due to her complaints . Of course no financial abuse was found but my nephew had to give them records .
The latest is that She also successfully wore down the neurologist after an improved minicog test . Getting him to say she could leave AL and go back to living with my nephew at his home .
He said she could be home alone while nephew worked . Her memory improved but her reasoning etc did not .
The eldercare lawyer that nephew has been working with said at this point she has a right to go back to her residence which is my nephews home . He could then start the eviction process if he wanted . She showtimes well unfortunately .
It was a nightmare getting her to AL to begin with , then she had some improvement from taking Aricept . All this did was cause my nephew to go down the same tough road as she is declining again after only one month back home with him . She is argumentative , uncooperative at times , paranoid at times , accusatory , has delusions etc. She also refuses Seroquel .
My nephew did get access to her bank accounts again. My nephew had to tell
my sister that either she is more cooperative or he was going to walk away and she would have to find her own place to live . That was a gamble , but he assumed she would not want to live by herself .
She has put him through the wringer and it’s not over . The same nightmare will unfold again when her dementia gets worse .
My recommendation for you is to step back . I would not take on POA or guardianship for someone like this . Let her do whatever and land in the Geriatric Psych hospital and become a ward of the state . My mother put me through the wringer as she was a lifelong abuser which got worse with dementia . I could write a book including my mother’s 911 call accusing me of stealing .
My mother also hit me and then threatened to call the police and lie and say I hit her . She said “ who will they believe ? You or the old lady ?” . She told my siblings I hit her . I did not . This was a manipulative plan to prevent me from placing her in Assisted Living . And yes the doctor told me that my mother could still scheme , lie and be manipulative as this was how she always was and the dementia just added fuel to the fire . The doctor said, she no longer had a filter and her brain was wired that way and she was in default mode , could not stop her scheming thoughts any more .
She was moved to an ALF suitable for psychiatric patients and from there, as she declined, to a nursing home.
It's very difficult to deal with stubborn demented but still capable in some ways seniors. You might ask about a long term injectable antipsychotic.
Before the move to the hospital mother was in a very good ALF and was planning to move to another facility - far less suitable for her, but encouraged by my sis as it was cheaper. I simply told her "Fine, but I am not helping you". It didn't happen, I did call the director of that facility and fill him in, and he said they did not accept patients when all family were not in agreement. It was all I could do, But in the end, mother and sis decided she could not move without my help.
Mother was not happy with me nor was my sister. What's new? This is not about happy but about providing for mother's needs, if you can. If she had moved there would have been nothing more I could have done about it. I did what I could about what I perceived was in her best interests. That's all you can do. If she is shutting you out, that's beyond your control.
Sometimes you have to let a disaster happen.
We all need to step back and try to save what we can of our own minds. Stress can also kill you. ❤️🙏
I will say the same thing to you, regarding your mum - step back.
Carry the burden lightly, so that the crazy behaviour doesn't touch you.
It's not a part of you - it's outside of you, so don't let it affect you.
I know that it's easier said than done, but it is possible. Look into building resilience and creating boundaries. That's not just about being able to say no, it's also about separating yourself from what other people say and do. It's especially important when we can't just drop the people who are behaving badly - after all, a sick person isn't aware that their behaviour is wrong.
So, start protecting yourself. Take care.
My advice is to find acceptance. You can't change anything, least of all your mum's delusions. She will suffer from them and complain about her situation wherever she is.
You have no power to stop her from relocating under her own steam and you can't do anything to make things easier if your mum does manage the move on her own.
Unless new meds calm your mum (and she actually takes them) you are powerless at the moment.
The only way to stop this making you ill is to take a deep breath and step back. You'll have to let your mum sink or swim.
Since you don't have POA, you may need to arrange for guardianship of your mum, as soon as she's declared to no longer have capacity (which sounds imminent). Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to take it on yourself, but still advocate for your mum. Trying to do more, when you don't have authority or power, could run you into an early grave.
You can't make your mum happy and, unfortunately, it's currently out of your hands to keep her safe. You need others to take on that task.
If possible, try and change your ways of reacting to the situation. My mum had a very dark sense of humour, which rubbed off on me a bit. Finding a way to laugh at ridiculous, even upsetting, situations helps me to cope and not go under.
Try not to overload the burden on your shoulders by feeling that it's all awful. It's not - your mum isn't aware of the change in her and she's getting something out of complaining and being suspicious. It's giving her something to do (however perverse that might sound).
Take care of yourself.
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