How do you get a mean, selfish and controlling Mom to stop being like that? - AgingCare.com

How do you get a mean, selfish and controlling Mom to stop being like that?

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She has money but she wont buy the things i need to take care of her. She wont buy things she needs (her depression medicine cleaning supply rubber gloves etc) she demands things always her way and she wants to be in charge of herself and everyone else if not she becomes very hateful fawl mouthed she also wont change her clothes if they become dirty refuses to take baths or wash her hair on regular basis and much more she lives with my sister in law and she just excepts everthing she says and does (she says because shes been like that all her life so now she thinks she can be like that to everyone else (and she is) its frustrating for me because i help a few times a week or if she goes on vacation or wants to go out i wont take her abuse help

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Will do, but mine's clean today...she certainly had to be "on time & clean" for her 2 pm Dr's appointment. Told her after lunch it was rescheduled to next week & she laughed & said, "I forgot all about it!"
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I wasn't kidding. You have to be very clever to outwit dementia. And if you get into the Teepa Snow caregiving videos, she trains caregivers to start with the clothes ON. A lot of the time the person is afraid of bathing for various reasons - it's cold, it's loud, fear of falling, fear of being naked, etc. They can't smell odors anymore, so they don't believe there's a problem. They will not take off their clothes.

Seriously, it works. It's easier to get them wet and then remove clothes willingly than try to fight the clothes off them and have a different problem besides stinking.

Another trick is to go through the motions yourself of taking off each piece of clothing. Say something like "Here, trade shirts with me...."

Expecting a dementia patient to simply do as asked is barking up the wrong tree a lot of the time. Google Alzheimers caregiving showers bathing.
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Lol, I don't think the state would be too happy with that one.
We're trying a new one tonight...tell her she has a Dr's appointment in the morning (she might) & she needs a shower (after 9 days!) Crossing our fingers, but she usually will be clean "to go out."
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A Tactical Suggestion: One quick way to get a ripe elder into the bath is to "accidentally" throw pudding all over them. Get it in her hair and so much on her that she can't just wipe it away.

Then very quickly, before anybody has time to react or think, just get her back to the bath, right into the shower with her clothes on. Start spraying. The wet clothes will come off at that point and you can take care of business. I can't take credit for this technique, I'm just passing it along.

Be prepared to do a lot of "oh my gosh I'm sorry. My feet got tangled up...." kind of thing and be ready to hear how stupid, klumsy, idiotic you are. Just let it go and keep spraying & soaping! I would also have the bathroom setup for a bath or shower ahead of time, with clean towels, soap, etc.
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I am totally confused.

Who is the demanding woman? Your mother? Your sister-in-laws mother?

Your SIL has chosen the way she will deal with the woman in her care. You don't like it. You don't have to like it, but you cannot change it. SIL has a right to her decisions. You could have a clam discussion with her and point out what she would benefit by changing her caregiving style, but you cannot force her to change.

This woman SIL is caring for (with your help) has many behaviors you don't like. It is highly unlikely you will be able to change her at this point in her life, with or without your SIL's cooperation. If she has dementia then you aren't even going to be able to teach her what you expect from her.

So, you can't change SIL. You can't change care recipent. The person you have complete control over is you. You could stop helping out at all. That would be a real hardship for SIL. I suggest you do not make this decision if you care about SIL. But it is one option open to you.

You could simply do your best with what is available to you when you help out. Why do you need to be the one to worry about when she bathes or whether her clothes are dirty. Doesn't SIL deal with that? Do you clean when you are there? Bring your own supplies if you don't like what is available. In short, keep this demanding woman safe while her main caregiver is out of the house. Don't take on more than SIL really wants you to.

Once again, I am too confused about the relationships here. Is the person receiving care your mother or your SIL's mother or someone else? Is SIL married, or are you married to her sibling?
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Sandwich42 is right that is does not matter if mom is demanding. You cannot help SIL if she will not help herself. what she accepts is her own business. I can only suggest what I do. I emotionally disconnect. I bring my own cleaning supplies (and take them home with me when I go) because I cannot stand to have wet dog food bits and cans all over the counter, in the sink and on the floor. While I am there, I clean because I can't stand it. When my mother is foul mouthed, I call her on it with "I haven't done anything to deserve having you speak to me like that." If she continues, I move to another room and clean there. I don't engage. When she asks why I don't talk to her, I tell her that her communication style makes it impossible for me to have a conversation with her. I say this without emotion, like I am talking to a rock. If she becomes less abusive, I will talk with her. If she complains about something I am doing (cleaning, laundry, whatever) I say (again without emotion), "I am here doing this because you are not doing this. If you don't like how I am doing it, feel free to do it on your own, then I won't have to do it a way you don't like."

Your mileage may vary, but I just have to treat my mother in a logical fashion, calling her on her bad behavior without getting angry. I've even locked myself in the bathroom with a book for a half hour. It's not as bad as you might think.

And is SIL doing all this by herself? How did a non-blood family member get stuck with this duty alone?
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Jack, the best advice I received was from a Priest~"accept the fact your parent is NOT GOING TO CHANGE." Period. It changes YOUR whole perspective. Also, his Priest friend had a lifelong motto~if you can't go through, go over, under or around. Make arrangements for your sister to present her with the receipts or even get her to get Mom's permission to pay out for incidental costs. If completely exhausted with her button pushing & unable to NOT REACT, follow the 3rd Priest's advice~arrive late & leave early for awhile.
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Is your SIL's home clean? If not, call the dept. on aging and get mom placed somewhere else. If it is clean and your mom is healthy, I simply wouldn't go over there, anymore. You have choices, too. Refuse to be walked on.
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"this is the problem my sister in law has not me her mother treats her like that 90% of the time she gives in to her..."

This is the crux of the issue. As long as SIL gives in, Mom's not going to change her behavior. Why should she? She gets what she wants.

Enabling behavior is exactly that.
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Well, having come from a highly controlling/demanding mother myself, you have choices.

First, get your mom tested. There's a simple cognitive screening that can be done in your doctor's office or at home by a social worker. This will tell you a lot about where your mom is mentally, and if she is still able to make safe decisions.

Based on what you're describing, my bet is on "no", and you can get a lot of help by going this route. The doctor can help you out with a diagnosis, more testing, and writing orders for home care or other services. Medicare will cover a lot. Your mom might even qualify for Medicaid services or Veterans services to cover the cost of help. It doesn't have to be your money, so don't let that stop you from taking action.

Choices:
1. You & your sister can put your foot down and firmly but respectfully tell mom how it's going to be. Be prepared for the biggest hissy fit you ever saw. You may even see her go on a 3-hour hunger strike or fake a stroke, like my mom did. Doing this takes guts and an iron resolve that won't be moved. If this isn't possible now, then see #2.

2. Put mom in a care center when you all don't have to be under mom's thumb 24/7/365. All her worldly supplies and services are included in that price. She may very well behave differently for people who she sees as authority figures. Most of our elders see people in medical clothes as authorities and will behave. Even if she doesn't behave, those places are setup to handle an unruly elder. They will make sure she is clean and takes her meds one way or another. You both can stop being target #1 for all her anger. She may never be a happy camper, but you & sister can claim your lives back.

3. Bring in home-care to take the burden off. This solution might not be the best one forever, but it might help to start with.

My mom became totally non-compliant with meds, eating, hygiene, everything. And boy was she loud about what she demanded. What she demanded out of everybody was unreasonable, crazy, and would never have come out of the mouth of somebody with all their senses. It didn't matter and I didn't let it stop me from getting her help.

Let me repeat that - IT DID NOT MATTER THAT MOM WAS DEMANDING.
So are little kids. Take a step back, don't be afraid to be the adult, and look at this situation like an outsider would. If your best friend was in this situation, what would you think they should do?

Mom can only control you up to the point you let her. Stop letting her. You & sister need to be on the same page about this, and stop the insanity. Make decisions that are about her safety and wellbeing.

It doesn't have to be like this for the rest of her life or your lives.
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