Awhile back I asked my sig other if she thought it was a good idea if my grandmother moved in and she would take care of her and i would work during the day and once i got home she was "off duty". She is monetarily comped for eveything she does. Obviously she agreed. Now everything that we argue about is directly link somehow to the situation "I" put us in. As if every choice was made alone. She blames absolutly everything on our situation. I cant come to her and say hey i need to talk bc it will always end up an argument about grandma somehow. She feels like ALL sbe has to do is take care of grandma because thats what she said she would do. From the very beginning she has been resentful and unwilling to bend and be cooperative. I have gone out of my way to have extra help come in to sit with gma so we can have time but that was a big argument because i didnt do it fast enough. Mind you this has been about a month....only a month. God willing i have a few more years to deal with this. I try and nothing is good enough. I feel alone and ready to give up on everything and everyone. I am beginning to hate her for not being strong and living with her choices. I understand where she is coming from....i understand where everyone (uncle, dad,wife,grandme) is coming from because evrything and everyones problems and concerns come to me. And all i can do is take it in and find a way to deal with it bc i have no one to talk to. I cant have a bad day and break down to my wife. I cant have a concern and talk to my wife. But i have to take in all her issues and add it to everytbing else ,add it to the fact that she blames it all on me and just deal with it. Mean while who do i talk to? Who can i blame stuff on? Who can i lean on on the days i feel weak?? Im just fed up that none of my efforts are enough for her. I AM SO TIRED!!!! One month and she is breaking down. Everything in this house is so separate. Nothing is WE. Its her and I. She washed her pillow cases but not the sheets or my pillow cases. She will wash her dishes but not our dishes. They may seem like trivial things and on a regular scale they are but when its coupled with all the other things.......it starts to paint a very deliberate and sad picture. I dont know if things can be fixed. She is so content in blaming me i feel like she would rather our marriage fail just so she can blame me and tell everyone its my fault. I dont know. Thanks for listening anyway. *sigh*
This being said, I "hear" an even greater concern here: Will your significant other be there for YOU, if YOU become sick or disabled? From your comments, that answer seems obvious.
Definitely seek out some counseling, if your SI will go. Best of luck to you - you will need all the strength you can muster to get through this, but you will be a better and stronger person for it.
Thank is incredible. You definitely have stepped into some brown stuff here. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. You sound like you care for your sig other a lot. However, if there is anything I have learned in life is to put a loving couple in a stressful situation and watch what happens.
It's only been a month or so? What are y'all gonna do when the going really gets tough? This is only one aspect of the whole caregiving role. There is insurance, assets, banking, trust, declining health, and so on. I feel for ya for sure. If I was in your position I would back off. It appears that you are creating a monster by giving and giving to your sig other.
I guess what I am saying is that since the "lets sit down and talk about this" isn't working, and she is complaining all the time about this and that, give her some space. More than she may want. It's kinda like a reset. If she wants to clean only her things then I guess she better learn how to levitate or needs to clean the floor too. Use the bathroom? Get the soft scrub out. Eat dinner? Hope you aren't allergic to dish soap. Sure hope you know how to cook also, cause I'm cooking for me and whom ever else "I" choose to cook for.
Now, I'm not saying be a jerk about it. However, do it with a feel of natural consequences. It's a technique we used in behavior re-modification. One of many, and it sounds like your wife needs a healthy dose of it. Every action has a reaction, and positive action has positive consequences, negative, negative. It is imperative that it is done without one bit of anger or feeling of retribution. You will have to be prepared for threats and ultimatums. Natural reaction for not accepting responsibility for anything that one agrees to, and doesn't like the outcome of that decision. She may even challenge you to an extent that separates y'all more and more. (At this point you might wanna consider the consequences of what I am providing as an option)
As long as she has the ability to act and say whatever, and whenever without consequence this will not get any better. .. A couple of books (if you have the time)
Reality Therapy, and the 36 hour day. I wish you luck! It really sounds like you have your hands full with that situation. I doubt this will happen but ask your wife about seeing a counselor, use them like an arbitrator of sorts.
Sometimes it's easier to get out what the problem is with a stranger, because somewhere in the grey matter we feel like we aren't being confrontational when explaining to a stranger what the problem is.... All the WHILE the sig other is sitting right there. It's like... "You couldn't say this to me at home?"
Again, good luck!
What does your wife think is going to happen to her in her old age? Why does no one in this country teach children the "path of life" ? I had to stop working to care for my very ill parents to their death. Widowed at the time it was no problem... family takes care of family... and I had the pleasure to bring my parents to the town where my daughter lives and my parents had the pleasure to enjoy seeing and experiencing their 2 great-grand children with many visits. What's more it was important to us to have my grandchildren experience them! Children develop emotional contact necessary for them to feel connected to the very aged in the family and experience the care their parents and grandparents give and get. I do not see much of that interaction and care-factor in this society, generally excused by the fact that "Mom" has a job and can't stay home to care for an aged parent ... so off the elderly go into a Nursing-home... with occasional visits only by the young generation of that family... What does that teach them...? It teaches them separation of family, they even understand that's what will happen to "me" one of these days, and "my" parents ... Sad, is it not.....!!!! Surely in some instances it has to happen due to the health problem of the Aged... but it should not be the NORM. .......... In your case I would say that your wife has not been taught, and is unwilling to learn how to care for a family member due to the fact that she seems to be a narcissistic personality, which brings out passive and active aggressive behavior - which she may unleash towards the "Grandma" when you are not around to see....... In my County there is an agency that sends Aides/Help , charged on a scale according to Income. Have you looked at Elderly Services... Have you looked at being visited and assessed by such an agency, who will most likely pick up on the "phony" responses your wife might express to their questions.,... and the interview, they will conduct with "Grandma"..??? If you can get Aides to help with her care, that would or could ease her resentment to being so "Tied" down, it would give her the chance to go shopping while Aides are there. Such trips away are often enough to break up the day enough to ease the feeling of endless hours of being stuck in a job she does not like, and apparently did not understand when your deal was made to begin with....
The one suggestion I do have though... having worked as an Aide, is the caution to lock up all valuables, prior to Aide visits... not just so they won't be stolen... but to make the aide feel that she will not be falsely accused if something is just lost rather than stolen......... That goes for let's say : Hummel-figurines to Cash to Jewelry... it is not fair to the Aide to be responsible for the care of your valuables as well as for the patient.... !!! I also feel that judging by the desperation you feel, that some change has to happen very soon, to keep the an accident from happening that may lead to worse consequences..... Please get help from any Social Services available in your area.. starting with a search in your computer... There is often more available than you so far know about... Good Luck !!!
Putting grandmother in a facility is not abandoning her or choosing your wife over her. It would be getting grandmother the care she needs and deserves, AND giving your wife the opportunity to get a job she wants. In a facility, you would still be involved with grandmother's care, AND work on your relationship with your wife.
we should never do anything we dont want to do, elders are free to decay so long as its out of your sight, and animals are what really matter in life. newsflash !! put in a desperate enough situation that dog will eat you.
he has a brain the size of a tangerine at best.