My Mom's in a NH. When I visit her, she is belligerent, manipulative, tells lies, tearful etc. Any advice?

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My Mom's in a nursing home.I don't want to visit my mother in the nursing home. She was placed at a very nice rehab facility after a recent bout (we've had multiple bouts of this illness pattern) of pneumonia, UTI, conjunctivitis, congestive heart failure, atrial fib etc. She experienced delirium for about 4 days while in the hospital and she needed to have a nurse sit with her 24/7. She has vascular dementia (small vessel disease). She is belligerent. She is manipulative. She lies, i.e., lies about her finances, lies about her health issues etc. I have POA, but I keep uncovering more financial disasters, unpaid accounts etc. She then starts to whine and tells me what horrible care she is receiving. I'm a horrible son and she should have left me to die on the sidewalk when I was born. She can't walk without assistance. She urinates and defecates in her clothes. She defecates in the shower - when the facility insists that she get cleaned up. She refuses basic grooming assistance. I've paid for the hair styling, but she says the hair stylist never showed up, whereas I find out she threw the stylist out of her room. She then becomes very child-like and starts the "I'll be in here forever; I'll just wither up and die." I am working on her medicare spend down, irrevocable trust for funeral arrangements, a guardianship. The nursing home invoked her health care proxy with the following open-ended dates - vascular dementia, personality disorder, mood disorder, alzheimers disease. At this time, I just DO NOT want to visit her and go through the same series of complaints and whining. Any input into this? I don't mean to appear harsh, but my visits are nightmarish and no matter how I try to turn the conversation into a positive interaction, it gets us back to the above - or - the assassination of the Russian Tzars at the onset of the Russian Revolution. Any insight?

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Whoa myfavouriteplace! You may have a point with the 'not in control' but the poor guy sounds like he's doing a superb practical job. My mum just got kicked out of the 'care centre' assisted living cause she was so non compliant ... and other than the toileting issues, his story could be my mums. I'm horrified how she talks to the personal care workers. Its the saddest thing ever, and its sad when its your mum and you just don't understand. Then personal care worker told me" Once an adult, twice a child. " I try to keep it in mind.
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Linda, the right to take care of ourselves also HAS to include the right to b**ch and yell and scream blue murder about them - safely, and where it doesn't get back to them! Don't you think? This forum is a godsend for that. Say such things anywhere else and our parents might get whisked into protective custody before we can say 'double incontinence...'
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Maddisson, most of them are not mad at the patient, they are mad at the disease that has stolen a parent or a partner. They are mad because they can't fix it and there is no road back. So glad you can take care of your mother, many people can't. We are here to lead fellow caregivers by the hand.
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maddisson, this man is not treating his mother like crap. He's seeing to it that she has appropriate medical care, he's taking care of her finances so she can continue to get good care, he's working thru the paperwork to get Medicaid set up so she's cared for. He also may be a person whose mother was nasty and manipulative andverbally abusive when she was well, so the dementia may be amping up already existing behaviors. As for your words about the posters on this forum, remember something - these people are the ones who have chosen to care for parents when siblings bailed, who came into caregiving unexpectedly but rose to the job. They're doing it out of love and respect and decency, but it doesn't mean that they do not have the right to also take care of themselves. And for some, taking care of themselves means balancing care with detachment.
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Why is everyone so angry at people with dementia. They are not in control of what they do. How about some caompassion and if you don't have any, get out.
You aren't helping a person in agony by treating them like crap.
It truly makes me sick reading all of this. These are your PARENTS ... you know And this will be YOU someday.
Remember the parable "Do unto others as you would have others do onto you".
If you cant, get out of caregiving. Its not for you.
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Andrew, We don't know if his mother loves him. Some mothers never did.

Hugedoof, did your mother love you when she was well? If so, then remember that, because your "real" mother would never act like this.

If she didn't love you, remember that it's her failure, not yours. Not all women are equipped to be mothers, but the minimum job requirement is to love your child.

Please don't expect to have a rational conversation with her, because she is no longer rational. Maybe the right drugs could help. Pester the doctors to find the right drugs.

My BFF's mother had borderline personality disorder, and was a poor mother in many ways. She said similar cruel things. My bff hired me to visit her mom. She wasn't my mother, so it didn't bother me when she criticized me. I would just laugh, and then she would too. She was nice to me because I was fond of her. Is there a person other than you who could go and visit? I know it might not work in your case.

Calm down as much as possible. Visit as rarely as you want. Take someone with you for protection. Ignore almost everything she says. Remember she's a pitiful old woman whose life is almost over. If you can feel pity for her, you might be able to upgrade to compassion. She may not deserve compassion, but she needs it. And it feels so good when you can be compassionate. Best wishes.
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this is all part of the disease and you need to know she does love you and that its not her thats talking but the disease its very hard to go through without frustration because we love our parents but just remember who she was before all this and that you do need time to yourself as well...something i didn't do and it got the best of me...my prayers are with you
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Hi! I hear buddy! My mother makes me feel the same way, so I visit once a week and never by myself. It helps me to have someone as a buffer with me. My mom too has vascular dementia, has had numerous strokes and TIAs has depression and anxiety, doesn't think she needs to be in nursing home but at home with husband who barely walks on his own two legs, due to strokes and diminished circulation.
So, what I do when I do visit is when mom begins to rant, I tell her I am going to leave if she continues. Sometimes I have to leave. Give her some time to settle in, and take comfort in knowing you are not alone nor to blame for what she is doing. My mom is a DNR, she signed it herself thankfully. I would look into that with the state of your moms being. I wish you well.
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Continue to take care of her. It sounds like you are doing an awesome (and very challenging) job! You can certainly feel good about your own behavior.

I suggest that you continue to visit, but not stay around for the whining and accusations. "I can see that my being here is upsetting you, Mother, so I'm going home now. I hope when I am here Wednesday we can have a pleasant visit." IF Mom's brain is still processing cause-and-effect, she MIGHT learn from this to tone down her complaints in order to have you visit. But it is also possible that dementia will prevent her from learning this lesson. The only way to know is to try it. If keeping your visits short when she accuses you doesn't help, then keep your visits infrequent.
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You sound like a wonderful son. You've received great advice already, so I have nothing to add there. I just wanted to say your mom is SO lucky to have you looking out for her best interest. And I'm so sorry she's so awful to you; you don't deserve it. Stay away from her for a while for your own mental health.
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