Lazy, selfish, mental siblings that refuse to help and Dad takes advantage of the one child that does help. How do you deal?

Could it be that your mother's siblings feel that their father should be in a continuing care facility, and are using tough love by not helping, to force your Mom to place him? Have your mother check to see if her father can qualify for Medicaid and start looking for a nice place where he can be around people of his own generation.

In terms of taking care of Grandfather, consider your mother an only child. She must decide how to make sure that GF is well taken care of. That is what she is "supposed to" do. But doing all of the caregiving personally, taking 10 calls a day at her work, cleaning an extra house, and stressing to the point of being unrecognizable is NOT what she is supposed to do.

Leave Aunt and Uncle out of this. That is their choice. Mother is responsible for her own actions. While she certainly means well and thinks she is doing her duty, she is making some seriously self-damaging choices. There are other options, but I don't know how you can convince her of that.

Tell us a little more about your home situation.

If your grandfather's stroke was disabling, I imagine he has help at home during the day, does he? And those are the people who are putting in calls to your mother?

The thing is, granted she is cleaning his house and fixing his pills, it sounds as if she is also doing a great many practical tasks that other, hired people could do. And IF that is so, it would be so, too, even if your grandfather could be persuaded to move in to long term care. His needs would be taken care of, but your mother would still run herself ragged chasing around after him.

I think you might have quite an emotional can of worms on your hands, here.

Eighteen months is not very long in the scale of things. Your grandfather had a major health event, which must have shaken your mother, and then the loss of your grandmother in such a horrible way, so suddenly, on top… Dreadful.

Do you feel that your mother gave herself any time to adjust to these events, or is that a silly question?

It sounds as if she has got herself into a bit of a vicious circle. And the abrupt withdrawal of her siblings is contributing to all of the anger, grief and resentment she's working out. For example, suppose you were to suggest practical support for your grandfather's care: do you think she'd probably to tell you that it's all hopeless, everyone is incompetent and outside help is more trouble than it's worth?

I agree with Jeanne absolutely that what you yourself should do about your aunt and uncle is forget them. They're not in the picture. Accepting their choices does not mean that you're not supportive of your mother, but it will help you to look more clearly at what changes need to happen - and then you can help her think again about where the family goes from here. By the way, that doesn't have to mean putting grandpa on an ice floe and sending him away - just sorting out a plan that reduces your mother's burden to something approaching reasonable.

She's not alone. For one thing, she has a concerned and sensible child looking out for her :) - but also, what about the rest of your own immediate family? What do the rest of you think?

Contact your local area agency on aging, there may be programs that can provide in home help for your granddad. They also have caregiver services too. It doesn't hurt to call and ask. Just remember, you and your mom are not alone in caregiving responsibilities. There are many families that have family members that don't help out, that exploit but are the first one's to complain. Keep strong, look for community resources. good luck.

If caring for someone else is slowly killing you, it's time for a nursing home. Take tours of 8-10 facilities in your area. Choose the nicest 3 or 4 and schedule another tour, with your mother. Maybe once she sees that NH's are not the nightmare they may have been years ago, she might be willing to consider a move. Additionally, all nursing home also offer up to 30 days of "respite," which is a temporary stay. I would strongly recommend if nothing else, your mom take advantage of this. That month will give he time to see the forest without the trees. Often we don't realize how something is affecting us until we can get out of it for a little while. Good luck.

I'm so sorry about your grandmother, that is very tragic. I'm sure your mom feels very obligated to care for your grandfather and I can tell you, that type of pressure is hard to shake. I went through this with my mom because my only other sibling decided to take herself out of the mix years ago because it was "too hard". Encourage your mother to look for help. She may not be ready to move him into a nursing home but there are many other resources like home care agencies and visiting nurses that can help. She is going to get burned out (if she's not already) but sometimes we just don't see it. I'm glad your grandfather has her and she has you. Maybe you could have a friend of hers speak with her about it as well. My daughter and my husband are my support and they had to tell me over and over again that it's okay to take a day for myself. I don't do it very often but now that I've gotten my mom stable and I know she's safe and happy I will take one day every couple of weeks where I just go do something I enjoy. It re-energizes me and I feel so much happier and excited to see my mom the next day!