Is there some guidance for helping an estranged/ex-spouse newly diagnosed with Alzheimer’s while respecting boundaries re new life partner?

I read your reply to Alva where you wrote: "She still drives and is of sound mind - she is having memory issues..." Those are contradictory statements. Someone of sound mind does not have memory issues. His wife has Alzheimer's, not a head cold that's causing some brain fog. She's not distracted but rather her brain is breaking.

There is no cure for her condition. It's only going to get worse; her needs are only going to increase. Your boyfriend can buy her all the pill organizers in the world and there will come a time when she has absolutely no idea what purpose they serve.

They are married and their finances remain entangled so here is some blunt guidance for you to consider when you talk to him:

1. Is the house in both of their names? Or, if they rent is the lease in both names?

2. He can't just divorce a woman diagnosed with dementia and expect to walk away without having to pay alimony.

3. Is the car that she shouldn't be driving in both of their names?

4. What's going to happen if she causes an accident and their insurance company finds out she has dementia and her husband knowingly let her drive?

5. Confusion can come on suddenly. Who are the neighbors going to call if they find her wandering around lost, confused and in her nightgown? Probably the police who will call....yep, your boyfriend because he's her husband.

It doesn't matter what he said about his marriage being over. Things changed when she got diagnosed with dementia. Good luck.

I would not push or give ultimatums, they rarely work in our favor. But I do think you have a right to know where u stand in all this. Being a former member (and u have been missed) you are very aware what a diagnosis of ALZ means. If this is something fairly new for him, he may just be overwhelmed at this point. He does need to know that she will only worsen and that a MC maybe in her future. Even spouses who love their partners have to make the decision to place them because it gets beyond their ability. She should be placed, at least now, in an AL since her girls don't want to step up to the plate. Then he helps as her POA. I don't see where he would need to give up POA to divorce her. She would not be able to assign someone else. I know a woman who years ago did not even know she was divorced. I think it can be a one sided thing. As long as he shows she will be well taken care of financially, I see no problem. When I divorced, my State required a separation of 18 months. He made that.

I found out years ago to use patience in a relationship. Never push the other person. Give them time to figure out things for themselves. Do not ignore those gut feelings though. Know when to step back. If a relationship is going to die, it will die a natural death.

DH and I were just telling our daughter how he proposed. He didn't. I said "Well are we getting married". He said "Yes I guess so, I am kind of curious". 42 years later we r still together. Yes, sort of lost my patience but he is a shy man.😁

Looking at the finality of all this, all the choices, I would say they are yours for your own life.
This wife is apparently not far advanced. She will get farther advanced. And whether he sees himself as "husband" or not, he may be so involved in her care, he and his children, that you become a poor second.
YOU CAN'T be his GUIDE in this.
His decisions are his own, and so far he has made them for his wife and his family, not for you.

I would say this. You aren't a young thing any more yourself, nor is he.
If you can be happy being a good and supportive friend, then do so.
If you really want to be a WIFE?
That's not happening.
And your trying to guide how he should treat the woman WHO IS HIS WIFE is going to lead you BOTH to grief.

Don't give advice. It isn't your place. He is a grownup with a wife and children and capable of making his own choices and decisions.
No one can guess at his reasoning, and he may not be fully aware of it himself, but for whatever reason he has
NEVER DIVORCED THIS WOMAN. Not when she was well. Not now that she is descending into dementia.
It is unlikely he ever will.

It is on you what you can live with, but not to change him, because doing so will lead to dreadful resentment from his children and from himself.
It isn't for children to come back in to care for his spouse. It is for him to do so. As long as he is married to her. As you have said, you are of another culture, and I assume one where the children step in. In the United States, for the most part, the children STEP OUT. Sorry, that's my experience of it. They are busy with their own lives, their own jobs and children and vacations. They will be sure to be there when the will is read, bless them, but.........................
YOUR saying they should be there for the wife means ZERO.
HIS saying they should be there for their mother means ZERO.
It is unlikely to happen.
What is likely to happen is what you see happening before your eyes. His feelings of history, guilt, shared lives together may drive him back to attempt care of his wife.
You then have your own decision about/for your own life.

The fact that you’re not American and have different values may be the cause of your problem. I’m assuming he is American because you didn’t state otherwise. Therefore, the fact that he is still legally married trumps everything else. You, whether you like it or not, are not a “family member”. He most likely cannot divorce his wife in her state now. You may be on the sidelines waiting for years. As others have said, you cannot set boundaries for him, only for yourself. What are you willing to sacrifice for this “still married” man. How long will you wait and permit him to care for his wife? Also, if HE got seriously ill, you might not be allowed to visit him in the hospital. There are so many legalities to consider despite you not being bothered that he is legally married and you are satisfied with being his girlfriend. Even though you state there are no financial struggles now, Alzheimer creates expenses that may be greater than you think. Long term care is very, very expensive and many people end up going the Medicaid route, in which case the spouse will have to spend down assets. In my opinion, your worrying has only begun. I hope you find the solution that works for you.

Thank you for your clear overview of your situation.
I read Alva's in detail and agree with her overall.

While it does NO good in present time to consider your [past] decisions, and those of your lover, when he decided NOT to divorce 'back then' (and marry you or be legally untangled with his wife / perhaps available to marry you), it should have given you pause ...

Why didn't he want to divorce?
Why did he want a lover? (you)

There are reasons why he chose to do what he did.
If I were you, I would have a sit down heart-to-heart talk with him to find out what he wants to do (with you) and how he sees this situation moving forward with his wife's cognition/brain chemistry changing.

If he cannot be clear on where his alliance lays and he maintains the 'status quo' of the relationship he has with you now, there is your answer.

It depends on what you want - from him. You sound like a very kind/empathic caring person. That is admirable although, too, it is time that you put yourself first and decide what quality / kind of future you want (with him and / or without him). If you are okay being 'second' / not the primary person / partner in his life, then you may decide to stay - however he may or may not change his mind.

"If" he knows that you will leave him if he doesn't either divorce, which sounds unlikely, or doesn't make some changes (perhaps legally), and put YOU first, then you make your decisions based on that information.

As someone said below, if you can be 'his friend,' (and perhaps hers), then you accept the situation as it is (you are not his primary life partner; you are his emotional support / rock / intimacy partner - his lover.

Take care of yourself.
Be very direct and honest with him.
Tell him what YOU want and see what he says.
Be clear on what you want before having this conversation.

It might not be time for an ultimatum type conversation although everything depends on how you feel about being involved in this relationship as it is now, and how it will proceed knowing she will continue to decline. As well, so will both of you, if not cognitively/dementia, decline all the same . . .

and then what?
Will he be there for you?
Will you be there for him?
Will he still be legally married?
Will he continue to feel either obligated / guilt motivated to put his wife first?

As I often suggest, get into therapy to sort this out.
Perhaps with him or certainly alone if he isn't interested in joining you.
He may want / need individual therapy too - as I believe / think / feel that he is very emotionally torn and perhaps doesn't know what to do.

Gena / Touch Matters

There’s no happy ending here for you. He’s married. No matter what you’ve let yourself believe about your affair with him, he is still married. Everyone here can speculate as to why he never divorced his wife but it’s immaterial. He’s married. You have no standing in his marriage. His obligation, and clearly his morals, dictate that he care for his sick wife. Forget counseling or anything legal. You cannot and should not try to influence him to see things your way. You deserve to have a whole relationship with someone who can fully commit. So pick yourself up, straighten your crown, move on and be awesome. Best of luck to you.

SoWorried, I have a couple of thoughts to share.

"he seems to have taken on this situation on his own. I don’t know if it’s bc of what people would think or guilt or what"
Probably both. Upon reflection, he may be rethinking what the real cause of the disconnect between himself and his wife. Could it have been changes due to undiagnosed Alzheimer's? If so, then it appears it changes the calculus for him. He MAY indeed feel guilty and embarassed to not help her now that he realizes she was ill. He may fear being thought of as that guy that bailed on his sick wife. If he knew then what he knows now, he may not have entered the relationship with you. However, he did not know she was changing because of disease and you two fell in love.

I know you came to this forum for advice about his boundaries and how he should be helping her. Did he ask for your help or opinion? If not, I think it is in your best interest to not advise him.

I can imagine a scenario where you two can continue on with your relationship, but it is likely going to look very different than what you imagined. And, that could bring you happiness as well. I wish all involved clear sight and wisdom in your choices.

Are you in the USA or another country? If you live somewhere outside of the US it would be difficult for us to comment on this due to the different norms that you stated. However if you are in the US then traditions in your home country mean nothing. It may be just a piece of paper but in the USA it is a binding 'contract".

You have only been together for 18 months. It sounds like he was married for many decades.

He is committed to taking care of his wife. It sounds like you are the mistress. If he was interested he would have gotten divorced and put a ring on it (married you.)

His wife is young at age 64 and probably in good physical shape. She could live another 20 years.

I would date other men that are truly available and legally divorced. It sounds like you are a nice person.

Move on. Date other men casually before getting into a relationship. Avoid dating men that are not divorced. They are not emotionally available.

I applaud you for reaching out for help and for helping your bf with research. It speaks volumes of your character. He is a lucky man to have a wonderful woman like you in his life.

Let’s assume that you are living in America. Legally, their marriage is what is considered binding. In the courtroom, they are still married and are responsible for each other. Your strong relationship with him is not legal binding. On personal level, a 30-yr marriage is a long marriage, so you have to accept that there is still some connection between them. I would not get in the middle or you will end up on the losing side. Show him this post of yours on this forum and move forward with your life independently. No ultimatum; it never worked.

SoWorried: An individual suffering from dementia should never be the operator of a motor vehicle.

In the poem , "Death of a Hired Hand", Robert Frost wrote, "Home is where when you have to go there, they have to take you in." Yes, there is guidance but you are not going to like it. It starts with, who is legally required to care for the person with early Alzheimer's? Since they have not divorced, it is her spouse-even if they are separated. Adult children only have a duty if she resides in one of the 30 states with filial responsibility laws and there is no spouse to step in. The next question is, "Who has her Durable Power of Attorney, her Health Care Power of Attorney, and her HIPPAA authorization? Presumably, she has all of her estate planning documents and they have been updated. If your person does not have her estate plan in order, she needs to see an eldercare attorney ASAP. If the Alzheimer's has progressed too far, she may need to have a testamentary capacity exam which is very expensive. She is really fortunate that her spouse stepped up to make sure she is cared for even though they are separated. It shows he has integrity. If he is spending the night at her house, he may feel it is not safe for her to be alone. As executive function declines, people with Alzheimer;'s often make very bizzare decisions or stgart to wander. The last thing to go by the way are social skills so it is often not evident to people who observe from outside the home. Of course the husband is frazzled and exhausted. That is the nature of being a Caregiver of a person with dementia. And more often than not, paid Caregiver's are a joke. Her husband may be giving up the best years of his life but that is his legal duty. Who would do it if he wasn't there.? Would you do it.? Reading about Alzheimer's is not Caregiving nor is it support. Joining an Alzheimer's support group would be a better option. Google Teefa Snow to explore resources. Your role at this point is to ber a good friend and perhaps offer to take her to doctor's appointments. At some point, she will be told she can no l.onger drive.

First I have to say, my parents separated but remained friends (they shared children), still are and never bothered getting divorced until one wanted to remarry. It may not be the norm but maybe it should be.

Now on to SoWorried’s question. I would urge you to stay away from what you think their grown daughter and children should or shouldn’t do, there may be all kinds of reasons their daughter is doing what she can do and it really isn’t for any of us to judge her anymore than it is for us to judge your BF for not getting divorced yet. What does seem in order to me is your BF, their children and maybe his estranged wife to have a sit down and figure out how to handle her diagnosis and needs. If there is money for it either home help or IL that steps up to AL and memory care sounds like a good option now since it gives her time to settle in before she progresses further and it’s harder to adapt. I would tend to agree that him moving in and and out just seems more confusing for her and taxing her with the constant need to adapt. It’s going to become even harder as she slips into different time periods and thinks he is still her partner or boyfriend, harder for her to understand and it could become extremely awkward for him. Helping from a bit more of a distance is likely to cause her (the patient) less confusion and trauma. Just my opinion but his place in making decisions or being the lead in her care seems less appropriate, taking up a supportive, very supportive role seems far better for everyone. He can be her supportive friend, he can support their children in caring for their mom and he can take on at least some of the financial burden since their finances are likely still entwined but being the primary dish and bottle washer only makes things harder for everyone as far as I can see. I am assuming here that his children are well aware that their parents marriage relationship is and has been over and that everyone is clear that it has been for some time. How long have they actually been separated? Is it a legal separation? This may all have some bearing on where he stands legally and that is something he really should talk to a lawyer about so there aren’t any surprises. Hard as it is, knowing all the facts rather than not knowing but having a general idea, will make all o this less sticky for everyone. Remember while all of this does of course affect you it isn’t about you so resist trying to make it about you. Be his friend and give him guidance not ultamatives as you already know he is a caring upstanding guy and he isn’t going to abandon his “wife” or children, that’s one of the reasons you love him and my guess is he won’t abandon you either if you don’t back him into a corner he can’t escape from, even if it feels that way at times. Be his rock, his back up working behind the scenes, do research on facilities, help make appointments and get things in place if he or his children want and most of all continue being his sounding board. Hard situation, I’m sorry for all of you.

You have a lot of great advice here. Take it. This guy may be the love of your life, but you are not front and center in his right now and not for the near future.

Avoidance is an action. It has consequences. He now has to deal with those. You also have to accept that he chose not to divorce his wife, for whatever reasons, and possibly cannot now.

You have no say in anything regarding his family. You can be supportive of his situation or bow out. You can love him, or leave him. What you can't do is change the reality of the situation.

I have chosen to help my husband's former wife on multiple occasions when she has needed it. Their kids are my step-kids, and sometimes they ask me for advice. If they don't, I have to keep my mouth shut. This is reality. Best of luck!

My daughter's 21 year marriage is unraveling because of the other woman. Her husband walked out on his underage children, the youngest being seven because he needs to live his best life.

I have no sympathy whatsoever for OP. She gets what she deserves.

Soworried,

I am curious as to why you would be attracted to a married man. I would have seen this man as a dead end road right from the get go.

Start looking at what caused you to get involved with him in the first place?

If a marriage is over the only fair thing to do for everyone is to get divorced. A man doesn’t love a woman he is having an affair with if he isn’t willing to divorce his wife.

Consider yourself as being used instead of being his “happy place” which I have no idea what that means. Nothing about this situation is “happy!”

I knew someone, "Sandy," who had a five-year relationship with the man of her dreams. He even moved her 1500 miles to live close to him. He paid her rent, gave her money to spend. He told her at the outset that his wife, who lived in a facility, had Alzheimers. Wife was in assisted living for mobility issues. She didn't have memory issues at all.

Someone eventually told Sandy that he still saw his wife, and she said she knew that and that it was okay, since wife was in an institution and she didn't blame the husband for putting her there. Sandy had no idea that her boyfriend saw his wife at least once a week for dinner, hung out at the assisted living for social hour with his wife, took wife out to lunch twice a week and talked with her every day. To the very end, Sandy insisted that she didn't date married men, even though she freely admitted that he WAS married (maybe it doesn't count if wife has Alzheimers). Sandy was sure it was the greatest love of all time. It ended when he died.

This kind of situation is all over the place. Nothing new.

I don’t think 18 months makes you a life partner. It makes you a dating interest.