My mom passed away on 2/6. after being on hospice care for about 2 weeks. My 3 siblings had a hospice meeting @ NH without me. Nobody notified me about the meeting. I would have gone. I wasn’t told by any of them when her hospice care would begin. I’m disabled & have several chronic illness;; Sjögrens, Inflammatory Polyarthritis, Chronic Migraine, CFS/ME, Fibromyalgia, joint hypermobility & more. I went to the NH as often & stayed for as long as I could before mom passed away. I was constantly criticized by my siblings & even mom for not doing enough. I don’t think mom would have been so critical if it weren’t for false info my siblings fed her. My 2 brothers took charge of her care from NH admission til she passed. I was excluded. Brothers & my sister never spent much time w mom when she was living @ home. They were not familiar w her medications or daily routine. Mom & I built a home together after Hurricane Katrina. We lived under the same roof but on different floors. I took care of mom over the years when needed. I was her sole caregiver after she had a knee replaced. I cared for her @ home post op. I drove her to all PT & Dr appointments. I’d help w her grocery shopping, errands, cleaned, etc. Over 11 years we lived together I did: all the lawn/yard care, purchased riding mowers, did a lot of home repairs myself (I’m pretty handy.), found reliable & dependable people to do the repairs I couldn’t do or to finish repairs I started, was responsible for all hurricane prep & clean up, bought mom vacuum cleaners to see which one would be easiest for her to use, bought her air purifiers to help control pet dander & decrease dust accumulation so cleaning would be easier, etc. I wanted mom to have a beautiful home, a beautiful life. My siblings were scarce during this time. My brothers thanked me for taking care of mom so they could pursue family & careers. Since mom was admitted to NH in 11/2018 following a UTI w septicemia, I’ve been pushed out of her care by my siblings. They didn’t involve me in the conversation about admitting her to a NH. They “thought I wouldn’t agree.” I was left out of all care meetings, health care decisions. I have a medical background. There were numerous times I’d tell my brother (POA) in TX if I thought mom had another UTI & needed to be on antibiotics, if she had a cold that needed to be treated, if she needed to see a specialist, etc. . EVERY illness, treatment or care I told POA mom needed was ignored. I can honestly & accurately say every diagnosis & treatment I had suggested for mom was correct. I know this because the nursing home eventually made the same diagnosis & treatment plan days after I notified POA of the same thing. I firmly believe her quality of life life @ the NH could have been much better if POA had taken action & contacted the NH to inquire about the info I shared w him. Mom had a UTI right before she began hospice care. I’d already suspected she had a one. I asked her routine questions a Dr would ask a patient about having a UTI. Mom answered yes to every question. Then I had the Nurse on duty see mom. She asked similar questions. Mom answered Yes to every question. The Nurse agreed mom had a UTI. Mom was a RN, she also thought she had a UTI. I told POA about all of this at least 1 week before a urine culture & sensitivity was finally done. I had contacted him & the NH multiple times in an effort to get a urine culture & sensitivity done. The answer to my care request from the NH & POA was they didn’t think it was needed. The only way to accurately determine if mom had a UTI & needed treatment was to do a urine culture & sensitivity. One easy test done 1 week earlier could have led to a different outcome. I have many unanswered questions; Why was I excluded from mom’s routine care & hospice care/plan? why did mom believe every lie my siblings & dad told her about me? why didn’t siblings or dad help me care for her dog when I asked for help. I eventually had to re-home
I took the liberty of looking up the locations of GriefShare. It’s a grief support group that meets to help people during their grieving process.
There are several locations and times at various churches in your area.
Take a look at their website. griefshare.org and type in your zip code to see the locations.
I don’t think anyone can predict the exact time of death or prevent another person’s death.
Please don’t continue to second guess yourself. This isn’t your burden to carry. Most of all, I am quite sure that your mom would not want you to carry this burden. She is at peace and I hope that you will find peace soon.
Take care.
Although I don't feel I know enough to respond to most of your questions--and they may not be satisfactorily answered for you ever--the question about the dog on the face of it does not seem too complicated to me. While you and your mother were living I'm the same house, you took care of all your mother's needs without help from your siblings. They didn't want to help with the dog, and from experience, they knew you'd take care of the dog in the way that was best for the dog. regardless of how much time and money you spent. That's exactly what you did. If they had taken on the care of the dog, it sounds as if they would have given it to a rescue/adoption agency. That's what would have cost them the least energy and money. That alternative would not have been satisfactory for you!
I was angry at covid, at the world, but now I realize, he was ready. I do completely feel that if it wasn't for covid he wouldn't of died then. But what kind of life would he of had, he was miserable and done with this life. And I found peace . It sounds like you're mom was ready too
My condolences on your loss.
And if you wanted to know why your mom believed the lies your siblings and dad told her, you should have asked her before she died. And the same with your moms dog. Why haven't you asked your dad or siblings about it?
Sounds like there's a lot of dysfunction in your family as there is in many, mine included, but you're going to have to come to terms with the way things went down and come to peace with it.
Your moms at peace now and I'd like to think that she'd like her children to have some peace now as well. Hopefully in time you'll be able to find that peace.
I asked my siblings for help caring for mom’s dog more than once. Nobody was willing to help. Each had an excuse why they couldn’t or wouldn’t do it. My dad helped some. He was 84 @ the time. He commented he didn’t think he’d be walking a damn dog for the rest of his life. I had 8 pets (2cats, 1 dog & 5 parrots) & cared for my fiancé’s cat that had cancer when he went to work on a tugboat on the MS River every other week. I needed to take care of myself too. Mom’s dog was terrified of my parrots. She didn’t like being anywhere near them so she stayed alone downstairs. I contacted a breed specific rescue to find her a new home. Mom’s dog received excellent care by the rescue. She had a tumor removed from a paw, dental, grooming, play dates @ a doggie day care, stayed @ a rescue member’s home with another dog just like her til adopted, etc. She received excellent care. She also hit the jackpot when she was adopted.
Also of a mother with a very complicated and long history of illnesses, who has now passed.
You do not mention her age but from what you told us she has been very ill, as have you, yourself.
We are not psychologists, mediators, attorneys or any other entities that could might come to conclusions/decisions of right and wrong in a situation this complicated.
I am very sorry for your grief and your loss.
I wish you healing and suggest that the quickest way toward that is to move forward.
Looking backward is an exercise in futility at this point. It will not help your mother but it will hurt you and any family relationships you may hope to nurture or retrieve in future.
One thing I've learned in my 68 years on this planet is there are two sides to every story. So I can't weigh in on your grievances with your family.
I wish you peace as you grieve the loss of your mother.