I’m debating whether to take my mom home with me or put her into an assisted living. Advice?

Welcome to the forum!

I highly recommend Assisted Living for your mom. She can self pay until her funds run out and then you apply for Medicaid and she moves into a Skilled Nursing Facility, if she's still alive. At 86, she may have enough funds to last her in AL for the rest of her life, right? My folks were in AL from 2014 until 2019; then mom went into the Memory Care bldg of the same AL. They both loved Assisted Living; there were lots of social events, happy hour on Fridays, a dance floor, entertainment/music, outings on the mini bus weekly, a gorgeous garden to stroll, a great dining room with a changing menu, nice buffets at the holidays, all sorts of things. Plus they had help at all times when needed. I recommend you look into a privately owned AL rather than a corporate owned one b/c they are better run, in my experience.

You can move mom in with you but that doesn't always work out so well; read the forum here and see for yourself. Elder care is a very difficult thing to take on and having someone else in your home is invasive. As the elder gets sicker and needier, the family life tends to suffer too. But, if you feel like you want to give it a try, you can do that too. There's no one size fits all scenario that works for everyone. If you and mom get along great, it may work out well for you and she'd save lots of money that way, but you should consider charging her monthly room and board fees to help with your added costs. Just something to think about.

I just read your profile; move mom into an AL that also has a Memory Care attached. That's what I did; dad died in 2015 and mom was dx'ed with dementia in 2016. It got pretty bad in 2019 and I had to move her into the Memory Care bldg after a hospital stay. You said mom has it herself and it is VERY hard to deal with at home!!! You are worn out and rightly so. Memory Care AL has a whole TEAM of people to care for her. She can start out in regular AL and move into MC when need be. Don't feel 'guilty' for getting her placed into a managed care environment where she will get the care she NEEDS. That leaves you to be the daughter again instead of the worn out caregiver. Go back to your OWN family and give her a new life in AL, that's my suggestion.

BEST OF LUCK!

I promised my mom she could stay in her home as long as she was safe and healthy. Her ALZ/dementia progressed to the point we had caregivers come during the day and I tried to take evenings while still working 40+ hours a week. She then progressed to needing care for longer periods and at $22+ per hour, it became expensive quickly to extend the caregiver hours. She hated having strangers in her house as well.
I stayed completely exhausted and wracked with worry that something would happen during the few hour gap no one was there. After visiting several AL facilities, including a couple with Memory care on the other side, we decided on an AL facility with Levels of Care pricing. It is awesome so far! Great meals, laundry, cleaning, tons of activities and a weekly outing. I’ve met most of the aides, medication aides, dietary aides, Activity Director. I made it a point to build good relationships with all that come into contact with her. She is at mid stage ALZ and needs medication management and reminders to go down to meals, bathe, etc. so she is at Level 1 Care.
When she gets to the point she can no longer feed herself or get out of bed, she will need to move, but for now she has 4 more stages of care open to move through. She does have a LTC policy which pays $3000 a month so with that, SS and dad’s pension we are EXTREMELY lucky and thankful for the financial planner they worked with over the years years.
I still visit her every day, take her on outings, manage her finances, multiple doctor appts, check on her eating, taking care of her house until it’s sold, etc (just saying there’s still a lot of time involved even with her in AL) but it’s LOADS off my mind knowing someone has eyes on her 24/7, makes sure she eats, takes her meds, etc. It truly is a 24/7/365 task, even with outside help to manage, when they move in with you in your house or you attempt to allow them to stay in their own home. I love my mom without measure! But I felt it was best for her and for myself that she move to AL. She’s still adjusting, some bad days and some good days, but I know in my heart this was the right move for both of us. Everyone has to make their own decision as to what’s right, not just for their loved one, but for them and their family also.

I faced the same question last year and ended up choosing AL, even though for a long time we were thinking of moving Dad in with us (and might have done that earlier, if not for COVID). Similar situation — most of his money was in his house.
The reasons I chose AL vs. having him live with us was because of a health crisis that made me very concerned about whether or not my family could maintain our life having him life with us. He is on a lot of meds, can't drive any more, can't cook for himself, and I was worried that we would not be able to do anything that wasn't dictated by his needs (my husband and I both work and we have a teenage daughter)
Ultimately, I'm very glad I chose AL. He's right down the road (versus eight states away, where his house was) so I can help him with everything from shopping to doctors appointments to just having him over for dinner. But he's not 100% my responsibility there — they help with meds, his meals are taken care of, they do his laundry and clean his space, etc. I sleep a lot better at night knowing he's going to be fine, even if my husband and I are working late.
Like you, I am concerned about the money and making sure it lasts. (Unfortunately Dad, who is starting to get dementia, is not as concerned — the money from his house is the most money he's ever had in his life, so I have to keep reminding him — this is it! We need to make it last!) I did a lot of research into how this plays out and if he gets to the point where he is starting to outlive his assets I will, prior to that point, get him into a nursing home. Nursing homes accept Medicaid, but they often have limits on the number of patients. However if you come *into* the home with assets then they can work with you on spending them down and transitioning to Medicaid. He also has a pension and SS. I think we can make AL work for the rest of his "good years" and then we will figure out next steps. The peace of mind afforded by AL is worth it, to me, to research and make sense of what we might have to do next.

I can’t answer the facility questions because my parents both moved into my home.

There are no wrong answers - this is a decision fir what works best for for you and your mom.

It sounds like you were asking the group whether it is possible to take care of your mom at home. That is my wheelhouse. Both my parents lived with me until the end of their lives and I feel that was the right decision for my family. It is definately possible. Not easy, but I wouldn’t give up the memories (even of the hardest days). This was a great experience for my children (they had to sacrifice too) and they look back on this experience lovingly.

I’m just writing to say this is an option if it seems to work best for you.

Don’t have her in your home and then take her to AL. She won’t want to leave. Either go straight to AL or plan to keep her in your house as long as possible.

Your profile says you are already tired from what you are doing for your mother now. It's a bonus that she is willing to go to Assisted Living and not fighting you about that. If it is a CC facility, it would seem the best solution b/c she could move into whatever care level she required if her needs changed. I am not conversant with the ins and outs of Medicaid, but I thought if your mother's resources were spent down to Medicaid qualifying levels, the Medicaid would help pay for her care. Would she be able to stay in the facility you would like to choose for her if her financing changed?
If you are experiencing exhaustion and frustration with her care already, moving her into your home will only accelerate your Burn Out and seems like a Poor Option.

Whatever you decide to do always keep in mind that no one can make you pay for your mother's care. Demanding payment from family and intimidating them to believe that they are financially responsible for an elder's care is common practice with nursing homes and AL facilities. This kind of illegal shakedown goes on everywhere across the country. Even if you have POA, you are not responsible to pay for your mother's care out of your own funds.
I would say your best best would be to visit some AL facilities and ask them if they accept Medicaid. Don't tell them your mother's house is being sold or anything like that. Many AL facilities do accept Medicaid. I worked in a beautiful one that did.
Or you could try having your mother live with you and use hired caregivers to help out. They will be paid from the sale of her house.

I just went through a similar situation with my Mom, who passed away 2 weeks ago at 100. Mom lived with me for two years and then spent the last 6 months of her life in AL. She also had dementia. I want to add a couple of points to the ones already expressed on this thread.

Most ALs try to keep residents out of memory care until they cannot function in their residence. Just because she has dementia, don't assume that she needs memory care yet. The facility will evaluate her. If possible, find an AL with transitional memory care.

Look around for the right assisted living facility. The big, corporate ones are just that......too big and more concerned about making money. Mom had lived in one for independent living and spent a few months in their AL. The AL was a horrible experience and we paid top dollar for very little in return. We eventually found a smaller facility that was fabulous. It was MUCH cheaper, had a lot of staff, and on top of that, they treated Mom like family. I was shocked there are actually places like that. Look around and get on social media in your area to get recommendations. That is how I found the perfect place for Mom.

And finally, when you are shopping for AL, ask them up front if they will care for your mother until the end. In Mom's case, she stayed in her own apartment and when it became necessary, hospice (paid by Medicare) was called in.

I am presently sitting in veterans’ residence. All three floors of 90 residents have been isolated in their rooms for the past month. No activities, minimal staff because many got Covid, can’t walk the halls for exercise, nothing to do but sit in front of a tv or sleep. Over half of them have Covid, a few new cases each day prolonging the isolation. At least 2 have died of Covid. Think twice before putting anyone in homes for the elderly at this point- money or no money.

You should look for in home care for her! We have a program here called IRIS that can help with financial needs and care for her right in her own home. If you prefer she move to your home that would be all right too. She can choose anyone, including family as caregivers and IRIS will pay for them.

Please DO NOT put her in a nursing home! The abuse and neglect is terrible.