My older brother, 62 has some form of dementia. He is in firm denial of that. Says he has a head injury although there is none. He is alone. He has never been capable of a long term relationship because he is a borderline narcissist. It is ALWAYS about him. I have been taking care of bills, appointments, being his listening post (he calls me 2 to 10 times a day) and logistical stuff etc for the past 5 years. I have never taken a penny from him. I have done it because I felt I needed to as no one else would. My other brother lives in another country, has married a very young woman there and fathered children and is also a narcissist (I pray I am not one as it does seem to be a trait!). Job changes and Covid have made it so our finances need a boost. My husband and I will be doing a job that requires us to be out of the state about 80% of the time. I am having terrible guilt issues about leaving. It is bad enough that I won't be able to visit my children and grandchildren as often as I do now. I will not ask them to help. He is NOT their problem and frankly he is not nice and very, very difficult to spend time with. I never leave him without feeling exhausted and headachy. I have asked him about hiring someone to come in a couple of times per week, but he refuses. He is still capable of doing most things around the house, but I do not think he can handle appointments, he probably shouldn't be driving and I know he will get depressed. How do I force him to get the care he needs? I am afraid my anxiety from all of this will kill me or lead me down the same path. It is terrifying. When do my duties stop as a sister? How do I get out from under this? How is he my problem? If he had been a better person he most likely would have someone in his life to care for him now (who I would support whole heartedly!). How do you get beyond the guilt of leaving?
Is this a confirmed Dx or just a guess? If he's been Dxed with dementia, then being "in firm denial" isn't a surprise. Never could use the "D" word around my mother - she's just fine, ya know!
It IS admirable that you have taken on the tasks of assisting him with various tasks, for 5 years now. Clearly you are a good, conscientious person, not a narcissist! Do you have POAs in place? If not, that makes it especially difficult to manage someone's finances and medical care. Is or was he working? Is he on disability? Guilt shouldn't be the word used for your situation. Concern. Care. Worry, sure. Not guilt.
I am a bit concerned about various responses that say leave him to his own devices. If it was only about being selfish and/or lazy, then yes, agreed. However, IF he has some form of dementia, his "devices" are going to be lacking and get worse over time. My mother seemed more or less "capable" of caring for herself, but that isn't the case, even with early dementia. Damage to the car, we took it away. She could "get by" with help getting supplies, etc, but it was NOT sustainable. She also denied having an issue, felt she was fine, but she wasn't. She injured her leg and did mention it to a neighbor (reported as a bruise) but never told one of us. It was crucial to know that as it needed treatment (cellulitis, and she didn't have enough sense to know it was bad!)
You need to take these jobs and deal with yourselves and your family too. That doesn't mean abandoning him completely to the 4 winds. If you've had contact with his doctor, can you address your concerns with him/her? Without POA, they can't discuss his medical with you, but they CAN and SHOULD listen to your concerns, with or without POA. As others suggested, you could leave some lists or instructions with doctor info, appointments made or needed, bills to pay, etc. If he really does have dementia and doc knows it, your contact should alert them to address his situation.
IF you have financial POA, or are joint on his account, you could still make his payments if he can't manage it. Although I prefer to "push" payments by scheduling them myself, I know many places have auto-payment you can set up. This would ensure most/all of his bills get paid without any work for you or him to do, other than initial set up. Bills can also be sent electronically - you could likely have these sent to your email. I was able to change all the billing addresses to my PO Box for my mother's bills, without using our POA. They weren't even told I had it. Online payment isn't too taxing, so if that can still be done, or at least monitored to be sure he's doing the "job", that should take some worry and concern as well as tasks off your shoulders.
"I will not ask them to help. He is NOT their problem..."
Nope, he isn't their "problem" and given he's not nice to be with, they likely have had no relationship with him. IF there's anything they are willing to do to help YOU, such as just check in with him, to be sure he's okay, then that would be okay.
"How do I force him to get the care he needs?"
That is something we can't do, whether he has dementia or not. No one can force another person to do anything they are refusing. With guardianship, possibly, but he isn't ready for that yet, and you are not really in a good position to take that on. It may come down to an emergency that forces the issue, but we can't anticipate nor should we sit around worrying about it. It won't stop it or change anything other than raise your BP!
If the worst does happen, try not to feel guilt for it. He is not cooperative, and even if you weren't taking these jobs and being unavailable, it would likely happen anyway. We can't be there 24/7 and certainly can't always prevent what might be avoidable. It's even worse when they won't cooperate, but that's NOT your fault!
We have blocked certain family members from being able to contact husband and myself, because their messages to us have been demanding, rude and demeaning. If our loved one in A.L. has an emergency, we can be contacted by a 3rd party. This is working well and peace has been restored in our lives.
Hope this helps a bit.
He is not your job.
I would have a trial period before you leave. Leave him alone let him do as he wants. Do not call him to remind him of appointments.havd it all written on a calendar that he can check for himself. If he fails miserly the may realize that he does need help and will ask for help.tben you can work with him to find home care or assisted living.. then you may cl him weekly to check on him.
I know you say be is mean and difficult but I can tell you love him and are worried. So do your best for him but your responses with is your husband And children.good luck do your best with no regrets.
Does your brother actually forget to take care of himself or does he "expect" you to handle these tasks? If he actually forgets, he will need an evaluation by a doctor to diagnose dementia. If he is diagnosed with dementia, you can then contact APS to take over his care. If he has been leaning on you all these years, show him how to do all the tasks you have been doing. Then, STOP doing these tasks. He probably has some mental health issues but he will need to want to change in order for psychiatric help to make a difference.
You need to stop feeling guilty about leaving. You are taking care of yourself and your family - which are higher priorities than your self-centered brother.
making it easy for him to exploit you. You are doing him no good at all by waiting on him hand and foot. Go about your business and forget about him. He will figure it out on his own, believe me. I have a bipolar narcissist brother in my family. When I finally dropped him on his head, he got treatment and became self sufficient, but unlike your brother, he never asked for help. When he got in enough trouble, someone would call me to get his ox out of the ditch. Now he’s on meds, he’s stable, but I will always wait for the next shoe to drop. You will too...and it will eventually. But in the meantime, live your life for yourself and stop making it worse by treating him like an invalid. What he has probably isn’t dementia. It’s probably just a ruse to get you to do all the work for him. Neglecting your own family to take care of a family member who won’t take care of himself is wrong. I’m sure your husband is pretty tired of the martyr role you are playing by now.
Befire leaving, You might also see if there's some type if meeting he could go to once a week to socialize a little
Not that it changes anything, just clarifying. It is different to be out of state and out of the country.
He was murdered a month later. Don't waste time with guilt. Take care of you ❤
Being an enabler is exhausting and generates bad feelings. You're not jumping in front of a runaway bull to save his life, you're making a choice to be his long-term bodyguard. He is NOT your problem. Each carries his own load, has to answer for their own decisions, as the Scripture says.
Go and take care of your whole self - mental, spiritual, emotional, physical.
This doesn’t mean that you have to continue to help him for your entire lifetime.
Clearly this is taking a toll on you but you do not need to feel guilty about anything.
Perhaps, you feel badly for his situation and that is certainly understandable but guilt should not enter the picture because you haven’t done anything to warrant feeling guilty about.
Be at peace. You deserve it. You have helped but there comes a time when it is equally important to let go.
Trust that he will find the help that he needs when you are no longer available.
But I'll just observe from the info already supplied.
"My older brother, 62 has some form of dementia".
He is in firm denial of that."
**What is his diagnosis?** Can be lack of insight, rather than denial if dementia. Google Anosognosia.
"Says he has a head injury although there is none."
**?? Is this how he understands his problems** Can he explain this? Maybe it IS a brain injury? (Stroke? Accident? Alcohol damage?)
"He is alone."
**There are professional services to help him**
"I have been taking care of bills.....logistical stuff etc for the past 5 years. I have never taken a penny from him. I have done it because I felt I needed to as no one else would".
**This was your choice made at the time.** That is OK!! But also OK to re make a new choice going forward.
I think good communication is what will help here. Clear communication with your brother & his medical team.
I would ask your brother if he wants your ongoing help. If so, tell him you need the FACTS. His actual DX.
If he wants you as POA /MPOA get that done (if not already).
If he cannot or will not, then you cannot preceed. Backup out of caregiving. Hand him over to his medical team instead.
Advice his Doctor in writing of his situation. That you wish to help him but have no legal ability to do so. That he is vulnerable, unable to self-care & needs a social worker & case manager to arrange his care going forward.
How does that sound? Are there barriers to talking to your brother first?
From the enormous avalanche poised to dump the looming mountain of crises down on your head? From the crushing cold weight of fear of not doing it all, obligation to help family & guilt you can't save him?
Oh boy can I relate.
Physically? Don't go so often. Call & visit him at a frequency that suits your life.
Mentally/emotionally? Therapy.
Practically? Be his advocate when he needs.
I'm off for some self-care exercise, powerwalking with upbeat tunes now.
I'll be back. You WILL get out from under this 🤗
I agree, brother should hire someone but he is not going to do it. And for now you can't be his go to person. Your family trumps him. I would look into resources in your County. Office of Aging should be able to help. Maybe put him on APS radar. You could still make his appts from a distance and set up Senior transportation if he doesn't drive.
I don't understand how you got to where you are so I haven't a clue how you might get out of it again.
One of my struggles is that my "love language" is Acts of Service. This can easily translate into enabling and I have a difficult time distinguishing between the 2. You are probably similar. Nonetheless that is now water under the bridge for you as you move on with your lives. You can now lightly "assist" him in replacing what you've been doing for him with other options. He won't like it. Won't won't won't. Nonetheless, you tell him a firm date when you are completely extricated from providing any help. Don't drag it out, make it 30 days which is perfectly reasonable. He is very young for dementia but could have ALZ or something else or maybe he did have a brain injury -- it would be helpful if you provided the details of his symptoms. No matter...if he refuses to go to the doctor, there's nothing to be done. He will try to emotionally blackmail you, manipulate you into continuing on but you must not. Just smile politely and say, "I can't possibly do that" and don't engage in any further arguing or negotiating.
Also, if you are not his durable PoA or legal guardian you won't ever be able to "make" him do anything for his own good. So, there's that. For some problems, there are just no perfect, or even good, solutions. That's just life. There are safety nets for people like him called Social Services and Medicaid. All you can do is warn him of probably outcomes if he doesn't take actions to help himself now. If you do that you should be totally able to go to bed at night with a clear conscience. I don't think what you feel is guilt, but maybe deep concern, fear and sorrow, which is understandable for a sibling you care about. May you gain much wisdom and clarity and have peace in your heart as you make your own family your priority.
Clarification - mainly for those who are new or who haven't gotten to this point yet: POA does NOT give anyone the ability to "make" anyone do something they don't want to do, like move, per our EC atty. POA only gives you ability to "act" in their stead for financial and medical issues.
My mother was refusing to consider moving anywhere. Despite having done up POAs many years prior, the atty told me we could NOT force her to move and suggested guardianship. Certainly we would not have "forced" her, aka take her kicking and screaming. I also don't believe her dementia was far enough along to be granted guardianship (but was not an option anyway because facility chosen wouldn't accept a committal.) However, it was not being safe for her to remain in her place alone. There are ways to get some agreement (fibs worked with her!) Even staff in MC told me they weren't allowed to force anything on residents, but rather had to try, coax, whatever worked to get compliance.
You are a person with limitations and you just bumped up against them.
The other G word you might try is grief. Grief for your brother and his life and where it has led. He is only 62. Without a diagnosis you cannot know if he truly has dementia. If so he will need to go into care as it is early onset. That is something you will never get him to do. A fight for guardianship will likely see you losing, and if you WIN, then what?
It is time now for him to take care of himself as he likely has another 3 decades of life left. He may have dementia; he may have mental illness. But he is unwilling to seek care. Are you willing to sacrifice yourself and your family for another 30 years? I certainly hope not.
If he isn't doing OK, and this is reported to you by family remaining in the area (you are correct not to involve them in his care) them report him as an adult in danger to your local APS. He may need the guardianship of the state.
I cared for my wonderful brother in his last years to the extent I did POA and Trustee of Trust for him, and supported him in all ways I could, but as I said, cooperative and wonderful to the inth degree his entire life.
I think you need to move on with your life. If your brother needs help then there is the entire state to help him with his ongoing problems.
You have enabled him to call on your to the extent he is monopolizing your time on the phone. This doesn't help HIM and it doesn't help YOU. It is time to gently explain to him the facts of life now. Turn your phone off after being certain your bro knows how to dial 911 in an emergency. Tell him you will check in with him in a.m. or p.m. but as far as HELP, that now is something he must negotiate on his own.
As Beatty here always says "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are the solution."
You have your own family to have to worry about, it's really not fair that you have to adjust your life around his. He's going to have to figure out(for himself)what if any additional care he's going to need while you're out of the state. And honestly I think that will actually be a Godsend you being away, as it will force him to be open to other options for his care.
And as far as him calling all the time, please quit answering. Let his calls go to voicemail, and then you can decide whether or not to respond. He needs to find a life outside of you, as you have your own life to live. You've got nothing to feel guilty about, because you are doing nothing wrong. It's time your brother grows up and starts taking responsibility for his own life. Best wishes on your new job.
Is your brother still in a relationship with his child’s mother? If so, is your relationship with him actually penalizing him from forming a more mutually supportive relationship with her?
”Guilt” literally means having an assumption that you have given yourself an unwanted assignment to help someone who doesn’t want or acknowledge your help, then placing pain on yourself for not doing what you know is fair and right.
Often we write the truth when we post here, but are not fully aware ourselves of what we’ve said. “How is he my problem?” But did he MAKE you assume responsibility for him, or did you do that yourself.
Forgive him for his inadequacies, then forgive yourself for making his problem yours. Then put the guilt where it should be, part of your past. Then, LEAVE IT BEHIND.