His parents have traveled the world and were snowbirds for seven years. They were not caretakers of their own parents. Now they are elderly and call my husband over several times a week for assistance, mostly with banking and technology problems. Sometimes I feel he is summoned over for the most simple tasks just for the company. We are also their only source of entertainment/socialization. He happily does and calls his mom everyday. We plan outings and take them out to eat. They come over to our house and just hang out while he works from home.
He has asked me to retire or cut my clientele in half so that we can travel. I have agreed but feel he is creating a unnecessary level of dependency both practically and socially to allow travel. When I try to talk to him about encouraging independence as long as possible, he gets very defensive and I come off looking like the selfish bad guy. He is the only child available to provide care.
When either of us bring up travel, his mom gets very uncomfortable and begins asking how long we’ll be gone.
Do I just need to be supportive and sacrifice the life they were able to enjoy at our age?
Where are your H's siblings?
You do know that your H doesn't have to be available to provide care, either, right? Is part of the plan that you retire so that you can help him provide an increasing amount of care to his parents?
It's actually very selfish of his parents to think otherwise.
Until you and your husband are on the same page I would certainly not retire or cut your clientele in half, only to find yourself now at his parents beck and call as well.
Time for an honest, heart to heart talk with your husband and be open about your concerns. They are valid, and are not selfish. It's his parents who are selfish and perhaps even your husband if he's willing to put them before you and your future together as husband and wife.
I wish you the very best in getting hubby on the same page.
Be very careful. You're already providing a level of socialization and entertainment that they could provide for themselves. Why don't they? Probably because husband is always ready, they know he'll satisfy their every need. This will get worse.
You could have an honest conversation with the parents and tell them that more travel is in your future. "But what will WE do?" they will say. And you say that maybe they'd enjoy life in a retirement community to fill the gap that you're no longer able to fill for them. Frankly, I don't see why they'd be happy hanging out at your house so often. Or why they wouldn't want to have friends their own age to have fun with.
It isn't selfish to want the best for yourself. If you wait for parents to die before you travel, you may never go. They could outlive you! Or you could be too sick to go - it only takes a heart attack or a stroke to stop ease of travel.
I tried to get her involved with the senior center - no interest. At the rehab she doesn't want to socialize (I can kind of understand why - she is one of the few who has her faculties).
I talked to my husband as he has the same opinion as you that our lives should not revolve around my mom - I TOTALLY AGREE! We decided if we want to travel we will find a temporary place for mom to go or have someone stay with her while we are away. You MUST have time for yourselves.
The other side of the coin that I see is that my mom is almost 88 and I am aware that her time with us is finite. I try to balance it with 'me' and 'us' time... when she comes home it will be more difficult. I sympathize with your hubby as I feel the same sort of 'guilt' if I am not there all the time - but I also know it's not 'good' for me to be on call all the time,
You are NOT wrong at all in your opinion and you can be supportive while also voicing your thoughts. If you sacrifice without having yourself heard you will grow resentful. There are always compromises and ways around things - sometimes you need to get creative.
I’m fairly sure there won’t be a win-win here, but to other readers, let this be a cautionary tale: start heading off any clinging parental behavior EARLY ON (like, maybe, the minute you get married!) Don’t start doing things you don’t want to do, period. Deflect. Go Gray Wall. Learn to say, “Sorry, can’t do that!”
#2 You take time off for trip.
#3 You inform parents of departure and return dates. Tell, don’t ask. Minimize discussion.
#4 Together you leave on trip.
#5 Observe parental fallout. When you return, how did they manage?
If you do not take the trip because of them, then surely he will have to acknowledge the problem. Big, ugly talk needed.
Ever ask them how their own parents coped while they were gallivanting about?
One insight I could share if that benefit you somehow too. I’ve noticed some parents out there would shower a child with money, food, gifts that been taking care of them closely than other siblings with hidden hope to hold their valuation. Eventually things become “normal” to point where living-in residency become so comforting but they didn’t realize the blockage have fallen on the child with creating his/her own future. In your case; he’s already your husband and I hope he prioritize you not them. They had their own life and birthed your husband to give him a life of his own. It all goes forward onwards not backwards. His parents are capable enough to figure things out.
Time is our #1 valuation.
Married to a loving, dedicated to family guy. A great guy.
You married him - not his parents. Four in a marriage is way too crowded.
The loving family, yet enmeshed, parents becoming needier with aging. This happens. Just wait until real illness strikes too! He moves them in without your say.. or goes to be their live-in man-servant.
Occasionally I get whiffs of this cake being prepared... you have that cake already cooked, decorated & plated up! Served daily. Forever. Or..
Marriage counselling. Stat.
Husbands sometimes need a third party to explain the facts of life. That choosing parents over wife = a single man.
You got married, so you married into a family that has problems that can be managed. It's up to you to set your rules.
I remained single, mostly because of my own disability problems. I may have to live alone, but I do not have to get into trouble dealing with in-laws.
You asked and I like to give honest answers. Sometimes in life you have certain seasons--for example the Wedding Season (all your friends are getting married) the Graduation Season (earning a Master's) the explore your horizons season (this ski resort, travel to Europe off season.)
Right now my Season is the caregiving Season. I hate the word caregiver but that's what it's called nowadays--back in the day (prior to Mom's decline) my life was literally like the Great Gatsby. My biggest decision was, "what should I wear this weekend?" Did they already see that dress on me.
Not a restaurant in town I haven't been to nor a ski trail up North I haven't skied cross-country on.
Bottom line--your parents/in-laws become dependent on you. I know it's hard but I read something so profound. "When caregiving you oftentimes have to say "No" to the things you would like to do and "Yes" to to the things you know deep inside you must do." That's where I'm at.
The deep inside part is different for everyone. I was raised "Honor thy Mother and Father" so that you live a long life. You don't have to give up your life but let them now you are by their side til the end. That can be services brought in, a one day a week morning respite, Church people sitting with Mom and Dad, etc.
I don't want my mother begging me for help. Mom has Lewy Body Dementia, I work from home, I cut coupons for everything. Every facility in the State is short-staffed, underpaid and overworked.
I don't want to dress this up. But it's like caring for a baby. Sometimes you can't find that "balance" because the situation at hand is so serious.
But I also bring in services, put $$$ in my pension, study the health insurance coverage so I know what is available. An only child is difficult as was my late dad. He passed before his mother--I, too, stepped to the plate and took over to care for Nana. I would do it again in a heartbeat. It matured me...I learned more from that experience than I did in my years' of Graduate School--as I was a Grad Student at that time.
Some of you on this forum may not like this, my response. My mother worked like a dog raising children, my father a good provider. It's time for me to wait on and serve my mother. Proverbs: In your mother's old age, show her your appreciation.
Also. If you retire or cut your clientele in half, is your husband going to be able to leave his parents long enough to take a trip? Is he going to allow their clinginess to make him - and you - miserable during a trip and be in a hurry to get back home?
My freedom to take trips without guilt came to a screeching halt the month after my father died back in 2004. My children at that time were 9 and 11 and we had a one week beach trip planned and paid for, which we took. However, even with my brother nearby and available to her, my mother carried on every day on the phone with me, making it difficult to enjoy my vacation. Ugh. And it's only increased from there.
Over the coming years, the needs and clinginess of the parents is only going to increase. Right now, they have each other but one of them will inevitably predecease the other one and then your husband will be confronted with another big decision and increased caregiving. That's just how it goes.
This is what I did with my parents. Made no bones about the fact there would be no living together or hands on care by me as they aged and got sicker, and there wasn't. Which is not to say there wasn't a LOT OF WORK on my part on their behalf, bc there sure was.....but dh and I were not indentured servants and we traveled quite a bit during their stay in AL.
There is nothing "selfish" about creating separate lives for separate couples. In fact, it's liberating and helps preserve BOTH relationships when sons and daughters don't turn into resentful caregivers but happy visitors bringing gifts to their folks in AL.
Best of luck to you.
Set up a weekly dinner with them. Bring it over or take them out. Make the time to help with their little problems either before or after. Lots of hugs and see you next week. Daily phone calls to check in are fine, but daily visits mean they are no longer able to be independent. It may be time to look for a change of living arrangements for his parents, and NOT into your home.
Loving AND common sense.
You may have to put your foot down and tell him "its your mother or me."
Stand up to him. Tell him what you want. Do not be afraid.
Do not give in to him.
This could be your pattern for years and it is time to stop and consider yourself and your own needs.
Apparently his family has financial means to hire care givers / socialization people. Do it. Insist that he does it. Let the in-laws 'kick and scream.' They will. They are 'spoiled' ... to use an old phrase.
And stop going out for lunch with them. Let him do that.
You go and get a massage and have lunch and cocktails with your gal friends...
Things need to change now ... before their needs get more demanding.
Otherwise, your husband will be over there all the time...
The in-laws may / will be with you in your home all the time ...
It is time you stand up for yourself and tell your husband in a 'heart to heart' that you want an equal partnership with him. He needs to get his priorities straight. You are his priority. Do not quit or lessen your work hours if he doesn't agree to do the same. Equal partnership.
Is he afraid of losing an inheritence? (sp?)
Most people who use the word selfish feels unworthy and lack confidence.
Learn to know your value as a human being. Take the word selfish out of your vocabulary. Change it to self-esteem ... self-worth ... self-care. It is never too late.
Gena / Touch Matters