I resent being the sole caregiver for my grandparents. How do I get past the resentment I feel toward the rest of my family?

This is what I wrote in July 2022:

"Tell grandma she's going to need to manage on her own for 2 weeks because you are needing to take a break.

Tell her that you are going to spend this time considering whether you want to continue this job. In the meantime, she will need to make other arrangements.

This is not said in anger, it's just the facts. If she becomes abusive, hang up.

I only volunteer my time for folks who treat me with respect and kindness. I strongly encourage you to do the same.

You have 3 young children. You are their only resource. Grma and grandpa can hire help. Your kids can't."

THIS is how you stop feeling resentment.

I am also a solo caregiver with a brother who does not participate in caregiving.

I am also tired. It's a 24/7/365 job and friends to suggest that I "just need a vacation" have no clue how ridiculous that idea is. Of course I need a vacation. Suggesting the impossible is not helpful.

All that said, I see at least two different things happening in your story:
1. Your family doesn't help.
2. Your current situation is abusivr and unsustainable.
I'm not sure it is clear to your that these two things are separate and can / should be addressed separately.

To your question of how not to be resentful:
1. Recognize this is your choice.
2. Recognize that they may actually be most helpful by staying out of the picture. People are often unhelpful. More involvement is not always better. The best thing my brother can do is stay out of the situation so that I can care for my mom without his interference, judgement, or critique.

To the other issues of how you are coping with the responsibilities of caregiving:
1. You need to stop deflecting the struggles you are having onto the fact that your family doesn't help. The deflection away from the struggle is wasted energy and won't help you fix the problems.
2. Once you acknowledge that this is your choice and your solution, feel the empowerment to build the skills! Explore the options that range from ending your caregiving entirely to working with doctors to get appropriate help (possibly placement) for the possible disease processes you may be seeing in your grandparents, to in home help or day care placement, and a wide range of self-care skills.

Ideally, you let go of the fantasy that family will help and start getting down to the task of taking care of yourself while you care for your grandparents.
I wish you luck on your journey.

Too many of us ( and mostly women) have been pushed into this corner. It took me awhile but I learned to 1. evaluate just how much I can do & stick to it 2. hire the rest & have the bills sent elsewhere. 3. Hardest of all: ignore the criticisms of those who won’t step up.
You will be a good caregiver only when you take appropriate care of yourself! Good luck!

First of all when your grandmother starts getting mouthy and mean with her criticisms of you, ask her where her wonderful, legendary daughter is and why she isn't doing for her.
I will give you a bit of a caregiving lesson that I've learned over 25 years of service in this field.
When a senior brat starts getting mouthy, snide, mean, or critical of the person who's actually doing for them, they need to be cut down straight away. Don't yell or scream at them. Don't cry or give them a fight (they usually want that). In fact, don't even raise your voice.
Get right in her face and tell her the following:

'Shut the hell up. Nobody cares what you think. If anyone did they would be here helping and doing for you. They are not. I am'.

When your grandparents are singing the praises of their children and grandchildren tell them that you've already been the audience to that show and don't care to see or hear it again. Then tell them to give one of their kids or grandkids a call the next time they need something.
I truly hope for your childrens' sake as well as your own that you do not live with them. That they did not strike up a bargain with you that you and your kids move in and live for free in exchange for you just helping them out a little bit here and there.
My friend, I hope this is not what your situation is. If it is, then you made a deal with the Devil. It will be next to impossible to get yourself and your kids into a different situation.
Where is your childrens' father or fathers? I ask because I don't know you. Are you married? Is their financial support for you and the kids? When there is, it will be a lot easier to walk away. You need to walk away.
Your kids are also suffering from your grandparents' abusive neediness. Their mother is being used up by these senior brats and their bottomless pit of neediness.
Your children are more important than your grandparents. You are more than them too. This is why you have to go. Whatever deal was made for you to be their caregiver must be reneged on.


When your grandmother is acting up, you completely ignore her for as long as is safe to do so. Pay her no attention whatsoever and I mean nothing.

You are a young person. Too young to be living the miserable drudgery of caring for elderly family members.
Stop doing this. Bring in homecare. Put grandma rightly in her place when she's acting up. Then you start looking for a job.

Unfortunately, they aren’t going to change so you must in order to save yourself. If you live with them then you need to move out, or they need to be placed in a nursing home. Your family is betting on the fact that you won’t leave and will just carry on as planned. They are willing to put up with the “complaining” as long as they still get their free pass to do nothing. You need tell them that if they don’t start helping, you are walking away and calling social services to report vulnerable seniors living alone. It’s harsh, it’s unpleasant, but you have to save yourself.

We can't change other people, you can only change ourselves. You are the one placing this burden on yourself and you are the only one who can change the dynamic. If you were "hit by a bus" tomorrow your grandparents wouldn't die they'd come up with other solutions, so stop telling yourself that stepping back and putting at least some of your own needs first. If you need time for yourself or an extra set of hands for a task it's up to you to say sorry, I can't do that... you don't need to beg or cajole or offer excuses, you just need to be unavailable. A wise person on the forum like to say that you can't be a doormat if you won't lie down!!

And... I do hope you are being paid for every little extra thing you do. Hired care is almost always more expensive that paying a family member, and a little financial recompense can help you feel more valued and less resentful. It's all part of setting boundaries and prioritizing self care, if they won't pony up then they'll just have to do without, or hire someone else.

Don't take on this caregiving task if you resent it.

Drop it like a hot potato; tell your grandparents that you are resigning and that they will need to make other arrangements.

"I don’t know how to get over this resentment."

you are fully justified to feel resentment (i validate you). and it's totally wrong that YOU alone care for your grandparents -- and in addition, others (who don't help at all) are put on a PEDESTAL.

hugggg.
it seems to be verrrry common.
the non-helpers are loved dearly, while the helper is blamed, criticized by the elderly LO.

you are not alone. i think there are millions of caregivers in this situation.

the thing is, your resentment it totally justified. don't try to kill your resentment. it'll re-surface because it's JUSTIFIED. it would be insane not to stand up for yourself. and it's INSANE others in your family aren't standing up for you (insane, and very, very typical). are the non-helpers helping to find solutions, so that you can be free? of course not. are they looking at facilities, are they doing anything, to help free you up? of course not.

solution?
no one will help you. you must be your own hero, and save your life. find freedom.

let me guess? you're a girl?
of course.
1 of billions of girls whose lives have been, and are being sacrificed, while others go play outside.

What changes have you made since you last posted in July? Any? And if not, why not?
And in your posts you make it sound like you're taking care of 2 households, yet in your profile you say that your grandmother lives with you. Which is it? Not that it really matters as you just need to bow out of this caregiver situation as you say your sobriety is on the line, and you MUST make your sobriety a priority if not for yourself then for your children, and your grandparents or grandmother will have to make other arrangements.
No one can force you to do what you're doing. So why are you really doing it? What are you getting out of it besides lots of stress? Because you're a single mom are you living with them for free with the understanding that you'll take care of them?
I don't think we're getting the whole story here, but bottom line it's time for you to step away and start taking care of yourself and your children.
If need be you can call APS and report 2 or 1(I'm not really clear)vulnerable adults after you leave and they will take it from there.
You were strong enough to stop drinking or using drugs, and now it's time to be strong enough to just say NO to taking care of your grandparents. Because when you do, someone else will have no choice but to step up, and even if they don't, the state will step up and take over their care.
You're stronger than you know and you can do this!!!

Just leave. Send the family emails and texts and don't let them convince you other wise and say i'm done. Leave them directions of what you were doing and say its your turn i have done my time. You were not bred and raised for this to be your life. The resentment i don't know if it goes away. I have refused to talk to either of my siblings and even my parents who sided with them that i was to be the sole caregiver because i was single and childless. Yeah, NO. It turned my life upside down and my health is now 50 percent worse because of the driving i had to do and the stress of dealing with their insanity. I begged for help and they both refused and this is something i just can't seem to get passed. Why would they just let me suffer alone when my parents were their parents too and both received so much more than i did growing up and as we aged especially financially. It is greed and selfishness something i never had but quickly learned from watching tiktoks and reading here what other people went through and i thought i am not a dirty mat at the front door that they will just wipe their dog doo doo on before they go into see my parents and act like the golden children have arrived and be celebrated when they did nothing for them. So you can decide to waste a portion of your life now and you are not getting any younger or you can pick up and live for yourself and forget about what your family has put you through and go out and live. I decided i wanted to be the golden child that came at holidays and everyone lighted up and gave me gifts and begged me to take their money but now because i have taken a step back it seems i was never meant for the position ever. They saw me as a maid, a nurse, and someone to wipe their a**. So be it. They can hire someone to do that. The resentment i believe will take a long time to get over. I hope i can move forward soon because i don't want to live with this much anger toward such losers that wasted my time and parts of my life i will never get back.