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All of our family live out of state. I (and he) want to stay in our home, but I have had to leave my job to take care of him. He has a feeding tube in place and has to be fed 4 times a day, and his meds have to be crushed and put in the feeding tube.


I love my husband very much, but I am getting burned out with all the doctor appointments and financial burdens. The kids are not financially able to help. Please advise.

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Reply to JoAnn29
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OP said in a reply “I have applied for Medicad and he has been approved but I'm being told that I need to wait for a letter in the mail and a phone call and I should have everything by the 24th of this month if not to call them again.”

Given that today is March 16, that’s now 8 days away. I Hope you will call facilities in your area and explain your husband has been approved and you need him to be placed as soon as possible.

I honestly can’t imagine trying to care for anyone at home who is on a feeding tube, at least not without significant support from professionals.

I don’t think your children should take on any financial support but I hope you do get emotional as well as practical support from somewhere — friends, family, and/or professional counseling. What you are going through sounds so hard and stressful. Wishing you the best.
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Reply to Suzy23
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Oh, no! Your husband should go to an NH so you can return to work. Think about your own future retirement to save up for. Stop paying his expenses and have him on Medicaid if his resources run out. His expenses are Not Yours.
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Reply to Patathome01
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Dea811945la: I am glad that you've applied for Medicaid.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Step one - apply for medicaid - if you haven't already. Talk with the case manager about being paid for the work you do, and/or hire some help.

That will help to alleviate your financial burden.

Step two - find a primary care provider who comes to the home. They can bring almost all the services to you. Ask the insurance provider for help finding a contracted service provider.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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MargaretMcKen Mar 14, 2025
In-home care is 1:1, rather than a team of carers spread over more people. Basically It costs more, but different states and different insurances may provide all or part of the cost. The rules also vary locally about whether the care can be provided by a family member. Try to find out what subsidy options or special programs are available to you where you are. If there are none that provide enough help, a facility may be your only option.
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If you get your job back, check into the PACE program. It is paid by Medicare. If he gets disability it will take up to $1500 and he will be in a nursing facility with all doctors appointments there during the day M-F and will be at home on nights and weekends. I was considering it, but my husband got violent and I can't handle him at night or weekends by myself. Google PACE or Senior TLC in your state and it should give you contact information.
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Reply to mlwilson19
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Is there a possibility to get a job you could do at home, even if only parttime?
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Reply to Jacquelinezr
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Husband needs to go to fulltime care
you can visit and your visits will prob be more positive
we aren’t living in an ideal world where everyone gets their wishes - remain at home etc
life’s just not that simple ..
look at what options are available to you and then update you need to go back out to work but you haven’t abandoned him
he needs full time care which the nurses are helping with
try not to wait until you have complete burn out and financial ruin
best to you
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Reply to Jenny10
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Caregiving your spouse adds an additional layer of hardship as our dreams of the future are lost. I’m 4 years in and have never felt such sadness. Please accept that your kids are within their right to not assume caregiving roles. I would never inflict this on our daughter. Would it be nice? Sure but I understand their boundaries.

Is it possible to get your job back? Office of the aging may offer resources to find part time support so you can escape to the real world a few hours a week. Considering the frequency of a feeding tube and meds, extra hands are in order. A staff manages this workload level. I gently suggest looking into placement options as well. Your health and peace of mind matter too.

Caregiving a spouse is like quicksand and will drown you if you let it.
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Reply to JeanLouise
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Staying home with loved ones who provide care, nurture, and support if always the goal. However, the reality is that it doesn't always work this way. You truly have 2 options:
1 - Move closer to family who can provide support. Make sure you have firm agreements on who will help on which days and will do ______ type of care.
2 - Help your loved one to move into skilled nursing facility. His level of care indicates that skilled nursing is most likely the appropriate level of care. Ask his doctor for assistance.
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Reply to Taarna
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JeanLouise Mar 14, 2025
Expecting family to step in is unfair to them.
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My husband will be 80 in August.

Thank you for the support and help. I have the POA for him. I have applied for Medicad and he has been approved but I'm being told that I need to wait for a letter in the mail and a phone call and I should have everything by the 24th of this month if not to call them again. He fell in August and was hospitalized had surgery was in the hospital for a month and then in rehab for a month then released home without anything. Had PT,OT, ST etc for 3 weeks then it stopped and was sent out to all. I also applied for long term care. I need to find a place for him close by Wellington. Thank you for all the support and questions.
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Reply to Dea811945la
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We all if we had our druthers would love to stay in our homes, but often life just doesn't work out that way, and changes must be made for the best of all involved.
And what may be best now is placing your husband in the appropriate facility where he will be taken care of 24/7 and where you can go back to work and get back to just being his loving wife and advocate and not his burned out and financially strapped caregiver.
And if money is an issue you can apply for Medicaid and see an elder law attorney to work out the details with the finances.
Our children should NEVER have to use their own money to help support us as they will need their own money for when they get older.
I am sorry that you're having to deal with all of this with your husband, but it now must come down to what is best for all involved, and yes, that includes you.
Best wishes in making wise choices going forward.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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How old is your husband?

You could see if you can get help thru Medicaid. Its income based. Thevother choice, is placing him in a nice Longterm care facility with Medicaid paying. Before you do that, it's wise to see an Elder Lawyer about having your assets split. You don't want Medicaid including your SS, IRAs, pension or 401ks as his income. You want to protect whats yours.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I cannot see an option here other than to have placement. Can you?
I hope you will tell us more about hubby. You mention he has to have a tube for feeding. Now that is the case for some who are competent in their minds and able to manage their own feedings and medications.
I think there's clearly more here. That would help us understand how sustainable this might be.
Your children should never put their own funds into the care of parents. It takes an entire lifetime of savings, good jobs, coupon clipping to be set to sustain yourself in age. They cannot afford now to support to in that manner, though it could be hoped they might help in other ways.

Do write us about your and your husband's age. What assets you do or don't have to help with care. How much you have to work. And your husband's overall condition so we might give you a few more ideas.

I am so sorry for all you're going through.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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When my husband needed 24 hour care, I was very clear with him that I was glad to provide it as long as it was safe for both of us and our health wasn’t unduly compromised(physical or mental). We were very fortunate that I was able to take care of him by myself for over a year, but it was getting close. My first step would have been to hire private caregivers followed by seeking placement in a care home nearby. It’s heartbreaking, but if your physical and mental health decline you won’t be able to be there for him at all.

It sounds like you may not be able to afford private caregivers—people on this forum are very knowledgeable about the next step of finding long term care. I know one of the first questions asked is if he is a veteran and might qualify for services. As for your children, they need to be saving for their own futures so I’m glad they are not attempting to support you financially, cold as that may sound. I wish you well, it’s a terrible position to be in. Please keep coming here for support.
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Reply to MidwestOT
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