I used to be able to leave to go pick up some groceries, etc., but it has become more concerning the last year or so because he is forgetting to follow through with turning off things after use, such as the disposal and the water. His cognitive ability has dipped and I am seeing many more repeated questions, blaming others, very negative on any subject, doesn't think he needs a "babysitter" when I need a break... In other words, I find myself feeling burned out more than ever.
I have children, but I don't think they want any of this. One was treated badly and won't do anything for him. He is so rude to her and her husband for no reason.
At what point or what does it take for him to be placed in some sort of care? I have always been there for him, but he always let me remain ill, even when I needed the hospital. Case in point, I suffered an appendicitus and gallbladder attack. He said just lay down and I would feel better in a couple hours. I was told later I could have died.
Well, I would like to know what a doctor looks for when they decide it is time for placement, caregivers, etc. I understand sometimes caregivers die before their wards... I can see why.
Speak to his doctor about signing the papers for him to get into care. When you get your breaks, start visiting places to see what will be a good fit and ask the marketers for that paperwork. They will be helpful on how to get him moved.
I find that most families realize that their loved one needs full time residential care when:
1 = Care becomes 24/7/365.
2 = When the caregiver can not get a full night's rest most nights of the week.
3= When the caregiver's health needs must be addressed.
4=When the one cared for becomes anxious, agitated, and aggressive or violent.
In short, when it is too difficult to keep the person safe and healthy at home.
and yes, on my second ever gall bladder attack, I had pancreatitis which is life threatening. I needed emergency surgery.
Someone with a dying brain doesn’t understand what he is saying when he says go lie down. It’s up to you to make decisions in your best interest.
The next time he becomes violent, call 911. Also sexual coercion is abuse.
When it becomes dangerous for either of you to have him at home.. It is time
When you become so burntout and stressed caring for him..It is time.
You can hire caregivers that will come in and help out.
Is there an Adult Day Program in your area? I have to tell you that the time my Husband was in an Adult Day Program was a blessing for me. I was able to get things done knowing he was safe.
Making the decision to place someone in a facility that meets their care needs is never an easy one.
It is not a "failure" on your part it simply means that his care needs are more than you can manage at home.
Begin the process of looking for a facility.
Find out what is needed for him to become a resident.
If he is on Medicaid the wait may be long so put him on as many lists as possible. You can always delay and have them put you back on the list if you are not ready when they have an opening. If he is not on Medicaid but that is a possibility later on select a place that will retain him if you have to apply for Medicaid. many places do not accept Medicaid and you don't want to have to move him.
Many places also want you to be "private pay" for a period of time (sometimes 2 years) before Medicaid process.
Also, next time he is in the hospital you can always tell the social worker that home is not a safe place for him and he needs to be put in a facility or group home.
I agree you should go see an elder attorney - it will be the best money you have spent. I did a consult first - for a fee - then when I had the papers made up that was another fee - but well worth the information and the safe guards that can be put in place. ALZ is not fun I watched my daddy and to see this man go from knowing to not knowing kills me even today. Know that as I have finished this I send a cyber ((hug)) and a prayer has been said for you!
You will,, of course, not depend upon the input of the demented, husband or not, for your own medical care.
Should you require hospitalization call an ambulance and if you feel hubby unsafe at home let them know so they can get APS in to transport him, likely to your own hospital while you are in care.
None of us can know how bad your husband's condition is. Only the doctor can help you assess that. We are just a bunch of folk on a Forum who never met either of him. If you feel he can do some damage to the home or wander away, then he is no longer safe alone. That is for you to assess and I can only wish you good luck.
When caregiving is affecting your health and your loved ones care is just too much, it's time to place them.
40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia will die before the one they're caring for from stress related issues. PLEASE don't be in that 40%.
You've done all you can do and now it's time to allow others to take over your husbands care, so you can get back to just being his wife and advocate and not his burned out overwhelmed caregiver. So start your search now.
I wish you the very best in finding the right memory care for your husband.