How should I handle my husband wanting to move his mother in with us?

It's so hard when the parent is used to living with you and your family. It's his or her family as well. His or her siblings are probably older as well and may be in similar situations as your parent. I for one would never put myself in the position I'm in again. My 79 year old mom is here. MCI with amnesiac features. I think we have progressed to Alzheimer's. But I don't know. Her dr told me she saw a decline. When I asked directly is it Alzheimer's. She said I don't know. I think she thinks it dementia. Why is aricept prescribed if not. Any way , a year ago my mom worked and drove. Now she sits all day and watches news a year ago I was constantly looking up stages of Alzheimer's. I don't any more. I think it is Alzheimer's. I had to comprehend that this a terminal disease and adjust my mind set. I wish she was in an assisted living unit. Because I'm basically providing the duties of a unit. I think she ll be in one soon. Her brother now sees it. Same one who told me he would do all he could to prevent placement. Ok. Thanks. He spent 2 days here while we visited my mother in law in other state. Said he couldn't wait to leave. Gives me his blessings. Like I need them ,? But it helps to have affirmation

What has your SIL said about her mother's care? I'm just wondering if perhaps SIL has already recognised that it's time to start looking at good facilities, and your husband can't believe it's come to that.

Anna, read the link below, and copy it off for your husband to read. Also read the over 300 comments where grown children had replied. Hopefully this might make hubby change his mind.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/living-with-elderly-parents-do-you-regret-the-decision-133798.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/caregiver-burnout

https://www.agingcare.com/alzheimers-dementia

Divorce is a pretty drastic solution, but if your husband insists on trying this, I do think you should get some couples counseling before MIL moves in.

As a wife, I think you should do what is best for your marriage.

I don't know exactly what you consider your Christian duties to be, but I would think it also involves balancing everybody's needs. (Unless you think martyrdom is a good goal.)

We supported my mom in her apartment as long as she could get by with some outside help. Then she moved in with my sister and bil. That lasted 14 months. The dementia continued to worsen (as it always does) and she also had mobility issues, and we moved her into a nursing home that was reasonably close to 2 of my sisters. That year in sister's home was a wonderful transition for mother, between her apartment and a facility. The rest of us are very grateful that she could live with a daughter. But when her needs exceeded that, we didn't even consider "well now she should go live with someone else." That would have been crazy. Our mom needed around-the-clock supervision. We saw it as our duty to see that she got that. After an initial adjustment period, she was very content in the nursing home.

A typical progression for someone with dementia is 1) living with in-home care. 2) assisted living and 3) a higher level of care such as a nursing home.

For us, Mom living with my sis and bil served the function of assisted living.

I suspect that living with you sil was your mil's equivalent of assisted living. Now it is time for a higher level of care, not just a new setting for assisted living.

I agree with all the above. This is too much for you. Discuss it with your dh, and explain to him that mil will only get worse and need round the clock care which you or he cannot provide. It is already too much for one woman - sil. Review options with him - there are other alternatives. Good luck.

Tell your husband that if he moves his mother with the both of you, he will bear sole responsibility to care for her, not you. Make sure that he knows that there is no room for negotiation. I agree with the others, how was he when you were sick? How did he treat you? If he didn't treat you well, he won't treat her well. If he still intents for her to move in with the both of you and you take care of her, pack your bags and leave. File for divorce.

Of course it is becoming too much for your SIL. But the fact that your husband wants to move MIL in with you probably means that since she is now too much for one person (SIL), he intends for TWO people (you and him) to take care of her.

Do you want to do this? Do you know what is involved in taking care of an elder with these issues?

As often happens, it's the wife who ends up doing most of the care for the MIL. Again, do you want to do this?

What are the financial considerations? Is this a case of  "no facility ever for Mama"? Does MIL have the resources to pay for a facility? 

Jeanne is absolutely hubby needs to experience 24 hour care in Sis's home. I would suggest a week but doubt he will last that long.

You may be a Christian and love your husband but you have recently experienced some health problems how did he treat you while you were ill? That will give you a very good idea of how much responsibility he will take for his mother after the first week she moves in. If you have children did he ever get up at 3am to feed the baby? I could go on but it's pointless you are intelligent enough to work it out for yourself. Don't do it and don't make Sis continue.

Sister is struggling. People who care for those with dementia struggle. Sometimes it is manageable and rewarding. Often it leads to health problems and unhappiness for the caregivers. Dementia progresses. It gets worse. Always. This is not only difficult in the tasks that must be performed, but it is heartbreaking to see someone declining without being able to stop that.

I agree with Katiekate that your husband needs to have a heart-to-heart conversation with his sister and learn what her struggles are. If it can possibly be arranged, he should stay with Mom for several days in his sister's home while Sis takes a short break. People who haven't seen it up close and personal really can't comprehend what taking care of someone with dementia is like.

Explain to your husband that the burden of her care will fail on him...not you. Is he really prepared to go with sleepless nights because Mom keeps waking him up? Is he really prepared to clean up adult diapers and the mess these patients create? Is he really prepared to have his life dedicated to 24/7 care?

He and his sister need to talk about putting Mom in a facility where she can get the care she needs. He should have a serious talk with Sis about the reality of what 24/7 care is all about.    This is going to keep getting worse.  Mom is not going to get better.  
SIs is becoming burnt out...do not let your husband now do it to you. If he is volunteering....then you make sure he is volunteering HIMSELF not you