Sorry if this is too long or rambly -- it feels like most of the details are relevant so its hard for me to summarize and may not be ideally organized. I appreciate if you actually have the time to read the whole thing. Basically my mother has usually been doing a pretty good job of taking care of my dad with dementia full time for the last few years. The only part that is not good is that she is sometimes verbally abusive because she has depression/mood problems and when he is confused or can't move properly she flips out and yells at him. She also tends to rage out and yell at me or anyone else if she gets much criticism or feels defensive. When she is not in a rage she is a pretty nice person though. Unfortunately I have "inherited" somehow the anger/flipping out problem and sometimes flip out at her or recently my brother. This is a big problem for me in general but also makes the situation with her more difficult. The issue that brought on my verbal abuse towards my brother was about a sliding barn-style door for the bathroom which we need now that we have toilet rails, because my dad's rollerator doesn't fit right with those rails there. So he said he was going to buy some about a week ago, but when I asked about it he said he had to wait for his bonus check to come in. This unfortunately initiated a rage/flip-out/cuss-out from me because my brother just bought a new custom-built house and replaced his second car and was in the conversation earlier discussing how he had almost gone to put down his wife's dog to prevent suffering. I was very angry because the door and sliding kit he was discussing cost about the same as the amount he had already budgeted to put down the dog, yet the door would have to wait for a budget check, even though I had explained that there was a safety issue. Taking the rails away is not a good option either because without the rail handles he cannot get up without being hauled off the toilet and it is extremely hard for me or my mother to do that and she will not be able to do that on a daily basis. It seems unfair for him not to help our dad more since he has in the past paid for nursing care for his wife's mother and also the main design feature of their new home is a second master bedroom for his mother-in-law even though she is actually perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Since my mother was recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure and in the hospital for a few days, one of my sisters moved in to help her take care of my dad since she could no longer do things like haul him up off of the toilet etc. and generally needed to rest. This sister has her own very serious health issues though too and had to have a surgery, so I have been staying for the last two or three weeks to help with my dad and buying groceries etc. My mother has been 'discharged' from her home monitoring and some medications related to her congestive heart failure. However I am certain if I leave and go back to my apartment for a few days, there will be multiple instances of verbal abuse and possible small amount of danger for my father from falling because he is quite unsteady and needs quite a lot of patience and sometimes force to prevent him from falling. I think my mother has mainly managed quite well despite his difficulties to keep him from falling when he goes to the bathroom and the living room and back and forth, but because she loses patience and sometimes has to really exert herself to help him, I believe this may cause her heart to be overworked after a few incidents and her end up in the hospital again. Now to the 'hell' part. I feel like the ethical thing is for me to just give up my apartment and stay here, but it seems like it may not be possible. The biggest issue is that it is southern California and until now the house had no air conditioning. This makes it difficult for me to work (I work online) and also twice as hard to do things like help my dad move around or changing his diaper etc. There is also a ton of junk in the house which is difficult to remove without initiating fights with my mother, and incredibly poor ventilation. I installed an air conditioner and fan in the attic to help with the climate in the house and it is an amazing difference. However my mother refuses to acknowledge that it is needed and only allows it for a certain period in the middle of the day. She seems to resent the air conditioner, the safety rails, the ventilation, the internet, ideas related to solving my dad's serious constipation issues, any attempt to discuss solving very bad maintenance issues around the house, etc. Its like she is going to a huge effort just to tolerate things. Unfortunately I do not have the money to replace the roof and the plumbing etc. which both need replacing, or to pay all utility bills myself, although I have offered to pay for electricity. She flips out/verbally abuses me and seems to resent me... but her or my dad may die if I leave.