My husband is very difficult to deal with in the afternoons due to serious sundowning aggression and I’m considering memory care. Any advice?

If he does this often enough then you have to stop taking him for a ride.
Take him for a walk if you want but not in a car. If you have to take him in the car he sits in the BACKSEAT and make sure that the child safety locks are engaged. And he sits on the passenger side not behind you.
I told myself that I would care for my Husband at home as long as it was SAFE.
SAFE for ME to care for him and SAFE for HIM for me to care for him at home.
It sounds to me as if it is no longer safe for you to be caring for him at home.
There has to be more than 1 Memory Care facility near you. Look again, tour them with an open mind.
If you are not ready for Memory Care now look into Adult Day programs where he will be out for a while.
Talk to his doctors about medication for the aggression and anxiety.

Is he on any meds for the sundowning?

Please don’t continue the car rides, they aren’t safe any longer. And know the hitting and hair pulling is not okay, those are sign it’s time for another plan. Your husband, if himself, wouldn’t want this life for you. Speak to his doctor about meds to help with the behaviors and tour more memory care places. It’s time, and that’s okay. Protecting yourself is always wise. You’ll still be his caregiver, his advocate in his new setting, but a safe and rested one. I wish you both peace

It is time for a neuro psych eval to see if medications are useful. The next time he is violent, call 911 and insist he gets Baker Acted. Look up the term for your state. It covers 72 hours in hospital for emergency psych eval. Tell caregivers about your safety and his

STOP taking the man for car rides immediately! If the Memory Care there is awful, look around for other Memory Care ALFs that aren't, and place him there instead. These MCs are all over the place, like flowers popping up on every street corner in America these days. If you have to place him further away to find a good MC, so be it.

Your husband's delusions are in line with dementia and Sundowning. Call his doctor to let him know what's going on and how agitated and aggressive he's become, so meds can be prescribed to calm him down. Definitely call 911 the very next time he TOUCHES you in an angry manner so he can be taken to the ER for a psych evaluation. Don't chalk things off to 'just dementia' and wind up dead as result, God forbid! Your husband needs medication to control his violent outbursts, and he needs it immediately.

Just as you'd get him to the hospital for a burst appendix or other medical emergency, your husband needs medical attention for THIS issue too b/c it also constitutes a medical emergency. Because YOUR safety is at risk right now. Make sure to hide the knives in the kitchen and be certain there are no firearms in the house, too. Violent outbursts happen all the time when dementia is at play, unfortunately.

Best of luck.

Trani7, your hubby hits you, pulls your hair and even turns off the engine? Why on earth are you still taking him out for a ride? Be lucky you haven't been in a serious accident due to the engine stopping while driving.

Yes, time for Memory Care, but first your husband's doctor needs to get him on some type of calming medicine, otherwise Memory Care may not take him. I looked on the Internet, there are quite a few senior facilities in or near your area.

He’s not “difficult to deal with”. He is violent and cannot control his emotions or actions.

He is going to seriously hurt you or get you killed. This is a dangerous situation for both of you.

There is no time left for ‘considering’ memory care. It’s WAY past time!

Dr can prescribe a mild dose of anxiety med.(Ativan)

Time for memory care before you get badly injured!! He will adjust and you NEED a more normal life. Plan scheduled visits and maintain a life for yourself!..

Trani - I'm so sorry you are going through this! MC is really your only option right now. I put my husband in MC 6 months before he died, when I realized I couldn't keep him safe anymore. Before I placed him, I was like you, trying to take him in the car. When he started opening the car door or grabbing the wheel, I put him in the back seat with the child locks on. Unfortunately, things only get worse. The first MC facility I placed him in turned out to be awful, so I moved him to one that was twice as far away, but absolutely wonderful. Hopefully you can find one like that. Keep searching. I'm praying for you.

So sorry you having to endure this delusional sundown behavior..if I may these are a few tips that helped me dealing with this behavior (my relative's) although not as severe as your husband's..
●1st: Has your husband been evaluated about this severe dementiarelated behavior?they may be underlying medical condition*?
-2nd:During the day particularly early evening: planify Relaxing activity: no loud TV or violent TV program,soft relaxing music,herbal tea such as: camomile,..
*After evaluation: Can you ask his Dr for a medication to calm him down, to take as needed before taking him out for important appointment?
Can you get help for these apts?
If not and not absolutely needed for safety reasons don't obviously take him in the car..
ANY dementia helpline?
-For other necessary outing you may "prepare" him before and slowly:" dear we are going out ...
Ok?.."no rush..people with dementia can " loose" it quickly ...agressivity may be his way of reacting to a seemingly brutal change...
-3rd: don't Argue,or deny his claims..Rather in a mild and Calm voice: Acknowledge his fears,delusions etc..say something like:" you feel this way" etc..+:"I am sorry.. I understand".."can I help you?"....
-4th: Can you hire a part time care assistant?
To give you time to rest...
Hope these can help..
Ps: security tip: hide any sharp object: knives,scissors etc..

Some assisted living facilities have attached memory care units; have you looked into those?
Also, you should be able to check with Social Security and also look into websites like 'A Place for Mom' (this is a referral service but was helpful to us in narrowing down choices).
Good luck - you need help and I will pray you find it.

Hello it is time that you seek help for him especially with the violence and not knowing who you are and where he is.

Speak with his doctor about his aggression. He may need calming medications. It may be a trial and error situation to get the right medications and dosage. Also get connected with a local social worker and enlist their aid with your questions. Regarding finding a facility, much will depend on his/your finances. Sadly, his personality has changed, and he is not the person he was. It sounds like his behavior has gotten to the point where it's potentially dangerous for you. If you can, walk away when he is aggressive. Can you put him in the back seat of the car on the opposite side? Memory care facilities have professional staff who are trained to handle this kind of behavior. If you take this path to find a facility, you will have to decide how far you are willing to travel to visit him. It's best to place him nearby where you can visit often and oversee his care. While you straighten things out with finding a facility, ask the social worker if he is eligible for in-home care - you'll need experienced caregivers who know how to handle aggression. With dementia, people go through stages, and this stage may pass, but who knows when? All the best to you and your husband, and a big hug. Take care of yourself, too!

Google care advisors.. they are similar to a realtor. They are paid by the facility when placed. An invaluable service. I placed 3 times this way . Get someone local who can meet you for tours. They know what the availability is, your needs , cost , reputation of facility, etc. I used a company called care patrol here. They are a franchise. Maybe there is one near you.

call your county office of aged and disabilities office if you need more guidance.

You are in an unsafe environment… you know what you have to do

The minute you get into a car turn on the radio to Easy Listening music that HE likes.

When my husband complains or gets riled:
1) I agree with him and convincingly fuss about his complaint even more strongly than he does, and I mean it (in my voice) as if we were on the same side. I almost make like it was my idea to complain about whatever bothers him, ("That's what I thought too"), and I lean slightly into needing his support. Think in terms of allies in politicial philosophy.
For example, I become dead set on calling the doctor about the lunacy of taking a shower and to ask if we can stop taking them. "For G-d sakes afterall, we're grown people and we don't need them". He's calmed, feels supported and before he knows it the shower is over and done with. He won't remember that I supported his rage. What is important is that he's right. Being right about anything is the last grasp of control in the chaotic prison of his mind. Being right is very soothing.

Another example, when he insists on wearing pj's to go shopping. I tell him okay, it's a style. I wait 10 minutes and put out a nice outfit without saying words. If he starts to percolate I tell him "Do Not put it on, I was just checking to see if it needs ironing or mending". "Yup, it looks to be okay". "Do you think it needs a belt?" And if you must just go out with him in his pj's, people will recognize the situation and know by your proper dress that you are a caregiver.

2) I give him cool water to drink, he may be cranky due to thirst. I always carry a insulated thermal bag with ice packs to keep a bottle of water chilled. Think diaper bags young moms always carry full of emergency stuff.
3) Go to a bathroom and tell him to pee.
4) Offer a delicious tiny guava flavored hard candy (H-Mart)or a little something he loves. I always keep some guava candies in my pocket. He is being served and/or given attention.
5) I told his neurologist about his behavior and that doctor has prescribed a medication to take as needed like 45 minutes before an outing, a shower, or hair cut. I often forget to give him the meds and use my back-up strategies.

I want to live a normal life as well. Many, many, many caregivers want that too, in the meantime, beside this great forum, contact a support group.

He depends on you to be in command. I hate it, but we git'er done or keep trying. It's not forever.

Find out if you can get respite care. You may need time off for a breather, to collect yourself, and research great teachers like Teepa Snow.

First, let me say that he is SO lucky to have you! You have done the best you can at taking care of him and fulfilling your vows.

Second, he is not doing these things to you, he is doing them to a stranger. The exact same thing happened with my Mom and Dad. Your husband's dementia has him living in a completely different world than we live in. Those "alternate you's" are his brains way of dealing with HIS reality

Third....it IS time for Memory Care. He needs professionals that know how to deal with this. Mom flourished when we moved her to Memory Care. Dad stayed away for 1 week. When he came to see her the 1st time after the week was up, Mom looked up and said "Sugarman! Where have you been? I missed you so much!" It was beautiful to see💜

A Place for Mom was Extremely helpful in finding her place and it has been a blessing.

Btw. Mom is in her last days in hospice AT the Memory Care now and we are all so blessed that they are a part of our lives now💜

"It's not forever," but it's the rest of your good years. I've been in too many relationships where I spent years humoring a volatile man who did not even have dementia as an excuse. These descriptions sound like the same type of abusive relationships I was in. If you were in an abusive relationship, everyone would tell you to take care of yourself and leave. Your kind, decent husband, the way he was in the past--would he want you to spend years living with an abusive, violent, brain-damaged man?

I think it's very important NOT to turn things into a game or make light of violent behavior that your DH is exhibiting here! Or to continue taking him on 'outings' in the car thinking a sweet or some nice music will fix his outbursts. That's not to say it doesn't work for others, or that it won't turn UGLY for others as well. Dementia IS UGLY and can turn VERY violent in short order, so to think a sweet candy or some cute words will fix a violent situation will NOT ALWAYS WORK Ladies. You cannot live 'a normal life' when caring for a demented husband at home! Period. Life as you knew it ceases to exist when dementia enters the picture. We can pretend otherwise, and we can try to keep things as 'normal' as possible for as long as possible, yes. But once violent behavior enters the picture, with hitting, hair pulling and interfering with the operations of the CAR, that is when it's time to look into placement in a facility where HE will stay safe and where YOU will stay safe.

It's wonderful to have a forum like this to get advice and to give advice. What works for one does not necessarily work for another. While your DH is 'lucky' to have you, YOU are not 'lucky' to have HIM in a violent mode acting out on YOU!!! Fix this situation before YOU become a statistic. Abuse is abuse, even when dementia and disease is the cause of that abuse. It's not okay nor is it excusable or warranted BECAUSE of the disease mechanism at play. It's your wake up call to say ENOUGH: it's time to place my husband now!! You know that when you hear yourself say "There really is no let up and I'm struggling to stay in one piece."

Please do not become a statistic OP! Please look into Memory Care for DH immediately! A Place for Mom here can help you, if you need it.

You need to tell his doctor about his behavior. My husband was the same and he put him on Trazadone an anxiety pill and it made a big difference. It does make him sleepy. Do not allow this behavior to continue and be sure you have a geriatrics doctor. I am in South Florida and have an excellent geriatric doctor and has made a huge difference for him and quality of life as much as can be with vascular dementia. Wish you good luck but don’t walk but run to the phone to save both if you.

Please call 911 and video him if you can. The police need to call Adult Protective Services and get emergency assistance to place him. Regardless of the reasoning, this is a DOMESTIC VIOLENCE issue. Please don't permit him to get in the car as you could end up dying in a car accident and then who will take care of him. I believe you'll need to press charges, but I'm not clear on that, the police can advise you.

Living a "normal life" with a dementia patient isn't possible..............you're both way past "normal." Time to take care of you.

If you are "wondering" if MC is better for you both, then I think you already know the answer; the situation is going beyond your ability to control it. I'm hoping by the time you read this that you will already have started researching more facilities. Also, my FIL did have Alzheimer's, but he was able to be placed in a non-MC facility, so perhaps some other locations are more flexible than you think, and worth investigating.

The tears are flowing down my cheeks as I read your post. I have been through the exact same scenario with my husband. My husband used to love to take drives down by the shore, we live in Connecticut and the last car ride I ever took him on, he proceeded to open the door and try to jump from the car. Thankfully he had his seatbelt on and I was holding onto him by one arm as I was driving and he was wrestling to get away from me because he was scared and afraid of me because he didn’t know I was his wife. The whole thing is not only dangerous but it’s heartbreaking for you and for him if he understands what’s going on. I just lost my husband June 27 of this year and my heart is broken and I’m lonesome beyond words but in my heart I feel that he’s at peace now and in a better place. I have recently moved and I’m finding my way forward although it’s very difficult. My advice to you would be absolutely place in a memory care if you can. If he is a veteran he’s entitled to veterans benefits. My husband was a Vietnam era veteran and I was lucky to find a veterans hospital/home where he was treated with the most dignity and respect ever. He received wonderful care and the nursing staff loved him and he loved them as well. He was in a locked unit a dementia unit, so I knew he was safe and I didn’t have to worry about him running out in front of traffic or jumping from a car. His dementia exploded with the start of the pandemic and he spiraled downhill so quickly in the last two years it was beyond real. My heart goes out to you but, You need peace of mind and you need sleep and that’s not gonna happen when you don’t know that he’s safe in your home. Right now the main issue is his safety and your sanity. I wish you luck and I’m sending hugs and prayers your way. It is not easy. This is an evil illness and we’re praying someday for a cure but unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be in the near future.💜

Don't take him for any more rides. This is really dangerous and you're going to end up having an accident.

Sounds like you could both benefit from him being on a med to keep him calmer. His condition sounds quite advanced. If the MC near you is bad, get him in one further away. You don't have to and IMHO should not visit every day anyways.

I would get him a psych consult. He may need help. He might have anxiety or hallucinations. This needs to be delt with. He could seriously hurt you, or turn the key off in traffic. You could cause an accident.
Get him help right away. He might stop attacking you. It could get dangerous if you don't.

You know you need to act now.
There is no way I would stay with husband who is aggressive, you don’t deserve it, dementia or not.
Please don‘t drive with him.

Trani7: As your husband's dementia has now reached the point of violent and aggressive tendencies, it is IMPERATIVE that he be placed in a memory care facility now. You must do this for your own safety. I am concerned about your welfare. Perhaps you posted this thread for validation and yes, it's okay to place your DH (Dear Husband) now.

Trani7 - please listen to these replies as your safety is at risk now.

I am surprised that many people are suggesting memory care immediately. The first attempt should be medication to control his sundowning and aggression. This is what MC will do when he goes there because they don’t want their staff to be abused by your husband either.

My husband was not pleasant when he first developed sundowning. After 2 weeks of Seroquel, he is back to normal. Talk to your doctor.

I hope it is not too late to get him placed. If he is violent the MC may refuse him on the basis of safety for the other residents.
If he is as violent as you say, a MC facility at a distance may be a good thing. You may need to love him from afar.
It is beyond time. Take every moment you have to research facilities.
You are the most valuable resource he has. You need to get him placed so you can continue to advocate for him. If you are injured or killed you cannot help him. He does not recognize that fact.
His mind is deteriorating and the only way he can respond is by getting violent. You have a three year old in a large body.
I speak from experience. My DW called the police on me at 3am due to hallucinations.