I am POA for my parents, who live with me. Dad seems to be nearing the end. His mind is still fairly clear, and I consult with him regarding their finances even though I have POA. Mom has severe dementia and doesn't understand anything about finances anymore.
I'm feeling a bit nervous about soon becoming the sole decision-maker. Any advice or things I should know?
There you will have an hour of time paid for by the POA, expert advice on just how you will proceed.
You are doing a lot. I hope that you are able to get some help / caregivers in to give you regular respites / off time.
Gena / Touch Matters
I've had durable POA for both parents for four years and am the third trustee on their trust etc. It makes it easier to do "stuff" regarding the trust, but it means "everything" has to be in the Trust and anything only in their name has to be dealt with separately.
It is simply a process. Emotions aside - including fear - it is simply a process of transferring stuff to whoever is named. Research NOW where everything is supposed to go even if you are NOT the executor so you know. Know what memorial group they want to use, the sort of service they want. Know what happens to mom if dad goes first and tell her if she asked. Know what happens to dad if mom goes first.
My mom passed in January (natural/dementia), my dad is still in his home with his 24/7 care team. Had my dad passed first, my mother had a facility picked out. We reiterated the plan often. I found the memorial place and verified the arrangements. I found my mother had registered to donated her body two days before she passed. The memorial home let us use the pre-paid funds to fund the memorial service. I could not talk to the director until my dad gave permission...because the memorial stuff was not listed on the Trust/Will /POA documents.
Take LOTS of deep breaths and keep your own health. After your health, immediate bills come first, then getting money from estate stuff then anything else. Document everything that comes in, everything that goes out.
Social security and banks - my mother's bank rejected the last social security payment and we had to "apply" to get it. We should have had it in January and we still do not have the replacement check. Oh, and my dad did get a "death benefit" check from Social Security.
There are lots of moving parts. Get one part moving, deep breath, get another part moving. We are waiting on two checks that are owed us for my mom, then her estate is finished, except this year's taxes that I got an extension for.
When my dad passes, there will be a much longer process as it will mean emptying the house before selling. We can't move anything that is in my dad's sight. I'm predicting six months to clean out the house and I know we have a cracked ceiling that needs all out of the house to open up and see problems before fixing.
Yes, it can be a lot. Take it one item at a time. BREATHE, Build your support team, delegate to those with expertise. BREATHE!
Is your POA invoked for Mom? Is it immediate? Are you primary or secondary to Dad?
As POA, you now make all Moms decisions. Not what she wants so much biput what she needs. Are you going to physically care for her or place her. Having POA does not mean you physically must care for them. It means you use their finances to get them care. This could be placing them, or hiring aides. POA usually gives you the ability to sell the home. Giving you money to pay for care. It comes down to, your incharge.
A DNR should be in place for Mom. Also, your POA on file at the hospital she frequents and her doctors. I had mine shrunk down to 8x11 ( usually printed on 8x14 paper) so I could print copies and give everyone a copy. For hospitals and doctors the Medical is the most important. My Moms was actually a living will.
Make sure you do what's required to actually activate the authority (usually it's at least 1 formal medical diagnosis by a doctor that is in her records).
Review their Advanced Healthcare Directive to know what's in it -- in a crisis if they have to go to the ER or hospital you want to make sure you advocate for exactly what they wanted.
Have the documents on you if you go anywhere with them.
If you wind up in the ER or hospital with your LO, don't assume they've actually read the AHD even though seemingly 80 people will have asked to see your documents. I recently had to basically scream at the ER team to stop doing things to my 105-yr old Aunt when she was there for a massive stroke.
Do some research now regarding hospice: in-home hospice may take 2 days to set up. In-home hospice staff and volunteers are not caregivers so you will still be in that role. Facility hospitce will be different.