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I have been caring for my father for the past 3 1/3 years. Thankfully he lives at his own home with caregivers 5 days a week. But as everyone knows there is so much more to it. Throw in the fact that he is very demanding. My biggest personal issue is that I completely resent caring for him, taking him to appointments, paying bills, managing the aides and the house. Cooking, shopping and listening to his constant complaints. The constant phone calls. All this from a father whose biggest priority in life was himself. I wonder how I ended up in this role.
So anyway, he had a very significant fall several weeks ago, suffered a brain bleed and now needs surgery to drain fluid from his brain. My siblings and I have arranged for him to go to a very lovely assisted living facility right from the hospital and he will live there. The problem is we keep telling him he can’t live alone but he doesn’t want to hear it. He won’t be happy once he realizes he’s not going home.
When I say he won’t be happy, his MO has always been to throw a tantrum until he gets his own way. The facility says they can handle that.
Frankly I’m so sick of everything and I don’t want him coming home because I don’t want to do this anymore. My life revolves around him, this is not how I envisioned my retirement.
Ok so let me get to the point. Should things escalate and he insists on going home, how do I just say, “fine, but you’re on your own." I can’t do this anymore. He’s not capable of managing his medication, fixing his meals, etc. SAYING I don’t want to this and actually doing it are two different things.
Thanks for anyone who was kind enough to get through this!

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He will go where he must for safety.
This is no longer about choice.
Not your choice and not his choice.
That is number one and the family needs to stick to that. If you like, you can tell him to work hard for his recovery so he can return home. That will transition him a bit more slowly as this is a shock.

You yourself need to work on your thinking that you are responsible for his happiness.
He isn't a happy many and likely never was and that has ZERO to do with you and you can do nothing about it.
This is not a time for happiness but a time in loss. He will suffer and be unhappy for that loss and should be allowed to express it, but those who stand WITNESS have their own needs. And he should not be allowed a phone with which to badger those trying to handle a life after visiting.

You are going to need to make boundaries for yourself and protect them.
Again, this is not about choice. This is about loss. He has a right to mourn that, but he has no right to burden his family which is ALSO mourning his losses.
You know what must be done.
I am so very sorry. I know this is tough stuff, but you are going to need to be MUCH more self-protective if you are to survive this.
Do not throw your own body on the burning funeral pyre of your father.
No country on earth demands that anymore.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 9, 2024
Exactly right. Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
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You answered your own question. If things escalate YOU go home because that's when the visit (or phone call) ends. I was a caregiver to stubborn, selfish, entitled senior brats for 25 years. When I fell on some hard times I was forced into caregiving for the most stubborn, selfish, and entitled senior brat of them all. My mother.

I'm going to tell you the phrase I've told them all and it usually puts the brakes on the stubbornness and demanding behavior.

'Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn'.

So, you tell your father this. You and everyone else needs to let him know that life in the AL is the good life and nursing home life is not. Let him know plainly that if he leaves the AL, he's on his own. That whatever the paid caregivers can't and don't provide, he will be doing without. Then when something even worse happens to him, assisted living won't be an option. It will be a nursing home and that will be a fact regardless of how violent a tantrum he throws.

Let me tell you something personal. It's the parents like ours who were abusive, narcissistic, selfish, gaslighting, bullies when they were young that expect their adult kids to make them the top priority of their life when they're old and needy.

He's not coming home from the AL. He lives there now and the sooner you truly accept this reality he will. When his verbal abuse, manipulation, and tantrums don't work on you anymore and he doesn't get what he demands he will acclimate to life in AL.

This cannot and will not happen if you pick up the phone ten times a day and give attention to his verbal abuse, threats, and demands to go home. It will not happen if when you visit, you allow tantrums, verbal abuse, and demands. If he acts up, that's when you get up and leave. You don't take phone calls every minute from him. You control when there will be phone calls and the tone of the conversation. If the demands start up, that's when the call ends.

I know what I'm talking about. If you were lucky enough to get him into AL, have a talk with the administrator and tell them they may have to involve the state because he cannot go home. You have to stay strong and not let yourself be manipulated by your father. It's tough to do because we've been conditioned all our lives by them. It's not impossible though.

Stay strong and don't give into his demands. You're doing right by him even if he doesn't think so. Remember that.
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When he moves in to the facility, don’t take his calls and don’t visit for a few weeks. He will need to get adjusted.

His temper tantrums are not your problem. He is old and unhappy. You didn’t cause that and you can’t fix that.

It won’t matter if he is having temper tantrums if you aren’t there to hear or know about them.

Also remember, a lot of them perform and act up for their relatives and they are fine at the facility when no one to perform for is there. Manipulative.
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My heart aches for you. I am also in the same exact situation with my father (91yo) and I could have written exactly what you have here. Sadly and unfortunately my experience is not encouraging. I am trying to get my dad out of my house (where he's been for the last 5 years) and into a facility. You can't count on the doctors to help. I've been outwardly telling dad's doctors (PCP & cardiologist) that he needs to be in a facility (I am POA). It falls upon deaf ears. They will ask dad if he should begin thinking about moving and, of course, dad says, "Oh I'm doing pretty good on my own for now." No, he's not and the doctor's take his word for it (not mine).

Dad has had a serious fall while I was out of the house (took him 1.5 hours to get back on his feet and then didn't tell me about it), ended up with a black eye the next day and told me that he didn't know how he got a black eye. I only found out because he told my siblings about it six months later. They've listened to dad telling them how well he's doing but I think they are beginning to realize what's really going on now. His medical notes say that he has "vascular dementia". This limits facilities that will consider accepting him.

My dad also is very demanding and negative. I've always been a happy person, but he has drained all of the joy out of life. I don't even think I am able to smile anymore. My sister has recently stepped up to help (I suppose better late than never). We are on our third facility hoping they can/will accept him.

My experience so far and recommendation is to begin the process with a facility to accept him. The admission director(s) have been more helpful than anyone with direction and advice. There is a lot of paperwork and gathering of medical records, etc. but I've only had to do it once because when one rejects us, they are happy to pass it all onto the next facility director. Please do this. Contact an 'admissions' person anywhere now. They will make you feel less inadequate & hopeless and encourage your efforts.

My dad's vascular dementia is the reason for rejection at the first two facilities. I am now attempting a memory care facility. He is considered "high functioning" (for now but will gradually decline in the future), but I think dad will freak out when/if he realizes it is a memory care facility. I don't care, but I'm also prepared to feel guilty about it.

I wish us both Good Luck.
I am daughter #1. I want to find my way back to 'happy'.
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MaryKathleen Nov 14, 2024
As a Memory care official said to me "No one wants to come here". He said someone with POA should call 911 say you have POA, In my case I also added I was his wife. He had dementia and needed to go to the hospital for evaluation. The ambulance would transport him to the hospital, and when it was time to rerelease him they would pick him up and transport him to their facility. He fought the medics who just rolled him up in a sheet and carried him out to the ambulance.

In my hubby's case, the doctors realized his kidneys had failed and he only had about 10 days to live. We got hospice and brought him home to die which he did about 5 days later.

You could see what arrangement the facility you pick can make, and perhaps paraphrase your call to 911.

So, he freaks out, so what? Distance yourself from him that way you can reman sane.
(4)
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There are so many "types" of people...and as many ways to deal with this.
Myself, I have hardened my heart, become semi-selfish, and give a measured amount of time to others.
God, not me, "Calls the Shots"... I lean on that mantra and continue to lead MY life.
I'm seventy years old, shooting for eighty. I will not willingly spend that time suffering.
I won't apologize for this stance...many of us feel this way but society frowns upon speaking of it.
This life has been a series of challenges, that I've handled with compromise, NOT total submission.
Daughter 3, try some very sincere Prayer. For guidance... I'll do the same... Billy
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Hi,
Your situation is similar to mine. Long story short, I became my father's caregiver after my mom passed away many years ago. I did not have a happy childhood due to the verbal abuse from my father towards my mom and I. This continued on to adulthood. He is also very demanding. It started out with me just doing the house cleaning but as the years went on, his needs became greater because of a stroke he had many years before. Then I was not only cleaning but washing, taking to doctor's appointments, mailing bills, cooking or getting food for him and etc. He started falling and ended up in the swing bed twice. After a long and hard process, he is now in a care facility. He can longer walk or tend to personal needs and etc. Before going to the facility, we tried getting help in the home but it was not enough because of his condition. Even with him no longer at home, I'm still busy taking care of his bills and etc.
I know how you feel. I told the social worker at the hospital when he was in swingbed that I was unable to care for him 24/7. I told him the same thing and I know he resents me for it but I had to finally think about myself. As others have said, caregiving takes a toll on you especially when the parent is difficult. I'm in counseling now for this. You have to take your life back, Do not wait too long like I did. What are his doctors saying at the hospital? If they are saying he can not live alone, tell them that you are not able to be his 24/7 caregiver. Please let us know how things turn out.
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Stop discussing his impending move with him, at all. It only riles him up and serves no purpose. Ask his doctor for a medication to calm his agitation and anxiety. It will be a gift to you both. If he still comes home from his new setting, before he leaves let the administration there know he has no in home care and ask for their help in what he’s eligible to receive. In the home, let him fail, it’s the only way for him to see his need for help other than you. Don’t listen to any verbal berating or demands. You need to be firm in your mind to stepping back. Doesn’t mean you don’t care, practicing self care is equally important to his needs if not more. I wish you peace
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I'm going through the same issue right now. For the last ten years, I've been caring for my wife who one doctor recently describes as having severe dementia but now I am about at the end. It is a difficult decision but I expect to put her into a facility when it becomes available in a month or two. I feel some guilt about it, but I'm looking forward to a more relaxed and less stressful life.
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First of all you have to mentally disassociate yourself from him. Keep it like a business transaction. IT WILL BE DIFFICULT but it is necessary. Do not engage in his behavior. Do not provide any means for him to be able to go home.

I fully advise you to see a therapist (even if on Zoom) to help you navagate this process. Without the support you need the likelyhood of you possibly "helping" him to get home and make your like more difficult. You deserve a break.

Can you go on a vacation or block any calls you receive? Are you the POA? If so instruct the facilty that he is not to contact you. Only medical staff, SW, and administration will be able to correspond with you.

It is difficult but doable. You just need the support sytem to help you through it. I can't stress enough that you will need to distance yourself physically from him. Do not visit, no calls from him directly. Do not engage in the tantrums.

Good luck.
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Daughter3, if you have actually got him into AL, what you need to do is back away big time. If you visit (no more than once a week) walk out when he starts being difficult. If he throws a tantrum, walk out, or don’t go – just leave it to the staff. Do nothing to facilitate him going home, it all has to be organised by him. Don’t leave shopping and food at his place – he arrives to nothing, including a stripped bed. Don’t answer his phone calls if he has left, and don’t visit. Tell him in advance that it’s what is going to happen, and DO IT.

You do understand that “SAYING I don’t want to this and actually doing it are two different things”. Remind yourself that the object of this ‘cruelty’ is so that he won’t leave at all, or will turn around and go back when he finds that he is on his own. Plus the cruelty is to save your own physical and mental health.

I’d suggest that you work out your clear brief statement about what is going to happen, write it down and memorise it. When you start to waver, repeat your own statement – as many times as you need. He may well call the police etc if he finds himself on his own at home – so be ready to repeat your statement to them as well.
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TiredK12 Nov 15, 2024
Your response is very wise. This is what I should have done with my late father. The hardest thing to wrestle with though is the guilt you feel. When I tried to do as you suggest, my father simply called a neighbour in and persuaded him to help him daily. The neighbour then told me I wasn't doing enough for my father, despite my explaining the situation to him. Tough love is definitely what's needed with demanding and stubborn individuals but overcoming the guilt is the struggle.
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