My mother lives next door to my younger Sister. She has a family of her own, has kids, and a happy life aside from the stress my narcissistic mother lays upon her. She has always had a better relationship with my mom than I had. I'm the older sister and I was emotionally and sometimes physically abused by my mom.
When I was 18, I left and have managed to keep boundaries with my mom most of my life. However, my younger sister was treated well and had a good relationship with my mother up until recently. The past couple of years my mom is starting to treat my sister a little more like how she treats me. I think my sister now has some understanding that Mom has very toxic behavior, when previously they were best friends.
My Sister handles our mother’s meals (she is extremely picky), cleans her living area and feels like she has to jump at my mom’s every request. Mom throws temper tantrums and says cruel things when she doesn't get what she wants. Mom is never happy. It is never enough.
I want to help my sister because I love her, but she had often acted like a flying monkey and it has been difficult to trust her for a long time, as she has acted like a willing and joyful accomplice to Mom's manipulation of me and pushing my boundaries on her behalf. But lately I think she is seeing the truth about Mom now and how our mother really is, because Mom is letting her mask slip more often.
I do love my mom. I understand her trauma has made her how she is. I have forgiveness, but I will not allow myself to be a martyr or abused. I also love my sister and I don't want her to be exhausted and over stressed either. I told her she needs boundaries, but she says she is worried every call from Mom is an emergency and doesn't want to ignore them or wait for voicemail. She is quicker to anger these days and seems resentful of me because I live a distance away and refuse to be at Mom's beck and call for things that are not true emergencies.
I can't spend a lot of time with my mom, it drains me, and she says hurtful things. I have offered to pay for food service delivery to cater to Mom's picky needs, but Mom doesn't want that. I have offered Paying for Maid services, but Mom doesn't want a stranger in the house. My Sister wants me to do more to help her and is angry with me because I'm not in contact enough. I do call and talk with Mom 2-3 hours at a time a couple times a week to keep her distracted, and that is emotionally exhausting as I am mostly talked at than talked with, but I do it for my sister mostly.
I don't want my sister to hate me, but I also don't want to be guilted into care of an abusive mother. I feel like my sister is trying to get me to take over Mom's care, but I won't. Even though my Mom is more nasty to my Younger Sister she still respects her more so than she ever respects me.
Any advice would be helpful. I don't want to lose my sister or my Nieces but I also don't want to lose myself.
Thanks in advance.
She sucked the very life out of me. I backed away my brother who had done little for her throughout his life was forced to step up.
I do support him behind the scenes, if I want to. That's it, haven't spoke to my mother in 10 years, did it once before for 9 years, the happiest years of my adult life, as she made my life a living hell. I will never speak to her again.
2-3 hours on the phone several times a week? Your kidding right? Why are you doing this to yourself? Keeping yourself in the loop of abuse.
Settle the problem, place your mother in a home so that both of you can get your freedom back.
Your sister is the master of her own ship, if she wants to continue this dysfunctional relationship with mom that is her choice, not yours, nor is it your place to try and resolve her issues.
Keep in mind your mother could live a very long time, my mother is 97 and still causing issues, I could have wasted another 10 years of my happy life had I not gone no contact.
Can you say to sis "I have a different experience of mom than you do. I need to keep my distance, both physically and emotionally to protect my mental health."?
Mom is an adult; adults PLAN their old age and take time to discuss those plans with their children. They don't presume that their children will step in to do hands on care.
Your mother sounds like someone with undiagnosed mental illness. Consider suggesting to sis that she get mom to a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation.
PS, you talk to her for 2-3 HOURS on the phone? Why?
What exactly does your sister want you to do? I understand her frustration that all this has fallen to her, especially since she always had a good relationship with your mom and now she sees the true colors. Tell her what you have offered and that mom turned them down. I am afraid the only thing mom will actually want is YOU there to abuse. And that is off the table. The thing is, if mom needs help, she needs to learn to accept what is offered, not demand services to suit her. I would start with finding out exactly what your sister wants of you and go from there. You may find out that she can't name a thing you could do for her and she just wants to be mad at someone so you are it.
The care plan should set out what you are prepared to do, what sister is prepared to do, what gaps are left and how can they be filled by other means. That’s the most important bit now. It should also run through the ‘do it now while she’s legally competent’ things – POA, HIPPA, medical wishes etc.
The plan should preferably go on to say what is the ‘point of no return’ for home care. Double incontinence is for some people, physical attack for others, impossible sleeping problems for both her and carer, stressful behavior – you can discuss how things could or will get worse until no-one is coping.
The last step, which is probably too challenging for a first conversation, is where M goes for care if it becomes necessary. DO NOT make the 'golden promise' that we'll 'never put you in a home'. Promise that you'll always do the best thing to keep her safe and happy.
You and your sister making an overall plan together, is better than niggling about things as they come up.
You both seem to understand who Mom is, but I am uncertain whether or not Sister yet recognizes that enabling her behavior is of no value to anyone. Mom won't be happier. Nor will Sister. Nor will you.
Mom should be in care of herself. If she suffers from dementia then she should have placement.
You say you love and understand Mom, but part of that is knowing you can't change anything here, and more sacrifice of your own life is of value to no one.
We have two chances at family. The one we're born to and the one we make for ourselves.
Mom has had her life; she will reap as she has sown. It's time for you and Sister to recognize you each have a right to your own lives and to embrace that right and make that life.
I wish you the best.
1. some others have exclaimed about you talking to your abusive mother a couple of times per week for 2-3 hours at a stretch.
I am with them in their stunned reaction: WHAT! WHY? Why would you allow yourself to be sucked in like that?
Allowing your mother to meaninglessly harangue and guilt-trip you is as mentally abusive to you, as forcing a 2-3 hour walk in Death Valley a couple of times per week at midday is physically abusive to a thirsty man. The mental abuse you take can be as dangerous as physical abuse. Stop those phone calls now. They don’t help your sister or your mother, and they diminish you.
2. Don’t take on any guilt, shame, or effort to help your sister with the thankless task of mother’s care. Your sister has chosen this path, but you didn’t choose this path for yourself and you didn’t demand your sister take the caretaker path, and she and your mother have both discarded or belittled your generous offers and clear-eyed recommendations. I hate that your “golden” sister belittled or disbelieved the treatment you got from your mother growing up. That must hurt and it was unfair to you.
You are in a no-win situation, so to save your sanity, self-worth, self-respect, and actual physical health:
You must let your mother and sister do their private tango dance without you.
In any event, I see that you want to help your sister, who is now trying desperately to get your help with mother. At what cost to YOU, though? You have to decide how much you'll do for this woman. What your boundaries are, and then stick to them. Tell sister that you will do XY&Z and no more. PERIOD. That your mental health depends on self care, with all that mother has done to you over the years, and suggest to HER that she ALSO set down boundaries with mother for HER mental health. Perhaps the two of you can become partners together now in how to handle mom with the least amount of damage to both of you. Figure it out together; does that seem like something you can do? Would sister be amenable do such a thing? You can band TOGETHER in this action and maybe bond closer with one another as a result. Mother is nuts, sisters band together in recognition of such a fact, and help one another through the ordeal. That's the goal.
Otherwise, everyone loses.
See what plan the two of you can come up with to Manage Mother Best.
Sister takes her on X days and you take her on Y days, for X hours and no more. You do X for her and sissy does Y. Then you both back off and go about your own lives while mother fends for herself and hires help if she needs it. B/c there is ONLY SO MUCH the two of you are willing or able TO do. Mother can move into Assisted Living if she needs THAT much help or to talk THAT much to others. Let her pay for the privilege of others putting up with her! That's what I did with my mother: Got her set up in Assisted Living and let those people deal with her B.S. so I could cut down on how much I had to deal with! And I let her think I had a full time job when I didn't so she didn't expect me to be available for her all the time. She wound up making 'friends' in the ALF and bad mouthed THEM 24/7 and that let ME off the hook for all the toxic waste coming out of her mouth! Win/win!
Wishing you good luck with the monstrous details.
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