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Our mother was/is the victim of an online/texting scam. She has given most of her retirement money to this person and even taken out many loans. She continues to believe "he" is real and just needs a little more $ to come and return all the money she has already sent. So $300k later, she still has never met him. They "talk" by text mostly. Take all communications devices away from her? Take her cell phone away? It is hard to think about doing these things since she is so active and engaged in 95% of her life. Note that this is not a dementia issue (she has been tested) but instead (our assessment) she is delusional on this. Help!

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This is psychological warfare and the key tactic a fraudster will use. They build rapport, gain their trust and it is incredibly difficult to get them back once the fraudster gets into their mind. It is not dementia and it is not willing behavior. Victim shaming prevents this from being reported as they already feel embarrassed. Lead with empathy and patience and have them explain their interaction with the fraudster. Shaming will only direct them farther away from you and getting them "back" will be even more difficult. Ask for an introduction as you genuinely want to "meet" them. This can help track them back to their mindset before the attack. There is a global war to strip us of our generational wealth and it has hit a catastrophic level. If this hasn't hit your family yet, you need to have a conversation NOW. Create a family 'safe word' to help verify identity. A fraudster shouldn't be able to answer this question. (If they are claiming to be family who needs money). Check in on your family...loneliness can lead to distrastrous actions. There are two parts of the brain at war with each other but it should not be classified as dementia right away. The fraudsters, aka criminals, are very good and they know exactly what they are doing. Word matter - Say "It appears you have been defrauded by a criminal" vs "You fell for a scam." Please don't victim shame and lead with compassion and understanding and they will be more willing to listen to you.
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jjleigh: It's too late to set parental controls since she's lost the alarming sum of $300K.
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Call your local police station and notify them of possible elderly financial abuse and fraud. They can evaluate and if needed notify the FBI.
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Heartbreaking. Loneliness is real. AARP, from time to time, publishes special issues either in their magazine or in the newsletter, on things like senior fraud/scams, etc. It is a very worthwhile organization to join at very little cost. (I'm not shilling for them. :) If you are a member you might want to try and call them to see if they have published any articles/suggestions on this particular form of senior scamming. Or, just try googling various search terms like "online texting scams" (senior romance scams, etc.)to see what comes up. There is a good chance that the people or "bots" (= as I understand the term means highly computerized forms of interacting with people often to fool them) are in other countries. Who knows? AI (Artificial Intelligence) may even be involved. Good luck and let us know if you make any progress.
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Thanks for the honest response . . . it's hard when most of the time she is fully responsible with her money and financial status, sort of recognizing that she is responsible for what she has done, and recognizes what it's done to the rest of the family. And then she slips into this "other world" where the scammer ("Simon or Simmone Phillip") is a real person who is coming to re-pay her and live happily ever after--if she only gives him a few hundred dollars more!
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AlvaDeer Aug 10, 2024
Our brains are really very fragile. When there has been this much willing loss of all her assets she is left with ONE THING and that is the pretense that this is real. Our brains often vere out of our own control. Think of yourself and a piece of music or a song that comes into your head and you cannot rid yourself of that ear worm for days. The brain forms a path and sticks to it. There would be little that could be done by you where this is concerned.
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You have no control over this if she is not suffering from dementia and if she is competent in her own choices.

Seems she has made her decisions already and lost her money already. You certainly can try to find all the old Dr Phil shows that have on women who did similar things, but don't know what good that would do at this point. Youtube has films about scams as well.

I would simply bow out of this. As Nacy says, you can bring the horse to water, but can't make it drink.
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jjleigh, welcome to the forum. When you get a chance please fill out your Profile which will give us a better understanding of your Mom. Example, is your Mom in her 50's and still working? Or is she in her 80's and retired? Is she a recent widow?


If your Mom has a photo of this man, scan the photo or copy image if the photo is in his e-mail, and do a "reverse image". There are numerous websites that offer free "reverse imagine".


Chances are great the photo is a fake, that the photo actually belongs to a real person who has nothing to do with this scam. I know Dr. Phil had caught many using a fake photo. The person in the photo has been scammed, too.


No man worth his salt would ask a woman to pay for his needs. Ask her would she date someone in town who would ask her to pay for dinner and the movies every time he wanted to go out? Ask her to buy him clothing/jewelry?
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HI jj - you should watch old Dr Phil shows - the ones that are specific to on-line scammers who pose as love interests - I think you may be able to find these on his website. Watch these with your mother because I'm sure she'll see total parallels to her story. Otherwise, she'll still imagine that this person is legitimate.

And at this point, she's probably so totally emotionally and mentally invested in this that there's no means of getting thru to her. Can you become her POA and speak directly with her bank? She needs new accounts and to close her existing accounts - and not to have access to them. Everything needs to go thru you. It's probably the only way it can be managed at this point...she's already lost enough and if things remain as is, she'll lose whatever is left. It's completely obvious. She may not have dementia, but she possess poor judgement - and that's still a danger. And you can tell her that sending those kinds of funds can be considered money laundering - and legally, she's placing herself in a bad situation.
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jjleigh Aug 10, 2024
Thanks so much for these suggestions. We have already done some of these things, but hadn't thought about the money laundering point. I had tried to talk to her bank (BOA) some time ago and they almost had me jumping off a cliff! I will circle back to them now and see if their knowledge and policies have improved with these scams becoming more common. Best, J.
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I have to tell you, had this been my mother giving away all her money to a scammer, I'd have personally gone over to her place right away and smashed her phone with a hammer! Then I'd have set parental controls on her computer preventing her from getting to social media sites or messaging apps. Then I'd give her a landline phone. The bank would hear from me and so would the credit agencies so she'd not be able to get loans, etc.

This $$$ she's wasted is her future old age $$$ which is now gone. You're better off having her not speaking to you than taking her into your home later on down the road to care for her, that's for sure.
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jjleigh Aug 10, 2024
Hi--and thank you. I/we especially appreciate the suggestion about being better off by upsetting her now . . . we have had a hard time putting (and keeping) the hammer down in a number of ways. So the support on this point is invaluable.
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I have a good friend who’s endured years of this with her mother. Thousands lost. She and her siblings finally put a stop to it when mom fell and went to rehab for a couple of weeks. They told a lie, that her phone broke in the fall, and provided her a new phone with no internet access and preprogrammed with only numbers they knew as family and friends. They warned all family and friends not to take her anywhere to get a smart phone. They went to her bank and added fraud alerts to her accounts. Mom was and is furious about it, but the crap stopped
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jjleigh Aug 10, 2024
Thank you! I/we are going to keep this strategy in mind for when she slows down, her phone breaks (for real or not). We had just recently found a phone (for dementia patients) that has just phone and no text, and which allows you to monitor a few things. So that is in our bag of tricks, so to speak, for the future.
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Approach the bank(s) and explain that she is the victim of a romance scam. They may be able to intervene. (I do not know banking law in your country) Tell the police that she is a willing victim. Spread the word.

We have a neighbour who supposedly is of sound mind but has fallen for romance and investment scams. The bank froze his accounts to investigate and he fought with them to have his money released to the scammers. Doubled down that the lies were truths. Nobody could convince him otherwise. I think deep down he knows he’s being defrauded but his life is dull and it provides excitement.
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jjleigh Aug 10, 2024
The "excitement" explanation is spot-on. We have had little help from the bank but are going to try again.
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Only thing you can do is advise mom that you won’t be spending your own money and either will the government given this spending. If Mom ends up in the streets that’s where she stays.
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