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There is the immediate implication or reminder that she is no longer in charge of the household and no longer capable of taking care of the home. If the helper is to be a companion to give the caregiver some free time for an appointment or errand, then how do you explain this otherwise useless stranger?

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I am a caregiver that is introduced to ones who tell family they don’t want a “new person” coming into their home or don’t need help. When families call me and tell me they don’t know if it will work but they need help, I always encourage them to have me come over (they can tell them or not) with them present and see what happens. I have yet to have someone not want me to come help and I have been pre-warned of “super hard” cases. Most caregivers have a true kindness about them that melts away fears and hesitancy. I reassure them that I am just there to help them, and I am not going to be their boss or takeover anything and that we may end up being friends 🙂.
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Reply to BlueDew
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Explain that this person has been hired to help you, the caregiver. You need some help with "keeping up" and when you have essential appointments you must go to.
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Reply to Taarna
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I think there's too much concern that the dementia patient won't want someone in their home. Every time I've had to hire someone to help a family member, the helper was accepted with no problem. Part of that acceptance was that the helpers were experienced and knew how to put my LOs at ease. Soon they were regarded as a plus, they were our friends, and they fit right in.
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Reply to Fawnby
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martinm17: State that the helper is a new friend. Period.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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She is a new friend that the caretaker has made and wants to spend time with the person suffering.
my grandmother eventually thought that the woman who shared the room with her in the memory care centre was her domestic assistant 🤔 My point being go with the flow and describe the situation the best way the person who needs care would like to hear it - if that makes sense.
Good Luck!❤️
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Reply to Whodat
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Originally, my aunt did not want help in the house. She thought it should either be me or she believed she didn't need help at all.
We interviewed a very nice young lady. I could tell aunt had her apprehensions. All during the interview, she kept kicking me under the chair as if in disbelief thinking am I really going through with this? I ignored her and we brought her in.
I felt she was working out, but aunt kept complaining she had no use for her, didn't have much for her to do and didn't see a need for her. Next thing I knew, cousin who lives near aunt discharged her.
When I put my foot down that I would not be running back and forth out of state whenever they (aunt and cousins) wanted or worse, moving down there to take care of aunt, cousin broke down and brought in new help to aunt.
They don't like it, but it's what they need and what you need, too, or you'll go crazy and burn out. Have to make them understand that it's not going to be you doing all of the care.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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Whodat Mar 15, 2025
Sister, I sooo agree with you! God bless you, and I’m not particularly religious. Everyone on this site needs strength to be where we are.
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Honestly. And the implication is in fact the truth.
It doesn't pay to attempt to get around the truth because often the elder UNDERSTANDS that it is the truth. Just my opinion. My brother had Lewy's dementia. In all the time he lived with it he was in earlier stages and we were ALWAYS honest. He said to me once "I am not glad to have what I have, but I am glad to be told about it so I can know why my world is now so different. I have fear about the future but I'm glad to know the truth".
I was an RN lifelong. Never lied to my patients. I simply believe it complicates things at the same time it robs them of the last of their dignity.

Don't expect a happy response. Life is now not about "happy" but about managing the best that can be done. You are attempting to keep the one you love content and at home.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I was the "only child" to 2 single, very elderly Aunts (that I grew up with) in their early 90s living in their own home many states away. It took me a while to convince them that they just needed a little help in their home (light housekeeping to start with). I also told them the companion was for my sake, since I fretted about them daily and the 1 Aunt was progressing in dementia. I posed the question: If there was 1 task or chore that you just hated doing and would be relieved to not do it, what would it be? For me it was cleaning our 3 showers in our house. Then I told my Aunt (without dementia) that when she was ready I had vetted a good place to provide in-home help. And then I didn't bring it up again.

Several months later she called me and said they were ready to have some help. I flew down there and interviewed several candidates from the agency. The first 2 weren't good fits but then we came upon Barbara "Angel" who was just awesome (same Italian from the Bronx background, same political views... just a sweetheart). She was there 5 days a week for 5-ish hrs per day. Took them on errands, did light housekeeping, played board games, made lunch for them, chit chatted. For 6 straight years then she retired. She came to both of their funerals. Just a gem. Worth all the effort for my Aunts and my peace of mind.

All that to say working to find the right person is very worth it -- this is what will help your LO to accept the aid. Definitely someone experienced or has common sense. Barbara Angel had taken care of her MIL and own Mother, so she had real-world experience with dementia.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You introduce them as someone who is coming to help YOU, stating that YOU now need more help around the house.
And this "helper" should not be "useless" but should help do things around your house while you are out and about like laundry, cleaning and even a little cooking, or whatever else you need help with.
Best wishes in getting the help you now need so you can out for some much needed breaks.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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My dad didn’t have dementia but still had huge resistance to having a helper in his home. We were blessed to hire an experienced caregiver who had the skills to quickly win him over. They actually became friends, we were amazed. Make sure the helper knows the situation and has the patience and talent to work at slowly befriending the person in need. Start with introducing the helper as your helper, someone to do things for you. Don’t apologize or act like it can be different. Wishing you well in this difficult time
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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