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My step- mom sometimes thinks my dad/her husband is her father and frantically looks for her husband. Her father passed away in the 1980’s and lived in Europe. Sometimes we can say that he is still in Europe and the man next to her is her husband and she is fine but other times for hours she is looking for her husband. What is the best way to support her as she looks for him? I’ve had him leave and call her then come back with a different shirt on and sometimes that work but most often not. My dad tries to go with it but it’s hard for him. She will get angry that her husband isn’t there while her « father is visiting. » We try to stay calm but it’s a difficult situation. What has worked for you? What do you say to calm things.

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Thank you for your thinking on this topic. All your responses were very helpful. I appreciate them. Thanks for taking the time to share.
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Really there isn't much more you or anyone else can do that isn't already being done for your mother. Yes, you can medicate her if she's fixating and it's making her agitated. Ask her doctor to prescribe some anti-anxiety medications like lorazepam that can be given to your mother as needed. In the liquid form, it works instantly.

Don't correct her on her father being dead. From what you say she has advanced dementia and telling her the truth will do nothing but shock her and will make the lives of the people who live with her and provide her care even harder than they already are.

Here is what you can do. I was a caregiver for 25 years as employment and often had care clients get angry and even abusive when their delusion wasn't going like they want it to.

When she's getting angry at you because her husband isn't there, you look her straight in the face and tell her very firmly,
"That's enough. You will not speak to me in this way". Then ignore her for a while. Let her wander around the house looking for her husband (if that's safe to do) until she tires herself out. Or have her doctor prescribe some medication as I said. There's nothing you or anyone else can say that will calm things. This is what dementia does.

I'm sure you've tried redirecting and distracting her. It's time to try some chemical calming. Ask her doctor to prescribe some liquid lorazepam that you can put in a drink and she will calm right down. This action is as much for you and your father as it is for her. Good luck.
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Sometimes leaving the room then reentering it can help. (try changing the shirt and before reentering call out..."Hi, honey I'm home." )

the important thing is that you not argue or try to convince her that she is wrong...that just upsets everyone involved.
Give her a bit of time then try again leaving the room and coming back in maybe even though a different doorway.
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She could have Capgrass Syndrome. You can Google to research what that is, but it's more common than people know.
And if it is, you or your dad can talk to her doctor about medications that may help.
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I'm sorry, it is hard when they forget you. I imagine in her own mind she is her younger self and I'm not sure there is any way to convince her that the old man living with her is the young husband she remembers and is looking for. Maybe going through photo albums of them through the years could help orient her to time and place, at least temporarily.
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