How to handle post-op for a parent who can't stay alone?

againx: I did see your update that you had to cancel your vacation. I am sorry. Prayers sent.

It seems that your mother should be in a rehab facility after a knee surgery. She would be in a safe place, getting good care and rehab, and you could call every night from your vacation. Also, let the social worker find a place, this is what they are good at. Don't let them put the onus on you to provide rehab.

Do not postpone a vacation! You need downtime too!!!! Send mom to sister's but get her in home help, so she is not over burdened. That way she gets breaks too.
Do not ruin your vacation bc mom wants you to come home. She might try that. Cant cope. She will be fine. Dont ruin your vacation. It is not being selfish, it is recharging. You need alone time too.
why cant sibling cope? Mom cant cope? Good grief. Yes they can. I wouldnt cave into that. No its your turn. I wouldnt go home if they call with an emergency, bc there might be one just so you come home. Time for someone else to step up. Your unavailable. Good luck.

Many people go to rehab after a knee replacement to get care and physical therapy. Seems like a perfect solution for your mom... and you still get that vacation too.

I see your update that the vacation needed to be scrubbed anyway but vacation or not I encourage you to consider letting Mom go to rehab anyway. Recovering from knee replacement is no picnic and everyone is different. My dad at 80 recovered beautifully but he also did all the PT prep, exercises each day before hand and had both his wife and I helping. His wife on the other hand Had hers replaced in her late 60’s maybe she was early 70’s and had a horrible recovery, still walks with a limp from constant pain, she should have gone to rehab before heading home. Rehab for most patient's, particularly elderly offers the best environment for rapid recovery. It doesn’t mean there won’t still be recovery time at home but the daily specific rehab and care makes it possible for the patient to go home mobile and able to do the things for themselves, for the most part, that they were able to do going into surgery. You know she will have every chance for a solid foundation on her recovery and the experts are rite there to minimize her pain. I won’t even get into the load it will lighten for you. Make it a given that going to rehab is the best thing for her recovery, an extension of the surgery (acute rehab is probably best if she qualifies) and visit her there rather than take on the responsibility of those first couple of weeks at home. I have no idea what kind of patient your mom is or the work she is willing to put in for her recovery but often a stranger and professional will get far more out of a patient than their loving caretaker, even health care professionals can have a harder time with their family member than they do with their non related patient's.

I would opt for rehab in a facility if the doctor would agree to that. (I discussed this with my doctor and he does not like rehab facilities for a variety of reasons)
If there is no rehab that she could go to then I would opt for a caregiver to come in.
A rehab facility is not a "nursing home" even though some rehab facilities have wings in the same building and many of the residents of the Skilled Nursing Facility do have rehab..
(a rehab facility just opened up near me it is a "resort spa" rehab looks amazing and sounds like it has high end luxury hotel type amenities. I would love to spend a week or two there!)

When people who have knee and hip replacements can’t care for themselves at home, they will need to go to a rehab facility to get care and PT. That is what you should do. Put the notion out of your head she will suffer. She is an adult and will do fine. On the other hand I do think your sister could buck up and at least go visit her in that facility. I just had a hip replaced 2 weeks ago, my second, and they are easier to rehab than a knee. But the caregiver has a lot of responsibility and duties. So if mom balks, tell her this is what the doctor recommends. And don’t get into a lengthy discussion or let her manipulate the outcome. Go on that vacation and enjoy it knowing she is looked after.
call the place she is having the surgery and find out how they handle sending a patient to rehab after discharge. They do this all the time.

When people who have knee and hip replacements can’t care for themselves at home, they will need to go to a rehab facility to get care and PT. That is what you should do. Put the notion out of your head she will suffer. She is an adult and will do fine. On the other hand I do think your sister could buck up and at least go visit her in that facility. I just had a hip replaced 2 weeks ago, my second, and they are easier to rehab than a knee. But the caregiver has a lot of responsibility and duties. So if mom balks, tell her this is what the doctor recommends. And don’t get into a lengthy discussion or let her manipulate the outcome. Go on that vacation and enjoy it knowing she is looked after

My answer you may not like. But, here is what I did. I hadn't seen my family in many years due to my husband's military career and settling across the US thousands of miles away. I arranged my husband to spend 22 days in respite care assisted living, where he was monitored every day with reminders to eat, they escorted him to dining rooms, checked he took his meds and showered, and many other chores. He would tell me by phone he missed me, but I didn't give him any time to complain, and I didn't give him any possibility of crying or moaning he didn't want me to go. It was my decision. It wasn't that expensive for the time he spent there, and, I was able to count days as "elimination period" off his long term insurance policy. For that time away, I didn't want a caregiver to come into the house and spend 24 hours there every day, and have access to documents that were private and not able to be put in safe. You have to take charge and "do it" and let Mom cry, beg, stomp her feet. It passes. Was I cruel? No, I was entitled to this vacation with my family I hadn't spent time with in over 55 years. You are entitled to this vacation, esp. if it is already paid for and no refund. The money you already spent on her travel can go towards her stay in a facility. Have fun.

So many caring, well thought out, helpful responses. Thank you! You are amazing.

Found out bad news today - IF hubby goes to FL, he will have to quarantine for TWO WEEKS prior to returning to work and he can not work from home so.....Had to cancel the vacation today!!!!

Hubby and I will do a combo of staycation and vacation in state so that he will not have to quarantine.

But the advice has been great and I will definitely use it in the future!

I see from your profile that your mother lives in your home. You need a break.

Take your vacation with your husband. Reschedule the surgery. Send your mother to her sister's house. Enjoy your vacation. There are too many unknowns - will she need inpatient rehab or not...will the surgery have complications or not - that your vacation will be ruined if everything with her surgery does not go according to plan. Come back from vacation refreshed and ready to deal with the surgery and its aftermath whatever that may be.

This was my experience. Mom fell due to Parkinson’s disease. Even without Parkinson’s disease though if a person doesn’t use muscles they become weak. Use it or lose it!

So, her doctor prescribed home health for her. It works! Even in older people like my mom (90’s), it’s helpful.

The exercises must be continuously done. My mom worked extremely hard when the therapist were around, then she would slack up afterwards. So, she would fall again.

The exercises also help with balance. The therapists are wonderful in targeting all areas.

Mom had to go to the emergency room at times. I spoke to the doctor and nurses in the hospital and asked about the benefits of doing rehab because I felt that she needed the intensity of workouts in a gym setting.

The hospital ordered it. I selected the facility and off she went to rehab. It does help. They push but never more than the residents can handle.

Please ask about home health as well. Mom did a follow up in home health after rehab.

Strengthening the core muscles is so beneficial. They will do physical and occupational therapy in home health.

I hope your mom will succeed with her rehab program. Best wishes to you and your mom.

Usually the hospital sets up rehab, in my area. Definitely look at some places to find ones that are acceptable, but it usually comes down to who has an open bed.

A friend of mine recently had a knee replacement and because she lived alone, was sent to a rehab facility for several weeks, before she returned to her home, so just let her Dr. know ahead of time that she will need to go to a rehab facility after her surgery since there will be no one to care for her at home. She'll be fine there, and get all the PT she needs, so go on your much needed vacation, and have peace that mom is being well taken care of. Have fun!!!

My Mum had a knee replacement at the beginning of September. I was very clear that I was not going to stay with her. She, not me, made arrangements for the first two weeks to have first her sister and second her step daughter stay with her.

Would it be easier for your sister, if she went to Mum's instead of Mum going to her place?

Can you talk to the surgeon about whether or not she could be placed in rehab for the first few weeks? I know my Mum came home on day 2 and has had out patient PT and does her exercises at home.

And yes, go on your much needed vacation.

Perhaps your sister could have an imaginary illness (infectious?) that means your mother can’t stay with her. Then respite care is explainable. And anyway, you and DH and your sister suffering are EACH just as important as respite care not going down well with mother.

Your Mom will almost certainly go to rehab, perhaps for as long as a month. You should discuss all of this with MD. Anything, of course, can happen with a major surgery, esp on a lower limb, and there could be blood clots, any kind of emergent situation. You will have to consider how comfortable you are with leaving, who will be STAYING, and how quickly you could come home in emergent situation.

Take your vacation. 100%. Do it. It would be selfish NOT to do it. It’s OK to put yourselves first.

As far as your mom, Medicare will pay for 21 days rehab at 100%. I would try to get her sent to rehab while you are gone. Just tell her the dr required it/prescribed it.

Arrange for her to do rehab in a facility. Is that a possibility?

Best wishes to you and your family.