How to get through worry and guilt when you don’t visit mom in MC for even a day or two?

I would think it would be confusing for your mom to be brought to your house for a while then brought back to her "home".
How do you know that she is "alone in her apartment after supper until breakfast"? Do you know for a fact that the staff brings her to her apartment and she stays there until breakfast? Or does she sit in the common room after dinner?
Going to bed early is pretty common for people with dementia and particularly people living in MC as the routine for staff is to help get residents ready for bed and then into bed. They will start with one person and then go to another. Same when they get people up in the morning so some get up much earlier than others and some get to bed later than others.
Spend your evening with your family.
You mention that you feel "guilty" if you do not visit for a day or two but your post sounds like you are there every day.
Your mom is getting the care she needs, she is safe.

My mother has been in a nursing home for a little over two years. Initially, I visited every day for several hours at a time. During the pandemic, I couldn't visit and it gave me perspective on what I could realistically do.

I have young teen kids and a full-time job. Visiting every day was unrealistic, especially as her NH is about 40 minutes each way. I wasn't able to be involved in my kid's activities, it was impacting my work and I was totally exhausted.

I now only go on the weekends. I am happier, able to be more involved with my kids which they love, and in a better place mentally. I did feel guilt initially, but when I realized my mother could be in the NH for years to come, I realized I couldn't continue feeling inadequate.

She is well cared for which is the most important thing to me as it allows me to fulfill all the other important parts/roles in my life.

I think you are doing the best that you can in a difficult situation. You are trying. I would change out G words as guilt belongs to evil criminals. I am afraid that's not you. You are grieving. You are grieving limitations. You are sad and hurting for your Mom and you are worry. That is the G word spelled "Grieving".
Explain to your family.
Know also that time is different for our loved one with dementia. They see things very differently.
Meanwhile you are keeping your Mom alive for your family. How do they feel about frequency of visits? Ask them. Ask if it's OK with them that she is there so much. If not you do need to adjust things a bit where you can.
You are doing great, woman. Celebrate yourself.

It sounds as though you are spending all or most evenings with your mother, either in your home or in her facility. This is nothing to be proud of – it almost sounds like co-dependency. She doesn’t need your care, she has care, so it’s just for company. Would you be doing the same if she was still living in her own home? Go there and ‘let your own family down’? Most elderly people spend quite a lot of time alone (and not just elderly people). Are you sure that your mother really needs you so much – or that you really need your mother so much?

Are you ‘guilty’ because she is old? Do you know how she would cope if you didn’t do this? Does she have an afternoon nap so that she can stay awake with you? Has she had the need and the opportunity to try to fit into the normal facility routines? And do you intend to do this for the rest of her life?

At least think about it, once you have stopped being angry! Remember that a good thing is that the site gives lots of different approaches. Best wishes, Margaret

From experience, you are trying to make yourself feel better at the expense of your mom. She needs consistency at her home in MC, not disruption every day. Once she's back at MC from your house, do you know what her behavior is? Just because facility is short handed doesn't mean your mom is not well taken care of and looked after. If you feel the need to feel guilty about something, feel guilty about disruption your mom and neglecting all the family members that are probably wanting more attention from you. With ALZ, it only confuses them more to disrupt their routines.

Yes, their time and our time is not the same. You could visit everyday and Mom could say "I have not seen u in a week". Their days just run into each other. Mom is in a different world than you. I too question you taking her home with you. Those suffering from Dementia do better with routine and better if left where things are familiar. Think about it, its you needing Mom not so much Mom needing you. She is in a world her mind has made for her.

My Moms AL was not 5 min away. I did visit everyday for 15 min to an hour but I was literally up the street. When she was placed in a NH 15 min away in another town, I visited every other day. My daughter RN, who has worked in NHs said I didn't have to go that much.

You need to slow down. Holding down a job is stress enough. Then u drive 40min to see Mom? Then try to get work done around the house and see ur kids. Moms OK, your family is #1.

How do you know Mom is "alone and confused"? I believe it when you say she gets lonely. However, loneliness is no respecter of places. You can feel lonely in a room full of friends or family.

It's not a good thing to bring her to your house anymore. It may make YOU feel better, but it won't be helping Mom. You mean well! But as others have said, people with alz/dementia NEED routine. They need as much consistency as possible, for as long as possible. Taking them out, even for dinner and back, disrupts their whole world.

My husband's grandma was in MC. Had dementia. My MIL of course felt bad about placing her (even though there was no other option and it was a great place) and thought taking her out to lunch or dinner would help. And it was okay the first few months or so. But soon grandma was getting agitated to be out. She would insist we take her back ASAP because "they won't let us back in if we're too late". She thought she was out of town and got worried that we couldn't find a hotel that night. Then she thought her daughter was moving away, which upset her-- what was a 20 minute drive to us, to grandma was an 8-hour car trip. Bear in mind, even in dementia she was never anxious or afraid. So when the anxiety showed up, we knew we had to stop taking her out.

She had her own place in MC with her own bathroom, and for days afterward, she'd forget where her bathroom is and it would take days to get her acclimated again. A dinner out was not worth the stress it put on grandma.

As dementia progresses, their world becomes smaller. Anything outside that world (aka MC) becomes unfamiliar and threatening.

You had very good reasons for deciding to place your mother and you acknowledge that she is content and relaxed in her MC.

It sounds as though you may be assuming a “fact not in evidence” about her evenings in her apartment. If she’s enjoying a full day of scheduled activities she may benefit from a settling down time at night.

Your efforts to bring her to you are so very well intentioned, but may be doing the opposite of what you’re hoping, and causing you additional stress as well. Have you tried leaving her in her own environment long enough to find out how she manages when she returns from your house in the evening?

I was VERY SURPRISED when my current LO had to be taken from her MC for a doctor’s appointment early in her stay.

We took her to the doctor and had intended to take her out to lunch afterward. We were totally shocked when she got in the car and said “Let’s go HOME”, and was referring to her apartment in the MC! We knew then for certain that she had become content with her own living arrangements.

You are a fine, kind daughter. You have found a residence for your dear mom that you trust. Now just trust a little more that she is receiving good, conscientious care. You can enjoy your family while knowing that all is well with her.

She is lucky to have you!

What you are feeling is 100% normal. My situation is a little bit different. My husband is in the veterans healthcare center and he has severe dementia but he still recognizes my voice. When I went to see him he asked me what my name is and how he knew me. It breaks my heart thinking he doesn’t know who I am but honestly I feel the pull every day to go see him. I leave there feeling extremely devastated heartbroken anxious and depressed and I know that I shouldn’t be going as often as I do because once I leave he doesn’t even remember I had been there. I’d beat myself up on a daily basis but I can’t help it. I miss him terribly but I couldn’t keep him home because he kept trying to leave, jump out of the moving car while I was driving, and the home health aids could not handle him once he was starting to leave he would not take no for an answer. He ended up in a locked unit for behavioral health last Father’s Day and he’s gone downhill so much in the last few months. Physically now I know that I couldn’t handle taking care of him because I just injured my back again and I’m having terrible sciatic pain down my leg and using a cane To get in and out of bed and the chair. I really don’t know what the answer is but my doctor and staff at the nursing home All tell me to take a break and visit every two or three days rather than every day. I’m going to try every other day and see how that goes. Good luck to you I hope you find peace in your heart and give yourself a break and spend time with your family. It won’t be long your children will leave the nest enjoy them while you have them.💜

What brings you joy? You said you enjoy your visits with your mom, but it sounds like you need to focus on joy in the moments that you are not with her as well. Guilt and empathy only taint your thoughts and rob you of the moments you should be enjoying alone or with your family. Focus on the “now”. I have found the practice of
mindfulness meditation to be helpful. If you search mindfulness on YouTube you might find some guided meditations that you’d enjoy. I also found joy and better focus in composing a list of things that I love to do whether it be to spend time with my kids and husband or go for a walk or read a magazine. Good luck and take extra good care of yourself.