So as my grandmother is dealing with dementia and is 92yo she needed to be where someone is available 24/7. She lived with my parents but they have 2 foster boys ages 5 & 7 and and she works part time and my Dad is disabled and retired and a dialysis patient so I'm single in my own home so we decided our best option was for them to move in to my house and that way I am always home since I work from home.

The problem is my grandmother feels like my dad should be sitting with her in her room 24/7. If he gets up to go to another room, she wants to know why he's going there, how long, where, etc. It's really ridiculous, she doesn't want to leave her room but doesn't want him too either. If he is tightening a door knob she will come scooting down the hall with her walker to "help" him. When he doesn't need help, she will ask him to come to her room for an hour (he could have been in there all day and only gone 5 minutes) but when he says he will be there in a little while her feelings are then hurt and she goes to her room and chair and sits and cries because he doesn't love her. It's driving him insane and we try to help but she wants her son (only child). The other day he was in the living room on the couch napping and she came in to the family room and asked my mom and I where he was, we said he was up front sleeping and she said Oh, OK, she asked again, same answer finally she turned and headed up the hall muttering and finally out loud said, well if they don' t want to tell me, I guess they just won't. She refuses to believe what anyone tells her and she obssesses about EVERYTHING from bathroom issues to where my dad is.

When she decides he should be home, he should just "poof" into the room. If I say he stopped at the store, she will ask if I'm lying to her. This is mentally exhausting as he needs a break from it and she is just relentless.

I'm just curious how other families handle these issues. Is there a way to deal with it and put her mind at ease? I have the most luck in dealing with her and things not escalating because I dont take it personal, I understand her mind is broken, or breaking down and she can't help it. So I stay upbeat and just twist everything to a more positive outcome but I also know that the decline in the last 2 months will continue and we are working with her doctor on adjusting meds and possibly adding something to calm her mind down.

I just found this site a week or 2 ago and the information I have found but just reading through the questions posted by real people dealing with the same things we are has been amazing!! I've gotten great ideas and tips and it's nice to read that we aren't alone at all.

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First off, the end of dementia is so sad - the person is lying on a bed, unable to eat, drink, speak, or walk. Is that what her doc is trying to save her from? If I get Alzheimer's, please give me drugs that will calm me down. If they take me out before I get to the point where my mthr is, I'll be thrilled!

Grandma needs a memory care facility. They will give her the socialization she wants while keeping her safe. If she is as fragile as the doc says, she qualifies for skilled nursing which can be covered by medicare. An alternative for her to stay in your home is to get hospice involved since doc thought she had less than 6 months. They will come to her for her medical needs, have aides available if she needs them, and provide incontinence supplies. They will help with getting the meds right to keep her happy, but she will pass sooner without the heart drugs. But honestly, living in fear with dementia is a horrible way to go and I'd rather leave sooner than later. Quality of life issues.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to surprise

It is her regular MD. She has Afib? I think it’s called. she has a valve that doesn’t work well And the top portion of her heart gets out of rhythm and slows down but her heart doctor advised against repair due to age unless it was her wish, they said she had a few months maybe before her heart would stop or she would have a heart attack. We just passed 1 year!

They just checked for UTI that was clear, it’s a common battle with her.

Their fear is if they give her anxiety meds etc it will slow her heart and ultimately shorten her life. He sent me home to consult with my dad and chose the “price we are willing to pay”. I think we are to the point we need meds or she does. Lol.

He has a social worker coming out to evaluate her as far as her memory/hallucinations go. She thinks a lady lives in her closet and if a door is locked (like a bathroom) she thinks men live here too. Lol. It’s a crazy roller coaster ride trying to keep up with her.
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Reply to Tannco

My daughter made fidget muffs by crocheting them but they can be sewn too, look them up.
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Reply to JoAnn29

Assuming your dad is grandma's POA, he should have a chat with her doctor to see if some medication can be prescribed to take the edge off of her anxiety and tendency towards OCD behaviors.

The best thing to do is to try & redirect a dementia patient toward another activity or topic when they get stuck on an idea or theme. Do you have some activities prepared for grandma when she does get to needing something to do? You may want to Google 'dementia activities' for some ideas on things to keep her occupied. You can also order fidget blankets on Amazon if you think she'd like something to keep her hands busy.

It's really a terrible dilemma we're all facing as a society with dementia & Alzheimer's these days. My mother who's also 92 lives in Memory Care and for that I am thankful every day. I'd never be able to care for her the way the Team does over there in the community. It often takes a village to care for such people.
My heart goes out to you for all you've taken on and all you're doing for your dad and your grandma. God bless you, dear woman.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to lealonnie1
Tannco Nov 12, 2019
I hadn’t thought about looking for dementia activities. She use to quilt and read, she won’t do either though she plans on it one again when she feels better. It’s such a sad thing to watch. She can’t remember my name 99% of the time and I’m “that girl” or she will knock on a wall because everyone shows up and she can get me that way.

I’ll look into the fidget blanket because she stays “busy” she has a hard time concentrating on TV unless my dad sits with her. Lol.

Her doctor is not real thrilled with perscribing meds at her age because he said it will shorten her life dramatically. I know it sounds awful but I wonder if that’s the worst that could happen? I mean if it gave her some peace?

thank you for your suggestions!
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