How to converse with a parent who has dementia?

Re: Repeated stories — yep, this is all new to you. Every. Time. You might try asking questions to lead you Mom down a different thought path. Ex: She’s telling you the story of a family wedding for the nth time this week. Ask her about other people who were there. Whatever happened to Uncle Bob? Did he ever get married? It probably won’t keep her from bringing up the original story again, but it will make things more interesting for you. Don’t even bother trying to correct her. She’s beyond it, now.

Re: The phone calls — She’s perseverating. Where does she live? Does she *need* to have access to a phone? Does she live alone? That should change. Is she in AL? Maybe no more phone? It sounds like some of the issues may be anxiety driven. Does her Dr have her on anything for that? You will never get her to commit anything to memory. Stop trying. If by some random quirk something does magically stick, rejoice! But don’t expect it on the regular.

Yes, that's what I do. I had to learn to do it though. I at first I tried to correct her and that was a disaster. You can make up different answers to amuse yourself and not get too bored with the repetition. My mom has a great sense of humor, so I can usually lead her into some fun with her questions or stories she tells over and over. My brother still gets frustrated with her, but after 7 years of this, I'm pretty interested in where her mind goes. But it really hurt my heart when she was worried about money matters, thought she only had $400 left, they were going to arrest her, and the bank was taking her house. She eventually gave up on that one, thank goodness. As a practical measure to calm your mom's fears or give her answers to her most common questions, try writing out the information for her close to the phone. She might see the answer before she calls. But my mom would see the answer and call just to make sure it was right and ask who wrote the note.

Yep, sounds like my 92 year old dad. He still lives on his own. He'll call and leave a long winded message and 20 minutes later he's calling to leave another message about the same thing because he can't remember if he called or not. We have had to just let it go. Where I have my struggles is when I am with him on Saturday's. My patience level is not the best. So sometimes I get short with him. My dad perseverates, too. Finally on Saturday, I had to tell him I wasn't going to discuss the subject we were on any more. His anxiety was up and he just goes on and on. I don't feel bad about calling him out sometimes. He has dementia but he is also very aware too.

Wow. I have tremendous sympathy for you because I have the same issues with my mother. I am admitting that I dread visiting her in the nursing home because it's the same questions over and over, and the same conversations we just had the night or day before, and I know that I get visibly frustrated which just makes me feel guilty and like a bad person.

Try to refocus her. My mother still does crossword puzzles, even hard ones, so we now pass the book back and forth and fill in 3 answers each and then confer. Not that she needs my help, but that makes it a shared experience. And, it stops the repetitive questions while we are doing the puzzles. Also, she loves Scrabble. I hate Scrabble, but I play it with her.

When her mind is occupied elsewhere, the questions stop.

Writing things down probably won't work all the time because she wants reassurance, or won't remember that they are written down.

One new idea: I did get a large dry-erase wall calendar, hung it on the wall where she can easily see and reach it, that is designed for a month. She loves it. I write in her appointments and people's birthdays, and I update it every time I visit, and also every month --- meaning to change the dates to the current month. And, she adds things too, sometimes -- nobody can read what she writes, but we don't tell her that. I got one that is also magnetic, with a side space to put stuff, so she can put photos on one side. When I first bought it, she said NO, she did not want it. After 2 months, she was totally on board.

On the phone, if she has the mental capacity, ask her what she watched on tv, or if she wants to know about the news, or just start telling her something that's happening that she used to be interested in. My mother gets a TV guide weekly. Yes, the printed kind. She circles what she wants to watch. At least twice a week, we talk about what's on, and whether she has circled it, etc. That makes her happy.

I think the proper approach is whatever you can manage without being driven to drink.

Of course you don't want to make your mother annoyed or frightened by not taking her calls. But you have to be fair to yourself; and it is worth bearing in mind that just as she can't retain the information, she won't either retain her annoyance at getting the voicemail message.

With the anecdotes, just join in as enthusiastically as you can; and try chipping in the odd question to see if you can divert her along a tangent.

Mom is just beginning to not be able to 'control' the dementia she has. She's aware of it, which is really sad. If you spend more than an hour with her, and she does most the talking, you start to notice that she is constantly repeating herself. Just ignore it. She has 5 kids, she can't remember to whom she's said what. I get a story 3 times and the other sibs don't hear a thing.

If I have heard a story more than 3 times, I change the subject entirely. She isn't aware and I don't want to hear the same story over and over.

She's also started co-opting other people's dramas. She tells the story of losing her gallbladder, when the truth is, I am the only kid to have had mine out and the story she tells about it is MINE. Right down to the Dr.'s name, whom I have long since forgotten. We don't correct her, there's no point.

Can't remember my grandkids names but can tell you the plot to a 50 yo Bonanza episode.

A few weeks ago mentioned I was going to the drs. She went off on a tirade about some Dr. named the same as mine. I guess that this doc was 'pill pusher' you could get anything from him, mostly narcotics. She was just NOT going to let this go, so I left with her wringing her hands that I was seeing a quack.

I googled this Dr she was talking about--and it was true--but happened in TN and happened over 15 years ago. Makes me wonder how short circuited her brain is becoming. And that's MY DNA too.

Yes, and isn't it fun?  I tell my mom I've already answered that and move on, but she is there in person when I say that.  My mom doesn't know how to operate a cell phone, so she has no phone unless she is using mine when I am there.  That helps cut down on the number of times I hear the same things over and over.  Just remember, patience is a virtue--whatever that means!  It takes some of us longer to learn that than others!  Do the best you can, grit your teeth, and remember that when you no longer have your mom, eventually you will forget the things like this that were irritating and will remember the "good times."

You handle it pretty well. We talk to my mother as if she is normal. How ever she responds we flow. We ensure to acknowledge everything she says. If we are talking to her about a thing and if her response is not related...we flow with that!
At times when she is centered and persistant on something, we redirect. Tell your mother that you'll get with her later so she can make sure you are doing everything right but you did pay her bills just like she asked you to.
Her repetition is a challenge but stay with it.

The proper approach is whatever works at that moment. We don't correct my Mom, we just go with it, and patience, patience, patience. Easy to say, and I get the repetition can be quite taxing! But, they can't help it and dementia can be frustrating and confusing for them, and us. My mom isn't really frustrated by her situation because she thinks she is fine and doesn't realize how extensive her memory is impaired, which I actually see as a blessing. Maybe sometimes ignorance is bliss. It is for her and I am thankful for that.

And, my suggestion, if she calls you 20 minutes after the last call and doesn't remember the previous call? Just keep in mind, it's apparently new to her. All over again! Just may be best to go with it, like it's the first time, because in her mind it is the first time.

This may sound odd, but sometimes I think about some of the shenanigans that I pulled as a kid and how when I look back, my parents must have wondered? Oh my, where did we go wrong? Luckily, I kinda think I turned out ok, thanks to them and their patience and understanding, and now take care of my Mom. They were patient with me, and now I try my best to be with her.

Also, like LuvingSon said...the flow. Just go with it. It's like ocean waves. You can jump over them, go under them, stand there and go right through them. Or jump on a raft and float over them. But control or change them? Um, no. Not possible, just like dementia. It is what it is, and we all deal with it the best we can.

Is she still able to write? Maybe suggest she write down her concerns and your answers to them. Have her put it on fridge or by phone maybe she will see her problems have been answered and relax a little.

Tough to deal with, no doubt. It's soooo boring, to me. I guess correcting and reminding won't help cuz she won't remember. I like the idea about asking questions to steer the convo in a slightly different direction. Though you can't really "trust" the answers since there's often confabulation involved as well.

Just had another exhausting afternoon with my dad. I go over every Saturday to help him with paperwork, bills, etc. Repeating and repeating myself over and over when he asks the same question over and over. He must have asked 3 times what we got in the mail. Then he wants to put a stamp on the envelope for a bill he hasn't even taken out of the envelope yet. Went through that a couple times ('No, dad. You need to take the bill out of the envelope, write a check then put it in the envelope they give you and THEN you can put the stamp on it'). Then he wants to write a check to put in the envelope for his ballot for an upcoming primary election (school bond) thinking it is a bill to pay. As far as confusion, this is probably the worst I've seen. But then a few minutes later, he can be totally put together. It's such an up and down thing.

SoninPA

My mom is 84 (headed for 85). Not very alert and not very social, Guess what? Same problem! When she does chat, she can’t remember the thought from one minute to the next. Will repeat the same thought over and over or ask the same question over and over.

My reaction varies. I can act as if the question, thought, or whatever subject matter was just spoken. Other times I ask the Lord and Jesus to help me. I do the redirect and question along the same lines or totally different. Other times, I would rater run out in the street and get hit by a bus because I'm dealing with two elders and a mentally ill sister. Most times, it is the first two because all I can think is what if this is me later in life.

Now my dad has not been diagnosed (85). But he will call as your mom about a bill that I have just taken him out to pay (taking mind you) before leaving him for the day and you guessed it, he doesn’t remember. You’re going to have me paying late fees blah, blah, blah. We have gone to church together and by the time I’ve made that 40 plus minute drive back home, he swears he has not been to church, a medical appointment, etc.

You can try, but I don’t think writing it out will help. The paper will either get misplaced or it can be right under the nose, and will be forgotten. Tried that for phone numbers, medical appointments, etc. Big old calendar on the wall with notes, big chalk board, and well.

Mom will at times drift far away it seems and I’ll have to do something silly to bring her back. Yesterday potty visit was a challenge as I helped her remember where to grab to help me help her get there safely. Challenge bank head, omg.

The difference between mom and dad is that he is becoming abrasive whereas mom is still a sweetheart. I’m thinking his Citalopram will have to be changed.

This forum helps just knowing you're not alone.

Blessing to you and family!

Be patient and Supportive and Enjoy what you can NOW...It gets worse, Cherish those Times she was Much Better.

My mother does the EXACT same thing. She can't stay focused on a topic, and asks the same questions over and over. It is frustrating and stressful. The other day she called, said she really wanted to hear my voice, and then started wandering through her house going "Can you hear me? I can't hear you!" over and over again. And she uses email and texting and she still can't remember things. Honestly, I've just learned to try and remind her gently, and say things like, "Don't worry! Everything is all set!" even if we've discussed it ten times. One day she lost an email I had sent, she freaked out and accused me of not having sent it, I was out hiking and got literally 40 texts in the hour despite me telling her I would resend it the second I got home, needless to say I was super annoyed and ended up crying during my hike. I resent her the email and she accused me of it being the wrong document. We went around and around in circles, I told her a few times, the right information IS there. She finally signed and said she'd look later. That was weeks ago and she apparently completely forgot about it. I've had to learn to ignore calls and block her texts sometimes, especially during the work week. Sometimes a quick, "Ok Mom! I'll do that!" (even when I've done the damn thing already) sufficies. It's surely exhausting. Best thing you can do is remind yourself she's not doing this on purpose, and just laugh it off if you can . . . and talk to your friends and supports.

One of our healthcare advisers showed me my husband’s brain scans and pointed out the areas that were being destroyed pretty systematically - by biotoxins or molds or nutritional snafus or lack of brain exercise, etc. He explained the function of exactly those parts I could see were deteriorated and it really helped me de-personalize things.

Examples: “This is the part of his brain that was able to make plans and execute them. You can see it’s shrunk a lot. This is the part that turns thoughts into words. Shrunken, too. This is the part that determines threat level — it no longer knows how to move from “I’m scared” to “Oh, that’s not anything scary - that’s my wife trying to help me.” Here’s the part that moves something from short- to long-term memory. You can see it is no longer functioning, hence the constant repetitions.”

So now I’m often (working on usually) able to interrupt my knee-jerk irritation by reminding myself, “oh yeah, that’s because the brain cells that know about that are no longer available.” Something about the specificity and the physical visibility of the damage was very freeing for me.

First question I have to ask is Where is your Mom living? Is she at home or in a Memory Care Facility? If at home is someone with her or is she alone?
These might be questions and answers for another post but...She should probably not be alone.

To your question.
You have the same conversations with her.
She will not remember even if she writes it down. Soon she will forget how to write or what the written word means.

If she is in a facility maybe you can enlist them to help curb the phone calls. If she is living at home with someone maybe they can help curb the calls.
If Mom does understand what is written if you can get a large White Board and write some of the things down that she calls about that might help her for a while.

But for conversations..you will have the same conversations. You can re direct, you can re word your conversations but she will not remember those either.

our family is in the same predicament. Mom is 92 and has been in nursing home for a year and a half; lucky in that way. In moms' younger years; board games were always played and thankfully, we still do that rather then sitting and just talking. Sometimes, we take a small walk around complex to stir her mind from endless conversations. It is so hard for the family; and I couldn't understand why mom couldn't write down things when conversing on phone; but, she never did that in her lifetime. Last week, mom called one daughter 6 times in a day.

I think it is up to you; to your patience level. Too soon, this ‘phase’ will pass and you may miss these conversations with your mom.

I pray for patience and wisdom every time I visit my dad, who has the same symptoms of Dimentia. And I printed out the poem in this link (https://www.theseniorlist.com/blog/do-not-ask-me-to-remember-an-alzheimers-poem/) and posted it on my refrigerator. Read it frequently. It helps.

Sadly, if this is dementia-related memory loss it's a fact of life for you and for your mother, from now on. (But: make sure there is no vitamin deficiency or illness affecting her.) To put a positive face on this, be glad she still has enough cognition to know she needs information and is able to express her questions. There is no way to get her to "commit to memory." You might get here to write some things down but she may forget to look at the note!

Your patience and love will be tried, for sure. If you can manage not to be stressed and not to stress your mom out, this is important. (If she gets stressed this will impair her memory even more.)

As "JesusCare" said below, some day you may miss all these questions and will be grateful that your mother turned to you in her time of need.

Some things ,like the bills, can you hang up a calendar and mark off things like “ paid electric today”? We have encouraged my mother to cross off the days as they go by since it’s hard to keep them straight but if she can, she will see that was paid

as to the conversations see if you can change the channel so to speak. When my mom does this I’ll focus on a name or something and bring up a question or point pertaining to them and get on a different path.

Last summer when we moved my mom from one AL to another for financial reasons she called me every day asking what we were going to do with her extra furniture and clothes. I reassured her it would all be taken care of the day of the move. Yet she forgot every conversation and when we went to move her she had given away almost all of her clothes and personal items because she thought her new closet would be too small and since it was summer she didn't think she'd need to take winter clothes. We needed to get her a cell phone for her new room but now she never calls me at all because she can't remember how to use the phone. That's almost a blessing. I live out of state so I call her several times a week but the conversation is always the same and we talk about the same exact things three times within a half hour. Some calls are happy and I can make her laugh, other calls are awful (for instance she had dates mixed up and was frantic because she was waiting for my brother to visit her on her birthday and he didn't come, but he had actually told her he would be there for Easter which was a few days after her birthday) and I cut the awful ones short because I know she will not remember later anyway.

I learned the hard way with my mother and my aunt, it's best to go with the flow when they ask the same things over and over again. Yes, it drives you crazy, but when you get annoyed about it, they in turn become very agitated and the situation escalates. So just try to put some humor into the situation and go with it.

And not to be morbid, but as your mother's disease progresses she will likely lose her ability to speak and to use the telephone. This difficult time will not last forever, just try and remind yourself of that.

My mother is now in a nursing home and tries so hard to converse with me, but everything that comes out is gibberish. That is very difficult, and I find myself just agreeing with everything but sometimes I'm not so sure what I'm agreeing to! My mother has vascular dementia. My aunt had alzheimers, she is now passed, but she kept her ability to speak up until about a month before she passed away. At the same time she was unable to swallow. It has been a very arduous journey, as both of their diseases have presented in very different ways.

Now I visit my mother at her meal times. This way, I feed her and it is a way for us to bond and have a meaningful visit.

My best answer is treat the questions like they are asked for the first time. If you are constantly pointing out her mistakes or telling her she already told you that she will get upset.
Mom's speech therapist told me some things, depending on the type of dementia, can move from short term memory to long term memory, but it takes a lot of time and repetition and even then doesn't always happen. The brain is a miraculous organ. Every night when I tuck my mom in I tell her to stay in bed and don't get up. She now can tell that to me. I will ask her what I always say and she will say stay in bed and don't get up unless I have to go to the bathroom. Does it stop her from wandering the house? Sometimes I think it does. Sometimes she is out of her own head and doesn't have any control over it.
If you are constantly pointing out negative things she will get upset, turn away from you and also feel like she is dumb. I'm sure you don't want her feeling like that. Believe me, I know it gets old fast, but overall, it will keep her calmer and happier.
One of the hardest things for me as a caregiver is living my life like "50 First Dates" and answering the same questions over and over and over, but it is a fact of life in my life and will be there until she eventually stops communicating and I know then I will wish she would pelt me with questions. I try distraction and redirection when she gets into the same thought spiral over and over, but mostly I just have to ride it out and remember it isn't her choice to be like this. She is doing the best she possibly can.

One thing I learned too late is not to say "You already told me that." - after the elder has repeated the same thing 1,001x over. You could say "Oh, really?" or other pleasantries.

Let me answer this from the other side... I can't always remember if I've told something or asked something before when having a conversation. (Thank God we are talking about doing this days apart, not every five minutes) . My sister in law is the worst. She'll stop me and tell me "You already told me that." Okay, fair enough. (although it wouldn't kill her to hear it again). But sometimes I know I've said it before but will say a part of it to explain why I'm telling them something new. (My memory is still good enough to know the difference) but I need to start with the first part to get the 2nd part out. She'll stop me again at which I point out that , yes I know but I wanted to add....." But by then I've forgotten what it was I wanted to tell her. (and don't get me started on the looks I get from her when I can't bring up a name of an item around the house). I know I'm slipping. But when a person won't give you the courtesy of putting up with something you can't always help is cruel. Don't do it. Just do what others have said, listen and then answer it again. It won't kill you and you will make them feel a whole lot better about themselves instead of feeling bad they even bothered you.

Above all else keep YOUR sanity intact - if screening calls does that then do so because we all have done it too -

My mom got it into her head to call her lawyer .... 9 times on a holiday weekend & secretary was off on vacation so lawyer had to figure out what calls were - they made no sense so lawyer asked me to take away her phone & sent us a bill for $200.00 - I called & asked the nurse to unplug any wire so that when I got there I told mom her phone wasn't working even trying to call it from my cell but it didn't work so I took off for 'repairs' - she only asked for it twice

Maybe it is time for your mom's phone to go [ I assume that she is in care with a memory like that you describe ] - there is a general use phone & my mom used it a few times but rarely - by the time she decides she wants to call you, then gets your phone number, then goes to the phone she may well have forgotten what/that she wanted to call - something to think about

I live in assisted living and while I do all I can to stay away from people with dementia, I occasionally do talk with them. When they have told me something already, I immediately nicely tell them that they have already told me this or that many times and I immediately change the topic. They look at me confused but it saves my sanity and gets them to stop repeating. I am going to be 86 but I live life like I did when I was in my 30's and my mind is nearly having a photographic memory. The more I study new things, work at two jobs, and deal with people who are very intelligent and motivating, I am improving my memory skills and am happier. I can't deal with people who have dementia - I go insane. Tell her right off - she already told you or you already told her. Cut it off at once. And do not allow people with dementia to destroy you with their behavior - stop them before that happens and if need be, stay away from them. Tough but necessity if people don't want to go insane. I am known as a good listener and have many friends who truly care about me. They know I will always listen and help them in any way possible. However, I don't have the tolerance for people who repeat things over and over again and will politely stop it at once. I am too highly energetic, motivated and a super achiever and I simply cannot spare the time for this nonsense when I have so much I want to achieve and accomplish daily. If people can handle it, fine - do it. If they can't handle it, do not allow it. We are all different in what we can or can't do.