I wrote in previously about my mother who passed in March and my father breaking down every time he would ask if something happened to his wife even though he was in the room when she passed.
I went with the advice given by the forum contributors to just tell him she was out somewhere, shopping, etc. I told him she is in the hospital again but unable to speak because she is being sedated due to the tube in her mouth. Well that has worked so far, but he is highly suspicious and seems to be recalling bits and pieces of our "fibs". He is wanting to call the hospital so he can talk to her. When I tell him she cant talk, he says he will just talk to her and let her know how much he loves her. THIS IS BREAKING MY HEART! I feel like I need to tell him at some point but this will kill him and banish all will to live. He could always smell a rotten story (he is the father of four girls he had to be vigilant while we were growing up) and he seems to be questioning me and my sisters more and more. What can we do at this point??? If I tell the truth now he will never trust me (but may forget) again and be even more confused. Any suggestions will definitely be taken into consideration.
Thank you for listening.
Therapeutic fibs are helpful in some situations but they have their limits. I'm sorry you're all having to deal with this.
It seems this isn’t true, because he IS remembering. He is ‘highly suspicious and seems to be recalling bits and pieces of our "fibs”’. I’m not surprised that you are worrying about the trust issue.
My own feeling is that the best reaction is to tell him the whole exact truth. That he was present when your mother died in the hospital room, and describe it and who was there. Then say how upset you were when shortly afterwards he didn’t remember. Now you think that the stress was the reason and that it was temporary, but at the time you really believed that he had completely forgotten.
Say that you were so upset that you asked for advice. The advice was not to tell him because if he couldn’t remember it, he would be hurt terribly each time he heard it fresh. Tell him that now you realise that you got it wrong, and you are also very upset about it. Now it hurts YOU afresh every time it comes up. Tell him that your are very worried that he will be angry, and that he won’t trust you in future.
Ask what you can do to make up for your best intentions that have gone so wrong. If it were me, I’d cry! It’s justified, and it may help him to forgive you. Telling the truth is difficult, but it means that you can’t get a story mixed up again. Surely that would be worse! When it comes up again, you can say 'Don't you remember, we talked about it yesterday /last week, don't let's do it again'.
Geaton's framed photo sounds like a good little bit of help, too. Giving it to him could be a nice way to finish this difficult conversation. I send you my very best wishes, and hopes that it goes as well as possible. Yours, Margaret