How do you tell a parent that you want them to move out?

You might think about if the roles were reversed. You are a20 something adult still living at home and your parents want you to move out. They would ask and you would comply. So there is no need to feel you are a bad person for wanting a normal life with your husband. Your mom can be around her peers and socialize and stop being so dependent. Yes AL is expensive but what is her money for? It’s to support her living expenses. And if she lives long enough to run out, then you deal with that and apply for Medicaid.
Nothing wrong with setting boundaries. Have a talk with a counselor if that will help you settle your mind and how to broach this subject. Go in realistically and don’t expect your mom to do cartwheels. Of course, it will be a shock to her but you're mental health and marriage needs to be a priority too.
if you decide to not move her then find a place that will accept her for respite and get away.

You need to make your other sister step up wether she wants to or not . Your mothers care should be a family issue you share . It’s awful when all the bourbon is put on only one person. You should start looking for some other older woman that may need a companion . Where they can befriend each other and split the bills . Which would help
everyone. There are always single elderly needing help with bills that will share their home. Hope you get the help you need . God bless 🙏🙏

My suggestion is that you need to look into feasible alternatives first and then have the discussion. Quite often that means you are in a position to reassure as you have thought through the queries. It also means there is something solid and forward thinking for your mum to consider.
You will need to be sure and firm about it - otherwise it will just be a negative discussion with no positive outcome.
Your husband sounds very supportive - maybe get him to help.
Good luck!

Is there an an adult day care center or senior activity center (with a bus service if needed) run by your county or a church that she could go to during the daytime. It would help her develop a social circle, enjoy activities, make her less emotionally dependent on you. It will provide needed physical and emotional space gor all of you.
Otherwise find a new interest or hobby for her. Try an art class, glass art, knitting etc at a local community center, bingo,

Call a counselor at your local agency on Aging for suggestions on programs & activities and perhaps a family counselor for some guidance and therapy.

It sounds like moving her is a financially expensive short term solution that will create additional problems later on when her money is gone
Beat wishes

Againx100,

I feel your pain. I truly do! I was in your shoes. I cared for my mom for 15 long years.

It wasn’t bad when mom first moved in. I wanted her with us. She needed us after losing her home in a major Hurricane.

I just wish that I would have had the foresight to know that it would have been best as a temporary measure until we found placement in a facility.

As time goes on things become more awkward to arrange.

The truth is that none of us realize how hard it will become, right?

Then we face the hard truth, that the relationship does decline with our parents when we are stressed out!

Plus our marriages take a hit while caregiving.

As you say, it certainly does drive us crazy!

It won’t get any easier. It will only become harder.

So what is the next step? Mom can move into an assisted living facility. Start looking now.

Don’t be concerned about the cost. It is money well spent for the correct intended purpose.

How old is your mom? What is her overall health?

So sorry that you are struggling more and more.

I know that it’s hard to deal with. I do understand how you feel.

I had a variety of feelings before my mom moved out of my home.

You are not wrong to want your life back with your husband. I wanted that too.

My husband was extremely understanding but he wanted time alone with me just as much as I wanted time alone with him.

It takes awhile to sort out our feelings. After you have stepped away, it will become clearer for you and you will feel like the weight of the world is lifted off your shoulders.

All the best. Take care.

You don't know if you could live with yourself after asking your mother to leave, and you can't live like this.......so what's the answer? You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

So, you pick the lesser of the two evils which is, you tell mother she has to move out, but that you'll help her get settled in a new place and you won't be deserting her, etc. Like Alva said, it's "Me not you, mom' and all that jazz. Truth is, mom, I'm too old for this & my marriage is suffering. DH would never say a word, so I'm speaking for BOTH of us: we need our alone time now. Yep, blame it on the marriage needing rejuvenation. Hard to argue with, something like that! What is she going to say? Oh just go right ahead and have wild monkey sex with me in the next room? LOL

You made a mistake moving your mother in. But it's fixable now. A much much bigger mistake would be to CONTINUE having her live with you for the next decade or two.............that would be the REAL mistake. Cut your losses now, kindly, and move on.

Your mother's money is there to be spent on the best available care for her. She can go to an ALF at the lowest care level now, and then move up as her needs increase. Look around for a privately owned place (that's my recommendation) b/c corporate owned places love to PRICE GAUGE and raise rates monthly for incidental nonsense which they look for with a microscope.

When her $$$ runs out, you apply for Medicaid and she'll be placed accordingly. Stop thinking of this as a punishment and start thinking of it as adult day camp, b/c that's what it IS. My mother has been fed and entertained and cared for in AL and now MC since 2014. She would have been even MORE miserable than she normally is if she lived with me b/c there would be NO entertainment and nobody to canoodle with and complain to 24/7. No young girls to laugh and fool around with and help her shower and all that. They tell her their life stories and boyfriend/hubby troubles and she eats it up with a spoon. She's even had men invite her on cruises! Truthfully, it's not the horror show some around here make it out to be. We should all be so lucky as to afford AL when we get to be their age.

Do it and don't look back. You'll be glad you did and your mother will be FINE!
Good luck!

After her money is gone, the system gives her such care as can be given with the help of federal and state government is the answer to money question. Pure and simple.
As to whether you choose to live like this, that is yours to answer. I would last until vaccinations if you are able.
As to how to tell her, try this:
"Mom, you know I love you. We are different people who have differences but this isn't a question of love. This is a question of limitations; I have just bumped up against my own. I am sorry I didn't know before you moved in, but I do know now. I cannot live with you. To be frank, sweet and perfect my hubby is, it isn't easy for me to live with anyone, and it is impossible for me to live with you. We would end with a broken relationship. The last thing we need. I will promise you I would not desert you, and will help you where and how I can, but I am so sorry to have to tell you I cannot live with you. This isn't your fault. It is my limitation. And I am sorry for it, but this is my one life, and it will not change. I think now I need to tell you that we will work on this together; I can wait a few months, but we must start now. A apologize Mom for all my failings. I am not a Saint. It's a bad job description, anyway, Sainthood. I love you. But this won't work for me".

Now you can shorten it or lengthen it. Make it clear it is not about her. It is about you. You simply are not up to it, and you WON'T be up to it, and you will accept the judgement of any and all, and will gladly take the blame. It isn't argument. It is fact. As to now grief or guilt? I would choose the former. You are not a felon. You are a human being with a right to live her own life, and with the sadness and grief that decision brings.
Other choice? Martyr yourself on the altar of this for a few decades. Some may praise you, but very few. They will say it was your choice. You did it because you CHOSE to do it. And what you accept to do you are exPECTED to do.