I have no option, but am living kind of Walton's style in a house with extended family inc. both of my elderly parents. I am the eldest daughter and have no partner - divorce many years ago. I have one teenage son still living with us, my daughter is at University. I work from home!!
In the last 5 years+ or so my mother (77) who on the face of things still has most of her proverbial marbles and, despite several ailments is still reasonably active and insists on still looking after everyone (esp. the cooking), has become increasingly difficult to live with. She finds fault with absolutely everything and everyone esp. my long-suffering father. She has an emotional dagger and knows how to use it. She won't take any criticism and frequently threatens to walk out of the house and get a place of her own (though I think she would be bored stiff). I took on taking her to task a couple of years ago - it resulted in a catastrophic row and me being apparently thrown out, placing a £1000 deposit on a rented house that I subsequently lost when my father stepped up and sorted things that I didn't then leave - an event that she now conveniently doesn't seem to recall. She shows none of this to any visitors - all of whom think she is 'wonderful', but my father, myself and my kids (esp. my daughter) all see the behaviour and we comment on it between us so I believe it is out of the ordinary.
I'd like to know if such behaviours could possibly indicate some form of dementia. Then if so, given the fact that she'd throw an extreme wobbly if I even gently suggested there was something wrong with her that might need medical input, how do you go about dealing with it? We have discovered that you absolutely can't even suggest she might be remotely wrong without showing off, shouting, screaming that we all put too much on her, when most of what she does in the household she does off her own back anyway. It's like walking on eggs living just day to day - the latest hiccup about half an hour ago when my father (82) made the pot of tea at the wrong time (about 10 minutes earlier than he normally would) - this immediately led to her REALLY taking him to task because she "wasn't ready for it yet". I also swear that she deliberately makes heavy weather of doing tasks like cleaning and cooking with loads of sighing whilst I work (daily 8-5 at desk) just to make me feel guilty that I'm not helping. Oh, dear I'm now into rambling mode, I'd better stop.
This makes it a really bad situation. Your mother isn't exhibiting any signs of real dementia I can see, only signs of a lot of stress and normal aging changes. She seems to be fighting for control.
I am 77 and find more and more I just like peace and to be allowed to do my own thing. I rarely like to cook anymore, but when I do I can make a wholloping huge amount of spaghetti sauce or beans and freeze them up. I putter about the garden, listen to my podcasts, read, walk the dog, put on the radio. And it's enough. I wouldn't want, in all truth, my marvelous daughter and her wonderful college age son here. That's just me. And I am afraid that the suggestion by said daughter that I go for testing because, yes, I am a bit forgetful? Hee hee. I wouldn't much be happy about it. Not one little bit. So perspective there from someone perhaps a bit like Mom? You say you are working at home. Hon, I just like to be ALONE lots of the time. I would go nuts. And yeah, I sigh over housework now, and have only a small apartment, me and my partner and one little old dog. But the knees ache. The back aches. The teeth fracture. When I gotta go I gotta go. And sometimes it is all too much.
That's my honest input. I wonder if just sitting with Mom would help. It would help me in this circumstance. Just saying "You seem so much more stressed than I remember. Is it me? Is it me and your grandson? Is it really hard right now to have us around, or do you like it, or is it kind of a 50-50 things. Would you like someplace smaller to worry about? Do you have any ideas how we can help you? I love you and I only want you happy. Is there anything I can do to help?"
I am wishing you good luck.Might be time for a talk. I hope if you come up with anything that helps you will let those on forum know, because your situation isn't unique
@Sendhelp - we do all eat at the same time, that's part of the issue - it would be far easier if we didn't and I cooked for my part of the family, but when I've tried it she has somehow contrived so that she ends up doing most of the food again. I do sometimes do everything when I can, but she sometimes forgets that if I worked in an office I would be out of the house until gone 5pm everyday and just because I work from home scarcely changes those hours and really nor should it.
Anyhow, thanks for all listening, just writing it all down helps.
Is it at all possible to change your work at home schedule to eat at dinner time with the family?
The family that eats together, stays together.
In our case, my grandma had a few moments that seemed really odd in her early 70s but they seemed isolated. Then in her late 70s and early 80s, she began having a harder time with multi-step tasks, following doctors' explanations, being very forgetful, etc. In retrospect we could see there were other signs in between those two points, but at the time we weren't putting all the pieces together.
If you feel comfortable with it, you or your dad could call the doctor and express concern. They might be able to order tests to see if there's any evidence of small strokes. At the very least he or she might be able to address your mom's increased anxiety at her next appointment.
There are also lots of medical conditions that can mimic anxiety or cause people to behave more irrationally (e.g. blood sugar being out of whack, heart issues, UTI, COPD, electrolyte imbalance) and most can be easily checked. Even though it doesn't sound like your mom's behavior is completely out of character, it sounds like you are picking up on something new. I would listen to your gut feeling and see if maybe you can go with her and your dad the next time she has an appointment. I'm sorry you are going through this -- it sounds very stressful! And if your mom has "issues" like a personality disorder, it will make it very hard to address it directly with her. If you are able, I think maybe it's simpler to ask the doctor to address things delicately.
Maybe Mom feels her house her responsibility. She may be experiencing some stress and depression. At her age a good physical would be a good thing. There's all kind of things that can cause her being like this.
Walking on eggshells everyday sounds awful. What if you didn't walk on eggshells? There's all this swirling chaos around your mom because of her personality and she has you and your family under her thumb. What would happen if you and your family decided to stop trying not to upset her? I'm not saying upset her on purpose but what if you all just decided to live normally instead of bouncing from outburst to outburst by your mom? Don't pay any attention to her? You can't expect her to change her ways but you and your family can change yours.
You sum it up nicely at the start of your 2nd para above. That's just the situation. I've just been offered an opportunity to say light-heartedly that she walks all over me and got told "Well I've decided I'm fed up with being walked all over so I'm starting to be deliberately more forceful and nasty to get my own way". I don't think she is walked all over - most of the time she chooses to do all the work she says she doesn't have any option, but to do. She won't let me cook - if I decide to start doing so, before many days she is running in to my room with left over veg, meat, and saying it doesn't make financial sense to run two stoves so it's easier to do it all in one place, then because she wants to eat at 1730 when I am working and can't do mine until later it's all done earlier and then I get it in the neck for not helping cook dinner when I'd be perfectly happy to cook and eat later. That sort of scenario persists all day.
The moment she thinks she is being 'walked all over' or someone has ignored her advice (which you must understand is always correct!!!) she goes off the wall. I've had threats to take bottles of pills, I've even seen her smash on the ground the subject of the arguments, like paving slabs and ornaments so that the projects can't be continued with and, I guess, so she can't lose the argument. It's also very odd that she can go instantly from being actually quite pleasant to quite the reverse in moments.
I try to let the raging go over my head, and think 'its just mother being mother' again, but at the end of the day I am still subjected to it as is the rest of the family whether we choose to ignore it or not and this hardly seems fair.