My dad passed away almost 8 weeks ago. I am the oldest child with 2 younger siblings. 2/3 do not live near my mother (completely opposite areas of the country) and the other will be moving away soon also. My mother (76 years old) is unable to care for herself in most aspects; my dad cooked, cleaned, paid the bills, drove, etc.
I stayed around to help for a couple weeks, but had to return to my own life. I am helping remotely with bills and anything else that I can since I have PoA. I would like for her to move closer to one of her daughters ASAP to put my own mind at ease since there have been a few questionable incidents like getting lost, nearly catching the house on fire, falling for every scam in the mail.
She visited each of us after about 6 weeks to look at options. Even says she liked a place near me, but "doesn't want to rush her decision." Am I being unreasonable and selfish to say that it's just too much for my own mental health to be in a state of constant worry? Her situation has completely hijacked my waking thoughts and even entered my dreams.
What do you do to help her not feel rushed but also consider the siblings involved in her near-constant care? I've thought of and already begun documenting in case I need to have her declared incompetent, but I hope there is a better solution for everyone involved.
If she cooperates with planning on where to go before the crisis, she will have more say in the matter. This is what I told my mom and it worked. With me doing / coordinating everything, they moved near me.
But please know that CaringwifeAZ and Onlychild2024 are 100% correct.
Moving my parents 850 miles to a house 3 miles from my home 3 years ago did not reduce my worry in the least. It did give me eyes on the situation in real time, and made me feel a lot more responsible for everything. I took on a LOT more responsibility and caretaking. I would say I average 6-10 hours per week there on top of my full time job. And it’s an ongoing struggle to maintain boundaries and avoid “scope creep” because she would prefer me to do more and be there more.
I went from visiting them 3-4 times per year before they moved to visiting 3-4 times per week. Yes, you can become the “first responder” to every burnt-out lightbulb, spill in the refrigerator, and every issue from the most mundane to the most existential. In my case, the whole “what comes next” in terms of a fall, other crisis, home health aide, or Assisted living, still consumes a lot of my mental bandwidth. I still wish I had convinced them to move directly to a continuum of care place near me when they moved, but they wouldn’t hear of it. This is my biggest advice. Insist it is necessary. Not that the worry stops then either! It’s just that they have systems built in to address most of the practical matters and importantly, to address the future declines that are inevitable.
Good luck. Best wishes.
We have her signed up for the place near me that has continuum of care, but she is saying "it's too fast" and that she wishes she had the opportunity to see places near where sibling #3 is moving. She also says she may move every year (because she's not handling the cross-country move details).
I just don't know what to do. I know being in a facility is what is best for both her safety and my mental health, but she's obviously not fully on board if she is still making these kinds of comments.
Are you prepared to cook, clean, pay the bills, and drive her everywhere?
Can you keep her from falling in her home? Can you keep her safe from an accidental fire? If she is living in her own apartment nearby, you will still be worried every night, wondering if she's ok.
Unless you or your siblings can devote 24 hours daily to taking care of mom, she really would be better in assisted living or memory care.
Does your mother have dementia or other type of memory loss? That’s a sign when unsafe actions occur, such as the house nearly on fire. She is no longer safe driving nor living alone and I’m sorry for her situation. This is an emergency situation for Mom who needs to see her doctor for a complete assessment and facility, perhaps in a memory care placement. It is hard to move out of a familiar region, but some readers share suggestions.
prayers with you/ your family
… onto mother:
im not sure moving your mum closer to other siblings is the best idea
so she’s secure/ comfortable in her present environment/area
and shes to move to a new area that she doesn’t know anyone except visits - from family - apart from that in a strange place alone and that’s not even taking into account mothers inability to look after herself.
the second concern is the pressure this could impose on your other family members
its not to be taken lightly
I would have thought assisted. Are home or something along those lines
i think the family are going to feel quite overwhelmed after a while and be at the state you are now.
only you know your mother and family if my thinking is wrong but I think it would be prudent to view a longer term arrangement which includes more care fur your mother
And to realistically take into account how your other family members will cope as mothers condition graduates to requiring more help and she will - her present state is just tip
of the iceberg
assisted care required now
—
just a thought
best wishes fur a successful resolution
Maybe feels short for your Mom, faced with making such a big decision of where to move to.. but also a long time for you, worried how your Mom is coping alone.
I remember older family members talking about waiting 12 months to move after a death. Is that a thing where you live?
Of course, for those truly unable to live alone, unsafe or too unwell, action has to happen earlier. Sometimes a crises, eg a bad fall happens. Then it is ER, hospital, rehab, any AL bed, while awaiting a room in your chosen place.
"Even says she liked a place near me.."
That sounds like the beginings of a plan. Can you check it out, see if suitable, affordable etc?
Mom may well decide to stay in her home for a while yet but it may make you feel better to have that place as a *backup plan*.
Moving her closer to siblings: the only way she should live closer to any of them is if she is in a facility, and she needs memory care based on getting lost and nearly catching the house on fire. The facility, when it does its evaluation, will decide what level of care she needs. You'll need a doctor's recommendation to place her, so it's important to get that soon.
Somewhere along the way, a sibling - or even you - might jump in and say that mom needs to live with them, not in a facility. Don't even consider it! That isn't an option. You can't keep her safe if she's already getting lost, setting the house on fire, and in full-blown dementia. More symptoms will occur. As for keeping her in her own home, no again. The kindest and most attentive home care can't keep her safe now. Unless maybe professional caregivers, but it will take three. Facility care costs less and provides 24/7 professional care that you don't have to manage yourself.
"But Sib 1 will stay with her for a week, then Sib 2 takes her to her own house, then Sib 3 stays with her for a week, then Sib 1 takes her to her house...." Please do not think that this is a viable solution. People try it and get burned out fast. Also, changing the surroundings of a person with dementia confuses the person, frightens them, and endangers them. It's not sustainable. How do I know? I've been POA for dementia loved ones x 4.
I'm sure you'll start feeling better as you quickly move forward with a plan and take charge of the planning yourself. Call some facilities today, use the power SHE gave you, and get it done.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad and for the sad situation with mom. It's never easy.
At that point, you are in control and thats how you look at it. Mom is no longer able to make decisions about her life. You don't ask her what she wants, you just do it. If she has money, place her in Memory care. If not, a nice Long-term care with Medicaid paying. She should be near you because u hold the POA.
I suggest that you explore all assets and the ability to go into care starting on ALF as long as that can be maintained. I do think she will soon need memory care.
The siblings who live away will not participate nor be ABLE to participate in this. You are the POA. You need to speak NOW with an attorney about starting the proceedings for incompetency if she is not able to cooperate with you. See her own doctor first for the paperwork the POA demands of you. Then see an elder law attorney to get this ball rolling. You need expert legal advice at this time.
I am so sorry. This will be dreadfully difficult for you, but this is HERE now, and there is no way to put it off. The trajectory from here is downward and with great rapidity.
I would STRONGLY suggest that mom begin looking at Assisted Living or even Memory Care facilities.
Make sure that she has all the legal stuff done. POA, Will, Advanced Directives.
In Assisted Living or Memory Care she will have the constant care that she needs. More care in MC than AL. And in MC she would not be able to leave on her own. Most Communities have vans or bus that will take residents to the store and to doctor appointments if needed so she would not have to drive.
You are not being unreasonable or selfish. You are looking long term and caring for someone is a full time job. You need to do what is best and safest for her.
You are the PoA and your Mom has many of the behavioral symptoms of dementia.
Please read your PoA document to see what triggers your authority. Usually it is 1 official medical diagnosis of cognitive impairment sufficient to require someone else to manage their affairs. Your Mom needs to be take to her primary doctor with with goal stated to her doc, and also to discount any other possible cause for her behavior that might be treatable -- because dementia is not. UTIs, dehydration, vitamin deficiency, tumor, etc. are all treatable and cause dementia-like symptoms.
If she does have dementia then you are now making decisions to manage and protect her -- you don't need her buy-in. Caregiving has to accommodate the caregiver/PoA. You pick a place close to you that she can afford and your get her there by using a "therapeutic fib" ("This is temporary", etc). This is neither immoral nor unethical, this is for her benefit and yours.
If you don't want this responsibility you can resign your PoA but she probably doesn't have legal capacity to create a new PoA so someone would need to pursue guardianship for her, or allow the county court to assign her a 3rd party legal guardian.
Whether anything happens quickly is mostly up to you accepting your PoA responsibility and accepting that your Mom is not driving the bus that determines her care.