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MIL has had some health issues however she was recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. She’s in her late fifties. My main concern is her care. My husband and I are currently living in separate countries. I am working on getting him here but that process can take a while sometimes. Things kinda hit the fan with MIL late last year when she tried to hurt herself. She had to stay at the mental health hospital for a while until she was no longer a danger to herself. I had taken some time off from work to support my husband when that occurred since he doesn’t have anyone else around to help out. It was a difficult time while I was there. Seeing someone you care about going through delusions and paranoia is not easy. With meds however, she has been getting better over time. I am not entirely sure if it has anything to do with her condition but she has this weird obsession with her son. She always wants to be in his presence. If he does go out on his own, she calls constantly, she tried to control his every move while I was there. Just no form of privacy. She didn’t like when he was spending time with me either. She got jealous of that (his words, he told me).
Recently we’ve been talking about future plans and I asked him what were his plans for his mom when he eventually leaves. He informed me he plans on getting an in home caregiver for her however she’s refusing one. She has also refused therapy even though we would be covering the costs. I guess what’s kinda hurtful to me as well is that she’s telling him she doesn’t want him to leave.. He’s leaving to be with his wife, why is that an issue? It’s not like he would be leaving her to fend for herself. Now, I already told my husband that if she does move here I do not want her living in our house. Am I selfish for wanting that?? He agreed as well but knowing her she’s gonna want to push it. I heard her commenting one time that she’s gonna have to leave with him when that time comes.

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Are you in the US? If so and Mom is allowed in, she will not be entitled to any benefits from the US. If your husband is not a citizen or resident, he may not be able to sponsor her. By sponsoring her, you take on the responsibility of supporting her. It takes a while to get a green card. Medicaid cannot be gotten unless she is here 5 years. She is not entitled to Social Security or Medicare if she has worked in the US at least 10 yrs.

Here is what I found
"Yes, mental health conditions like schizophrenia can potentially make it more difficult to immigrate to the US, but it's not a complete barrier. Immigration law can exclude individuals with mental disorders, particularly if they pose a potential threat to themselves or others, or have a history of harmful behavior. However, there are waivers and other avenues for individuals to overcome these barriers, especially if they can demonstrate that their condition is well-managed and unlikely to lead to future harmful behavior." 
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You cannot have her live with you, for your safety. A person with schizoaffective disorder can become violent, and it sounds like you would be a prime target. I'm not saying that happens with everyone; medications definitely make a difference! But if she were to go off her medications you could be in danger.

Does she already have whatever documents she would need to travel? Passport, visa, REAL ID (if relevant)? If not, your husband can just arrange for the in-home caregiver and leave, and she would not be able to follow.

I hope the two of you can sort this out and get your marriage back together. Let us know how it goes.
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Reply to MG8522
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OverItx10 Apr 15, 2025
Thank you. I didn’t consider that aspect of her medical condition. She only has a passport currently but she would also need a visa to travel. So at least that helps in our situation. Just hope she doesn’t give the caregiver a hard time.
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I don’t know much about schizoaffective disorder, and I don’t know anything about immigration. But whatever the reason your MIL is obsessed with her son/ your husband, it sounds very difficult and for his own sake and the sake of your marriage, he is going to have to draw some very firm, clear boundaries so that she does not take over your lives. I don’t think you are selfish about not wanting her to move in. It would be a (marriage) deal breaker for me. I think you need to have some very frank conversations with your husband. It’s not his fault she is like she is, and I feel bad for him. But only he can set the limits on what he will and will not do for her.

Good luck!
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Reply to Suzy23
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OverItx10 Apr 15, 2025
Thank you, Suzy. I’ve discussed boundaries with him too. She tends to push, blame her illness or ‘test the waters’ so I definitely agree there’s gotta be firm boundaries in place.
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You are not selfish
I can see this turning into a nightmare if she moves in with you.
Your husband will be responsible for supporting her. (I would say "you" would be responsible but I think this is not a burden that should be placed on you)
Will you have income, I should say will he have enough income to support her as well? AND given her age that support may be for the next 30 years. (yes you read THIRTY YEARS)

You do not mention what country he/she are from. But he may feel a cultural obligation to take her into his house and care (meaning you care for her) and support her.

And no she does not want "another woman" in her home. And you are the other woman. And if she resides with you and your husband no matter where it is, no matter how many times you move if she is there it WILL be HER home.

You do not say how long you have been married
I assume he is /they are, leaving another country and moving to the USA this, given current climate may take a VERY long time.
Just prepare yourself for a hostile MIL, one that will probably never warm up to you, one that will think of you as "lesser"
Sorry not painting a pretty picture here.

OH...If you are working do not quit to care for her.
Do not quit because he does not think his wife should work.
PLEASE keep a separate account for yourself that has YOUR money in the account.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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OverItx10 Apr 15, 2025
Thank you for the response! He and his brother would cover the costs but I was planning to help out as well. Being from the Caribbean, I would say there is some sort of obligation to take care of parents financially when they get older but not necessarily to have them live with you.
We’ve been married for almost three years, known each other since high school but we haven’t had a chance yet to experience life together as a married couple and I would not want his mom intruding on that. Thanks for the advice!
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