Follow
Share

96yo Mother with dementia has been emotionally manipulated to not speak to any of her family with the exception of my late brothers wife. Reason being, us family members who were executors, recently tried to monitor her accounts, as precaution with how close the caregiver has gotten. Once caregiver got wind of this, she convinced my mother to remove my sister and I as co-executors and now has my late brothers wife (a friend of the caregiver) listed as the new executor. The caregiver, my mother and my ex sister in law have convinced my poor mother that we are the enemy because we want to fire the suspicious caregiver. Our calls and mail go unanswered and we have all been told (bullied) that if we try to remove the caregiver (per our mom supposedly), the rest of us will certainly be removed from her will entirely. We are all well off on our own and aren't looking to gain too exuberantly from mom's future passing, but find it very suspicious that we have been labeled the enemy by her in home caregiver, which is way out of character and we are worried. Although we don't want to risk getting cut out entirely and now having been removed entirely from the executor process (done with her attorney while we were out of town....no coincidence), I fear for my mother believing and loving so much in her caregiver- more than us, that in essence she doesn't even remember when or why she even changed the executor and will in the 1st place due to dementia. My fear is that the caregiver has brainwashed our mother into giving her everything, instead of her own family, who loves and misses her very much. But we are denied and shunned every time we want to visit or call. It's literally scary how quick this all happened within 2 months. Looking for help on how to handle this.

Find Care & Housing
You need an elder law attorney and possibly APS. A person with dementia isn’t qualified of sound mind to change legal documents, changes aren’t valid. Mom needs protection from this caregiver, possibly a change of residence for mom to memory care to protect her from vultures like this
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Call the cops and have the caregiver arrested. They can charge her with elder abuse. Then change the executor back to you and your sister by way of an elder law attorney. File a complaint against the attorney who changed executorship with the BAR association to review his/her license to practice law. They may revoke it. As to the bullying, you can make it stop by removing the bully with the sheriff in tow. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to mmcmahon12000
Report
Isthisrealyreal Apr 1, 2019
Just that simple.
(2)
Report
Wow. I'd either get a lawyer or call adult protection (?) services and get them involved.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to whaleyf
Report
Isthisrealyreal Mar 24, 2019
Both, call APS and get a CELA by going to www.nelf.org and finding one in your area.
(5)
Report
ElenaMaria, just curious as to who is giving you this information about the caregiver.... is it your Mother? Please note it is not unusual for those who have dementia to create "stories" due to the fact their brain is not working correctly.

I recall my own mother telling me stories about my Dad and her own Dad. It was rattling to first hear the stories until I realized it was the dementia talking.

And as mentioned by Daughterof1930, your Mom wouldn't be able to make any changes to legal documents. Attorneys are trained to notice if a person is having memory issues. Usually the Attorney tries to speak with Mom on her own, or if Mom insists on having another person in the room, the Attorney will watch to see if the other person is speaking for Mom or trying to convince Mom to change the documents.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to freqflyer
Report

When you say you "tried to monitor her accounts" what do you mean, exactly?

You repeatedly refer to "executors." An executor is a person who carries out the instructions in a will after someone has died. So I wonder if you perhaps meant some other kind of authority to act on your mother's behalf, such as power of attorney or trustee.

You and other family members became concerned that your mother's caregiver was forming an unusually close relationship with your mother. In what way? What made you think so?

You tried to monitor your mother's accounts. What did you do? Did you have any authorisation to access information on these accounts?

You suppose that the caregiver talked your mother into ostracising the monitors and giving more authority to your SIL.

You have not been able to visit or call your mother for two months. Hmm. How hard have you tried to see her? And how often have you normally seen and called her before that? I'm not questioning this for no reason: my sister once explicitly accused me of isolating my mother, when I called her to postpone a visit. She said that I kept putting her off and it was very suspicious. The visit had indeed already been postponed twice, once because of a fall and the second time by my sister: presumably it had slipped her memory that she herself had been the one to cancel. So I know it doesn't take much for people to start thinking the worst - when you say you have been denied and shunned, what do you mean?
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

Who has POA? Why weren’t they involved at the outset? In my state! The role of “executor” doesn’t take effect until death.

You certainly need legal clarification, and the last thing I’d worry about is being “bullied”.

Once you determine who, if ANYONE, has legal responsibility for your mother’s welfare, you can engage the backing of legal authorities to determine who is and who is not functioning in your mother’s best interests.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to AnnReid
Report

First of all, I am so very sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, stories like yours are becoming more and more common as the caregiving and assisted living community is becoming a breeding ground for negligence, manipulation, and overall abuse.

The first thing you need to do is get in contact with Adult Protective Services who will launch a full investigation into the situation, run a background check on the caregiver, and can help you to get in contact with your mother. I would highly suggest you hire an attorney who specializes in Medical Malpractice and Disabilities. The caregiver is abusing your mother in terms of reckless endangerment due to her manipulation and preventing you and your family from having contact with her. As a caregiver, she is supposed to only be involved in personal care, not legal or family matters.

Is this a private caregiver or is she part of an agency? If so, get in contact with her agency and report her immediately and explain that she is in violation of HIPPA law, which means she cannot violate your mothers rights, which includes using her disability as a means for manipulating her into doing things she is not completely aware of. Since your mother has dementia and the caregiver is aware of it, she is committing Disability abuse and it is considered a hate crime.

You can also contact your local Ombudsman as well, they handle legal issues concerning the elderly and can surely assist you as well. There are many Ombudsman programs depending on which state you are in.
Basically, it is better to have a team of professionals that specialize in Disability Abuse and Malpractice in order to really turn the tables on this caregiver, who will have to answer to the law for what she is doing.

Again, I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family. Keep fighting and do everything and anything you can to get that caregiver out of there.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Shay1216
Report

Oh yeh, call APS.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I'm surprised this doesn't happen more, people have become so greedy and heartless. You often do see instances in the news of a caretaker scamming their client. Her attorney, however, should have known better than to change a legal document for a woman with diagnosed dementia. You may want to talk to your mom's doctor. If he has given her a mini mental status exam in the last few months, he may be able to provide the proof you would need of your mom's inability to handle her affairs and you and your sister could get guardianship or POA. There are different types of POA. In my mom's case, her trustee has financial POA and I have medical POA. No reason why you and your sister couldn't get either or both. You might want to get in touch with the Office of the Aging to see what they suggest. I'd get that caretaker replaced ASAP.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to lablover64
Report

APS. Today.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Mariska
Report

See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter