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I've been taking care of my Mom for years now, finances, & medical, caretaking needs. I got burned out, Home care, was arranged, and in order to get her to agree we lied and said govt/insurance paying since she wanted to stay home and I wanted to respect those wishes. For the past year, mom has fallen multiple times, at home and while we had 24/7 care takers at her house, live-in care takers as well. The last fall was the worse, cracked open the head with 18 staples, UTI infection then contracted CDEF at hospital, discharged to rehap within 4 days from hospital. At that time I decided that mom need a 'higher" level of care and the 24/7 care at home just wasn't working any longer despite her wishes and AL the next step. I explained that to my older sisters, who haven't taken on any responsibility for my mom, and basically they didnt seem to care. Both of my sisters have been provided housing-by mom who has bought houses and charges them very low rent to live.


This was the last week at rehab and she thought she was going back home. I had advised physicians and nurses that she has to go to respite care at AL (asked the professionals for help since I knew she was difficult ), instead of going home. The social worker advise me to let mom know the day before rehab discharge. Well, major "backfire" advise. My mom went into a major drama scene (she does have dementia/alzheimers)when she was told, and she would commit suicide, if she couldn't go home. A different social worker contacted me that day, (yesterday) said she was on 24/7 watch and may have to go into psych ward, discharge plans were postponed till Dr's were console. So the rehab center, contacted a psychiatrist immediately see her. Next day, the rehab center social worker said she was off 24/7 watch, and primary care doctor said she wasn't a threat and the Psychiatrist deemed my mom competent.


Mom decided to go home with 24/7 care. Discharge forth-coming on a Monday. I mentioned it did not work in the past, the AL was already in place, some of her furniture at AL. Advise him it was in his hands, my mom deemed competent. I told him, I was dropping off her purse, with check book, credit cards for her to sign the contract for 24/7 care and have her make the deposit to the company. Explained to him "I'm done" I tried talking to my mom to re-consider and it was a no go.... she said Iwas kicking her to the curb...and other nasty names with verbal abuse.


Later today, the social worker continued to contact me since my mom was told him she didn't have any money to pay for 24/7 care, she didn't know who to contact. I just explained to him, she was deemed competent, it is her decision now.


This is the very short story version of what has transpired in the last week.


Today, I made the decision to detached, even when I know it is her disease, stubbornness, being a control freak and her unwillingness to let me help.


My mom will now be in the hands of the court system, rehab units and protective services if it comes to that point and rehab will make that call, not me... To my mom -- I'm sorry mom... couldn't do enough for you....

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It seems many of us are in the same situation. My dad passed away about 18 months ago. My mom is 101 and lives at home. I was able to get one person in to help me four days a week from about 9:00 AM to 1:00 PM. I am there through dinner and on weekends most of the day. My mom will allow no other help in the house . I get phone calls at all hours. I am her POA. I do all of her finances as well. My mother is controlling ,demanding, very unstable, has some dementia. She feels that she must mourn the rest of her days. Always in a sour mood. Lately she has started to accuse me and our aide that we are taking her things. The first time was a bracelet. I told her it was where it always is and her response was you just put it there. Next was a set of sheets. The nurse advised us to throw out the set on the bed when my dad passed away. I did so. My mom says we stole them. Last week it was an adding machine that she said my dad had fifty years ago. One of us stole it she says. I have never seen the adding machine and more than likely my dad threw it out at some point. Two days ago the aide called me and said when helping my mom shower she noticed blood in her undergarment. I made an appointment for her to go to the doctor. She then read me the riot act saying who the hell do you think you are making a doctor appointment without asking me. Today she cancelled the appointment two hours before having to go. I am so tired of dealing with her. I have been there 24/7 since my dad died without a break. My wife and I also care for her mom who lives with us and is in late stage dementia. Neither of us has had any kind of break in years, work, come home, take care of parent, collapse in bed. I have a sister who is lives close by, but is busy and not overly involved. I told her today I am going to ask the estate attorney to remove me as POA. My dad used to tell me how tough my mother could be and how controlling . She wouldn't let him leave the house because of some fear. His last two years were spent trapped at home. My other is deaf. She had a hearing aid. One day my wife asked her to please wear it. My mom got mad and flushed it down the toilet. Now we all have to scream for her to hear. I always felt it was a control thing with her. So here I am today at my wits end. I have given er options as I cannot be there every minute, but she accepts none of them. More help, assisted living, no way. Today was the last straw.
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Reply to JimL1953
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sip, I wouldn't second guess myself if I were you; it'll get real confusing then.... I'm right near where you are with my mom; she seldom takes my advice, never has, and now mostly forgets, and I will not be her POA or guardian because of many years of this. NH time coming soon, she's past AL, I'm pretty sure, and I have a really nice one to suggest, but that's all I will do; get her in it and back off, or tell her SW (she does have one) a guardian when she's no longer deemed competent. I WILL NOT go on with this and let it make me crazy.... As Shell said, do what you can live with, because it could be a looong time. God bless you, sweetie!
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Your POA should be enough if she is found incompetent. Guardianship is so much more responsibility. You will have to tell the state every year where the money went. Hard to get rid of. And I was just told a friend had guardianship of her Mom. She had to store her Moms belongings using Moms money. It ended up being 11 yrs.

Do you take Mom to a neurologist? Get him to write a letter saying Mom can no longer make decisions. Like said 5 minutes with her is not enough to claim she is competent. Once that is done, tell the SW that Mom has to go to the AL period. If they give you a problem, then tell him Mom is their problem. You had it all worked out. You cannot care for her anymore.

I would have waited to tell Mom she was going to the AL. I think she would have been mad no matter when you told her. She has no ability to reason. So you can't reason with her. She is just going to have to be mad.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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He did continue to call back, in fact asked me about getting a guardianship, and only asked that question because I did tell him at one time that I had attorneys who drafted a petition and they were ready anytime I was to file the motion and serve her the papers. I gave him way too much information...
Why do I continue to want to fight this when I know it's the right thing to do for my mom..
Today, an caretaker agency called me that I used previously for my mom. My mom has no idea of the cost, for 24/7 care. Just feeling lost....and second thoughts at what to do...
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Shell38314 Feb 24, 2019
You do what you can live with. No one here or anywhere can make that decision for you. You will be the one who has to live with it--good or bad!

I know you feel lost and confuse that is because you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If you decide that you can not just walk away from your mom and leave her faith in somebody else's hands than talk to the SW and tell him what the Dr said and what your plan was, plus, that you want to stick to that plan. If he can't help you than there is not much you can do and make sure you tell him that. Play hard ball if you have to!

If you decide that you can't do it anymore then you can't do it anymore and that is your bottom line. Pick up the pieces of your life and move on. No, this will not be easy but you have to take care of you. Like I said, "do what you can live with."


My mother told me something when I was young that stuck with me my whole life; a rule that I live by to this day. She said, "The only people you have to answer to is--God and yourself; it is about what you are willing to live with."

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You did what you needed to do for you. She was left in a safe place. They can get an emergency guardianship for her.

The SWs will probably continue to call. Just repeat, Dr. So and so said she was competent to handle her own affairs. That means your POA is not valid at this point. (Mine reads at time of incompetence my POA came into effect)
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Hugs!

You did and are doing the only thing you can to ensure that she will eventually get the level of care she needs.

It is so unfortunate that a so called medical professional spends 5 minutes and makes a determination of a complete stranger that is dangerous and irresponsible. I went through it with my dad and it was hell.

Stay strong and let her have it her way. We can only do our best and you did that, you propped her up to your own detriment, that is more than anyone should ever expect from another person. God bless you for all you gave her. Now is your time, enjoy it.

Hugs!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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slp1684 Feb 24, 2019
It is very hard to hold back for me...
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What did the social worker said when you said she was deem competent?

I don't really know what to say to you. I can say that it is really hard to take care of a difficult LO, and it makes it worst when the professionals don't back you up. They are the one's that know how the disease affects people but yet, don't lesson to us and help us to help our love ones. They are also the ones who know how the system works, but instead of helping you they just made things worst on you. You did what you could.

So, you came to the end of your rope! I hope you are not beating yourself up. You did your best and that is all any of us can do. You were enough for her whether she knows it or not.

Take care of yourself.
Hugs
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Isthisrealyreal Feb 23, 2019
More then enough. Time will show her that but she will unfortunately never verbalize it to her.
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