90 yr old dad thinks he is perfectly capable of taking care of mom with dementia.

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hopeawood, my parents were also in their 90's and trying to care for each other. All in all they were doing pretty good, but it still scared me silly because I think they were tumbling down the stairs and not telling me I would see bumps and bruises. And regular calls to help get Dad up from his fall.

My Dad would have moved to Independent Living in a heart beat. My Mom, well that idea fell on deaf ears [sorry for the pun].

As many here, I had to wait for a medical emergency where 911 was called, hospital stay, then rehab, then assisted living. Sadly, that is pretty much the norm.

My Mom went into long-term-care. And Dad was more than happy to have caregivers around the clock to help him at home. Once my Mom had passed. Dad was ready to pack his bags and move to senior care. He liked it there so much, he could kick himself for not moving sooner. Mom was his road-block... [sigh].
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Lvnsm1826 Feb 2019
mine is the opposite

Mom had caregivers, help her, until she passed. Dad doesnt want though.
hopeawood, I am in the exact same situation. My 90 year old dad is caring for my 90 year old mother who suffers from memory loss and a few physical ailments that require taking daily vitamins and medications. The thing is, he is totally capable - pyhsically and mentally much younger than his actual age would suggest. However, he and I both worry about what happens to Mom if he were to suddenly get incapacitated by a stroke or die of a heart attack. I would have a better peace of mind if they were to move into a senior community in their town (or mine) that offers memory care, but they won't. Dad says that he "promised Mom" that he would never "put her in a facility". Also, caring for Mom gives Dad purpose and I agree with RedBerryFarm that if they moved somewhere that provides for all of their needs, Dad would whither away from lack of purpose. They live 2 1/2 hours away which doesn't make it easy for me to help with her care. So I visit once a month looking for signs that this situation is deteriorating (which it isn't yet), and pray that I will know what to do when the situation changes... Still feel blessed to have my parents although the worrying is not fun.
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Love him for his devotion to her! Wow. Yet, dementia only continues to get worse... and at 90 himself, that is a big load on him.
I hope that you are their power of attorney... or it is all a 'no-go'.

Assisted living isn't set up for dementia - but memory care is. Perhaps there are facilities in your area that could house both of them? (Depending on finances and what aid they qualify for...)
If only mom went into a place of care, that might just do your dad in... as he now has a function/purpose in life in taking care of her - I wouldn't want to just have him sit at home worrying about her. He would fade fast, in my opinion.

Tough decisions. I would try to include him in the choices as to what is BEST for his wife in what will happen to her down the line. What is available out there that would be a win-win for both of them?
He is to be commended just for his chivalry, love and care for her so far (!!!) ... but most likely he can't imagine her mind deterioraring into the further stages that are yet ahead.
Tour facilities - all sorts. Don't let the places talk you into taking both of them (assisted living) when mom obviously needs more care. Her care is primary... and go from there.
Wishing you the best~
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