How do I care for an abusive parent?


My father had a stroke in April and began to change into a very angry. abusive man. He threw my younger brother out of the house (he's been living there for the last 20 years to help take care of our father) threatened to shoot him if he ever came back. My father is very old school. He refuses to see a doctor and hasn't seen one for over ten years he doesn't trust them. He has stated all our lives that he doesn't want to be put in a hospital or a home he wants to die in his own home in his own bed. I'm worried about his safety and the safety of others and also worried that we could face criminal charges because of the fall out from his choices.

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I forgot to add that charges would force a psyc. eval.
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For crying out loud, get the guns out of the house! That's the first thing my husband's uncle did for his sister in law. The guns were removed from the house. Don't tell him ahead of time. Just do it. I hope you know where they are. After that, if he's taken a shot at someone, they need to press charges. Your dad isn't in his right mind. You need to protect him from himself and others. Get going.
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I didn't realize dad had shot at people before. If he did, contact the police so they know. You can report an elderly person who's a dangerous driver so they get tested and possibly lose driving privileges. I would hope the same measures are in place to get a gun out of his hands. You've at least got to try that!
If those measures don't work is it possible to "hide" his gun from him, possibly in a safe-deposit box?
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Was your father abusive before the stroke, and just became far worse, or is this new behavior entirely?

I'd say absolutely express your concern to Dad's doctor. But I'm not sure how effective that would be if he hasn't seen a doctor in ten years.

Since you explained in another post that Dad is actually shooting at people and no one is taking action to remove his guns, I am not as confident that you would have no criminal liability if he does, in fact, shoot someone. At the very least I would think you might have life-long nightmares about it.

Your dad is not simply angry. He is delusional and he is armed. OMG. What a combination. I might suggest trying to get a social worker or APS involved, but, you certainly don't want someone showing up and getting shot. You could report the situation to them and emphasize the risks.

Would the person he shot at be willing to file charges at this point, for the sake of ensuring safety?

I'm so sorry for your situation. I don't know what to tell you, except tread carefully and try to get law enforcement involved. Report your concerns for your father's sake and for the sake of innocent bystanders your father might mistake for intruders.
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Where the police called when your brother was thrown out? Might be good to have a record of that sort of thing, especially if your dad doesn't want to see a doctor.
I go through some of that with my mom, where she had a stroke 11 years ago, and while she's not violent I get some weird delusions and accusations thrown my way.
For starters, visit here often for people's stories, first of all -- it's a breath of fresh air just to know you're not alone.
As for seeing a doctor, some people have suggested trying to "trick" dad into going. Suggest a day out, do something he likes to get him in a good mood, and then try and sneak him into a doctor's appointment. That's easier done with some people, though. A tiny, frail person is one thing, but a larger, angry man is harder to deal with.
I'm not sure if criminal charges are anything to worry about. You can express your concern to your dad's doctor or contact the hospital where he was treated for advice, but I think more and more people are becoming aware of elder issues, which helps some, like, if the cops are called again. They probably would know pretty quickly if it's a mean thing or a dementia thing.
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