I have a large reservoir of resentment towards my siblings. As my Mother has mentally disappeared so have they. I was her full time caregiver for 5 years but had to go back to work to avoid going broke so arranged for her to get 24/7 care once I got her on Medicaid and am back at work. But it is still a lot to work to be her medical administer, bookkeeper, household and personal shopper, cook for and fill in for aides that don't show up or when the agency can't fill a absence. I have had a falling out with my Brother and the environment is toxic when he just very occasionally drops by. However it is such an awful environment for me that I want to make a demand of him that he has to let me know when he will be here to ensure I'm not here. I am on the deed of the house as it is in a life estate deed. I am her health proxy and POA. My siblings agree that since I have been caring form my Mother since 2013 it was fair that I put myself on the deed, which was my authority and right through the gift rider on the POA. I informed them of my intention and permission out of courtesy but legally I did not need their permission. The Gift Rider gave me the authority to change the deed for that very reason. During that 5 years I must have lost about $300,000 at least. The house is worth only $200,000 with a mortgage of $43,0000. It is supposed to pass to me automatically upon her death and avoid probate. It was also to protect her only large investment from being taken in a look back if she were to have to go to a nursing home if her needs became too great, which may be very soon. My relationship has broken down with my Brother and he is now saying he now wants his one third of the property when Mom passes even though he and his wife have millions in retirement accounts. I spent my retirement taking care of my Mom. I have clearly expressed I want to encourage their visitations, even though infrequent- for my Mothers sake, yet I also need to protect my own well being and interests. My main questions are:
1. Do I have the right to demand that I know when my siblings are planning to drop by to ensure I am not here.
2. Is he or my sister who also approved the life estate entitled to it in NY State and
Medicaid can come after the house to recoup costs after mom dies. Check on your state laws and discuss this with an attorney. I know two associates this has happened to. The house thing can get real sticky when on Medicaid and you want to find out if you can continue to live there if she goes to a nursing home.
If you are the legal owner of the property than you have a right to tell your brother not to trespass. If he wants to see mom than have him arrange to have your mom transported to a location off your property to visit with her and transportation back home. Call the police for trespassing and then get a restraining order if you have to.
"Such a provision may be advisable if the agent is someone other than the principal’s spouse or family member, in order to reduce the risk that the agent will make gifts to himself or third parties he wishes to benefit, contrary to the principal’s desires or best interest."
It goes on to say that those "gifts" cannot be more than the IRS allows yearly for one person of 15k.
If house is in a trust, it had to be put in that trust over 5 yrs before Mom started getting Medicaid. Same with you transferring the deed.
So check your documents and deeds with the Trust and Estate attorney.
Do not discuss any business or wills with those waiting like vultures on the fence. You are not required to give the family any information.
I myself would to be frank ONLY allow visits when I am there. These folks sound to be bordering on a bit evil. I believe I would also have a friend of advocate there for visits. You are, yes, allowed to have visits for an incompetent person in your care only when you wish to, but this is another thing to pass by your attorney.
Protect yourself. Keep QUIET. Do not discuss the "death of Mom". If threats are made then keep careful diaries of all interactions along with your meticulous record keeping on all financials regarding Mom whether it is her money or yours. These are relevant and vital in courts in future.
As to what these folks will do when Mom has passed? Who can know? You need only to be ready, and not to discuss it now. If brother threatens tell him that you whatever he does is just "fine" and you will see him in court.
On top of everything else you are fielding you are going through this. I am terribly sorry. If brother causes any real trouble, call 911 and then you may need a stay away order, or a visit accompanied order.
As I said, I would be there. And I would be quiet. It is very difficult to argue with the wall.
I am so sorry you are going through all this and I wish you the very best.
In any case it is entirely reasonable to ask someone to ring ahead, not just drop in unannounced. Can your siblings let themselves in or do you answer the door to them?