How can I explain to my mother that I can't live with her?

You don’t say how old she is? Is she capable of living alone or needs assistant living or a nursing home. I’m so glad my mother was never a clingy mother even in her 80’s. I would never want to live with my mother even though she wasn’t demanding like many are. Some don’t care how much they drag you down and will destroy you to get what they want. If your mother still gets around, I would talk to her about assistant living for she can do things. My mother would go to senior citizens twice a week where they had lunch and played cards. The center bus picked her up. They would go on day trips too. Don’t let your mother guilt you, life is short and soon you will be your mother’s age and will have all those years spent in misery.

Just to clarify: Patchie's mother is 89 and has been resident in a Nursing Home for six months. Until three years ago, since Patchie's early childhood she and her mother had always lived very close to each other and been heavily involved in one another's lives.

When you have been that tightly enmeshed with someone you love, separating is extremely painful for both parties. I don't, of course, disagree that Patchie needs to develop new perspectives and new boundaries but let's not pretend she's going to find it easy, and let's not assume that her mother is blameworthy.

I don't know your history, except for what Countrymouse was kind enough to post, and I haven't read the other comments, so forgive me if I'm saying something redundant here. I personally think the best thing you can tell your mother is that you are not qualified to take care of her any longer. Not Qualified. Not 'not interested' and not 'not wanting to' and not 'too stressed out or anxious' but UNQUALIFIED to provide her with the proper level of care that she now requires to stay safe and healthy. The SNF is staffed 24/7 with shifts of qualified caregivers who are all specially trained and highly qualified to care for you, mother, and having you in such an environment helps me to sleep better at night knowing you are being properly looked after. You can continue being the daughter vs. the caregiver, and in doing so, maintain your sense of well-being without anxiety driving you to do God-knows-what. I could never, ever, not in 1 million years, take care of my mother in my home, nor would I want to. Her anxiety is SO over the top that I would be the one to wind up in a nursing home, or dead, if we were forced to live together under the same roof. It is what it is, right?
Promises are made in good times; when bad times hit, promises need to be broken for the sake of all involved. Again, you only have HER best interest in mind and heart, which is why she's living where she is.

It's not easy, and anyone who tells you differently is lying. But stick to the same lines with your mother, repeat them over & over again, and do NOT change the words. You will both come to believe them soon.

Best of luck.

OH MY GOSH I AM SO GRATEFUL TO YOU ALL ESPECIALLY to you
COUNTRY MOUSE ( MAY WE TALK ONE ON ONE AT ALL?)
Mum had cervical cancer 10 years ago i lived with her for 5 months taking her to radiation and brachitherapy treatment.
Mum has been on antidepressants for years. She has a long history of stress she cant handle situations like meeting new people. I moved from 10 minutes away to 30 minutes away when I retired. I had a mortgage and had to buy a house with no mortgage as I couldnt manage financially.
As I said Mum and I have always been like sisters as I am an only offspring my parents divorced when I was 3 Mum remarried when i was 20 and divorced when I was 28 ( he said he couldnt stand the nagging).
Mum has always been shy as I said. I have always attended to all her situations, financila tradespeople etc. Having said that she was a worker and drove her car up until she went into the rest home 6 months ago. She moved there as she wanted to be closer to me and my little dog who she loves. I told her time and time again that I have arthritis in both knees both hips the base of my spine and both shoulders and neck.
I put off a knee replacement because I needed to drive to see her.
It sounds as if I am falling apart but I look ok and take medication.
Mum doesnt understand medical things anyway.
I told her when she went to the rest home that I have no brothers and sisters so I saw the rest home as something that could help me to support her.
She is getting worse by the day crying when I see her asking me to tell her what I would have to do for her if she lives with me what about when my 14 year old grandson stays what does she need that he doesnt .
Her stress and negative attitude affect my Daughter who is 49 she is not well and has a growth in her pelvis she has had two pulminary embolisims and is bipolar I had custody of her 2 children years ago as her husband left when they were babies.
I worry about my daughter she worries about me.
She is very brave.
Mum says I lead her to believe that she would always have a home with me if it didnt work out at the rest home. I guess i did i probably said i would never leave you stuck if you dont like it and to be honest a few years ago when she had cancer (10) i probably did say i would look after her always.
Before she went into the home she chose the room at the resthome she sat in my loung when I said are you sure I will ring them and tell them that is the room you want she said yes.
When is came to packing and disposing of her furniture and things * she was renting so had limited finance) She sat in her chair and just said do what you want do what you want with all her things in tears . I thought it was normal grieving about the move now she tells me she never thought I would make her do it she says I made her give up her beautiful life and all she had.
She would agree that she was crying in her chair every time myself or my daughter visited her saying i dont want to be here I am lonely I miss my Mother and my sister ( both passed away years ago)
She wasnt eating properly and left her window unlocked at night on 2 occassions that I know.
There is some confussion re dementia.
Yestaerday I met with the resthome thay said there was a mix up they thought she was diagnosed before going into the rest home as having dementia now it seems when they go back through her files that she had anxiety and depression for years, The Moka test they didi when she went into the rest home was 10 out of 30 but now I am told this could have been affected by other things.
So the bottom line is she has short term memory loss probably has VERY early stage age related dementa.
I need to write a one page letter and give it to her, talk it through with her and leave it with her to refer to when she forgets the conversation which she will .
I am so grateful to all of you for your support any ideas for the short clear none offending letter in simple terms will be much appreciated.

It looks like a traumatic time for you both, & sorry 4 ur suffering. It could drag on & on, & be full of very sad complications. (Each of you will have to cope with your emotions & hurt feelings). If not, you cud get very ill: from uncontrolled stress. (My apologies for being blunt, but it would have helped me 'pace myself' if someone had told me this stuff). Best wishes.

Dearest Patchie: I am praying for you. Please know that the power of prayer is gerat and HE answers. Big hugs ((( ))).

Not sure if this will help but morally speaking IMO when a promise is made, should circumstances change and it would be wrong, damaging to someone to keep that promise, then the promise is released.  We are never morally bound to fulfill a promise that has become evil. And I think that in your situation trying to "fulfill a promise" would be very destructive.

Oh *boy* Patchie.

But I thought I glimpsed a little ray of sunshine, there...

Yup! - the rest home has latched on to your mother's *pre-existing* mental health difficulties, yes? That is VERY good news.

Work with them! Together, you and they can gradually introduce the type of support and treatment that your mother has probably needed for not years but decades. It is never too late. That is not to say that there will be miracles, but it is real hope that your mother can be helped to get rid of some of the deep fear and sadness that has been so damaging to her (and to the people she cares about, but that's a whole nother kettle of fish).

Do write to your mother, but don't try to explain. Instead just reassure her that you love her and are not ever going away. Keep it that simple.

And - what are you doing to look after yourself?

It IS HARD to Live with a Parent that is Old and getting Older and more Ornery. Grin and Bear it, And if You are Not living with her, Just make sure you Keep an Eye on Her...

Please do not feel guilty for not living with your mother. Your peace of mind is very important. Just continue to be involved in her care from the out side looking in.

I have seen things like this over and over again. You must accept the fact that this woman is no longer who she once was. The why does not matter - what matters is what her behavior is doing to YOU and you do not deserve this. My suggestion is to start out by doing all you can to talk with her, help her, get medical help, whatever you can do. But, if you see it is progressing or is not stopping and YOU are being destroyed, then you must be strong and do what you have to do to protect yourself. If that means removing her, so be it. Let her rant and rave - you have to tell her that her behavior is causing you not to want her. You cannot allow her to do this to you. She lived her life. Now it is your turn. Do not allow this to continue - trust me.

Patchie, your parents divorced when you were three. Each of them promised ‘till death do us part’ - formally, with a whole crowd of witnesses. They didn’t keep their promises because things changed. That is the same for you, and you don’t need to feel bad about it. None of us have a crystal ball to know how things will work out in the future. Look after your own heart.

My mom and I could never live together even when we got along. We each had our own “castles,” of which we were the sole queens.

It’s noble to keep promises, but over time, a promise may become impossible to keep. If your mom is verbally abusive to you to the point that YOU are getting sick, you don’t owe it to her to make you even sicker. Be honest with her about this. I don’t see what else you can do, the way things are now.

Just say "no". You can't do it. You shouldn't do it. If she is annoying now how much worse would it be it you were trapped living with her. She should find a senior place to live where there are other people and activities. I live in such a place. I would never want to live with my kids. They have their own lives. There are wonderful places for seniors these days. She needs to check this out. Don't let her steal your life.

I apologize I have not yet read all the replies..

All I know is I will never live with my Mother again, would not promise this & my plan if Dad gets ill is nursing home respite immisiately. Not doing long tem care, not even emergency care.

Yes - you may call me harsh! This is my self-preservation & I am 100% OK with it.

My feelings of calm stem from the thought "I will ensure she is cared for properly - by other.people".

BUT... I get it. I had the same guilt over my (disabled) sister's future care. SO stressed out. I think this stems from thinking "I have to look after her & do it all". I am slowly working on changing this thought.

What is YOUR thought? Is it "I will have to care for my Mother in my home?" "I have to do it all?" "It's my duty?"

If you thought "I will ensure my Mother is cared for." What would that feel like instead? What would that look like?

What if you were a long distance truck driver in, say, Alaska? Would you still feel she had to move in with you?

Just my rambling thoughts... none of this stuff is easy.

I think if you get to feel ok with your decision to say no, the discussion with Mum will feel more natural & honest.