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Long and short of it is, she's got COPD and CHF. Her lungs have filled with fluid over and over, and she uses a walker. She does not like to listen to me if it concerns her medicine, or anything else, and tells me not to tell doctors things (I do anyway, because it's her health).


She's just had a three week, back to back, stay at the hospital. This last time she was unconscious and I was unable to awaken her, so I tried to get my mom, and we tried to shake her. After realizing she wasn't going to get up, we called 911. Third week in the hospital.


They want her in rehab. *I* want her in rehab because if I'm honest I just can't do it anymore. I work full-time, my parents try as best they can but when she refuses or tells you 'oh I did that already', it's kind of hard to do anything for her. And we're only three people, we're not a fully staffed care center.


But she refuses because she sees it as we're tossing her out in the cold. She called me today and accused me of putting her in and said 'what did it hurt' when I said she wasn't waking up and was unconscious for three days.


But they say she's in her right mind! Sure! I'm sure a logical person would act that way!!


Sorry, I'm sore about this. Anyway, what can I do? If we take her home, she is going to get worse and we'll call 911 again, and it's a never-ending cycle. She's not getting better, and I need the help.

You say to the social worker, "it's not safe to discharge her to our home, there is no one to care for her there."

She will need to hire 24/7 caregivers to do in-home care; does she have the money for that?

Ask the social workers to ask her how she intends to get care at home if none of you are there.

Ask for a psych consult while she is in the hospital. Ask specifically if she has any insight into her disease and her limitations.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Revolving door readmissions give me the impression hat she is end stage. She needs someone from hospice to speak to her, but it sounds like she will openly reject. Your family is in its rights to at least say there will be an unsafe discharge to get her to stay in rehab. You need to tell the social worker prior to discharge
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Reply to MACinCT
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If you can not care for her at home, if your mom can not care for her at home the hospital can not discharge her to an unsafe situation.
You need to tell them during discharge that she needs to be discharged to rehab.
Grandma needs to show that she has a plan for safe care after discharge. If both you and your mother say that you can not safely care for her what is grandma's plan for care then? If she has one, great you are off the hook.
And don't back down if she has a plan that includes caregivers then gets rid of the caregivers she says she will have come in and help her.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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I don't know what they mean by you "can't make her go".

THEY can't make you take her home. You can refuse but you have to be VERY tough about it, or they will try to make you take her. But they can't actually MAKE you.

I'm sorry you are in this position. What does the staff suggest? If they suggest rehab or whatever, tell her SEE, the doctor says you need to do X, so that's what we're doing. Sorry if you don't like it but.....
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Reply to againx100
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WonderingAloud Jun 26, 2020
I have no idea, my mom called and spoke to three of them who said she's in her right mind and can make a decision not to enter rehab. I question if they really did see if she was considering she called me just now asking what to do, she skipped her meds, and I had to remind her she's in the hospital and they'll take care of her meds for her.

Unfortunately no visitors are allowed, so we can't go up there. But we'll start blowing up phones this afternoon, I'm almost off work.
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It sounds like it is just too much for your family to take of your grandma at home safely and sanely anymore.

Are your parents on board? If so, the 3 of you need to talk to the docs re discharge and say NO she can not come home. There is too much going on and we can't handle it at home at this time. If they can get her stabilized, maybe she can come back home.
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WonderingAloud Jun 26, 2020
They are, absolutely. But the case manager keeps saying 'we can't make her go'.

All we can do is just refuse to take her in, I guess?
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Refuse to pick her up. Instruct anyone she might call requesting a ride home not to pick her up.

Hopefully others will have some suggestions about how to frame it to Grandma but for myself, I would never want to provide someone with care who is not complying with medical advice. I am not a doctor, nurse, OT or PT person. I would not want the responsibility of something going terribly wrong on my watch, as it were.

Stand firm.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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WonderingAloud Jun 26, 2020
My uncle sways back and forth and it's honestly ridiculous. 'She's a grown woman' to 'she's in a foul mood', kay so like, help out.

We try and tell her it's good for and it's not forever, but to her it's a betrayal. She refused to talk to me for three days last time we brought it up. But like, this last time was a complete and utterly horrible experience and I just don't think she'd...you know...do well if it happened again.
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