My father is in the beginning stage of dementia. My sister has stayed with him for 9 months now and wants her life back. I plan on moving to Florida in the near future. I have asked him many times to move with me and my boy friend, he said hell no. He has no idea that he can't care for him self. He said when he is ready he will go to assisted living, the problem is the would be all alone. My Daughter and Grandson live in Florida, he would have all of us, HELP how do I convince him to move and sell his place and that this would be the best thing for him? Thanks

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Accept his choice. He wants to age in place, then move into assisted living when he can't be at home any more. There's nothing wrong with that plan.
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Reply to Countrymouse

If he would be happy in an AL in the community that he lives in, then let him stay there.

My Dad keeps in touch with people by phone. It would not bother him too much where he lived. My Mum, pre Covid, gets together with people on a daily basis. If she was moved from the community that she has lived in for over 55 years, she would be lost.
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Reply to Tothill

It isn’t fair or right that you, your sister, and other family all have to uproot their lives just because your father is stubborn. He may never accept he needs assisted living. He definitely won’t get the reality check he needs because he has all of you to do for him. He is calling the shots. It’s his world and you all just live in it.

Do you know what you are taking on?

Are you ready to sacrifice ALL, and I mean ALL, of yourself for however long he lives? As in no vacations, no meals out, not being able to leave him alone ever, not even 10 minutes? What about when you go to the grocery store? Will you have someone to be at home while you are out?

Are you okay with helping with his bathroom needs or bathing him? He may not need help with that now, but eventually he will.

When will you do house activities like cleaning or laundry? You aren't going to have the time to do things on your schedule. Really any schedule... whatever routines you have now, will be erased. Your life will revolve around HIM.

How will you handle it when dementia worsens? If he wanders out of the house, or if he gets violent? Even repeating sounds, questions or words for weeks on end (common with dementia), which isn’t dangerous but will drive you insane?

This won’t get easier as it goes on. It will get harder.
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Reply to LoopyLoo

Do you know what caring for someone with dementia entails? You assume your daughter and grandson will help. Are they all in the same city? Do they know what caring for him would entail? Most likely not. Your boyfriend, of course, would have no obligation whatsoever. Having dad live with you could cause problems with your relationship. Dad is willing to go to an ALF when he's ready and the sale of his house would finance that move. The problem is that he's living alone. I would arrange for a person or agency to check on him at least weekly to make sure he's able to perform daily activities and that he's safe. Once that's done, I would honor his desire to stay where he is.
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Reply to sjplegacy
daweber Jul 28, 2020
Ive been talking doctors and people who help with where to go and get help. and reading everything for the last 9 months. my sister and I do everything for him, i pay his bills make all doctor appointments and my sister takes care of him and the house work. this has been a long road and we are just getting started with what it takes to care for someone with dementia. the cost of care either at home or in a nursing home is mind blowing, My step sister in MI has full POA , and hasnt seen him in many years, i reach out to her with no help on any thing. she is another story. he has only my sister that's with him and me. and she wants to go to her home. so i need to decide what is best for him.Torn in what to do.
My grandmother was very independent and said she could stay home on her own. The problem was she hadn't been alone for the previous two years. Either I was there or one of her nieces. She just saw us as houseguests visiting, not helpers.

I doubt it'll make an impression on your dad, but pointing out that your sister hasn't been there for a nine-month visit might drive home that he's already experienced "assisted living."

Make a list of the things she did for him while she was there (including companionship), and explain how none of that help will be there for him soon.

If he wants to stay in his area, that's his business until you have some kind of decision-making rights. I'd push more for him to move to AL than to Florida with you. He can always move later.
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Reply to MJ1929

While you say that he has beginning dementia, it sounds like he may not have any idea of his actual situation. If he were using proper judgment, wouldn't he would be more interested in a plan for his care as he progresses?

Do you have Durable Power of Attorney? I'd consult with an Elder Law attorney about the options, whether you have DPOA or not. You can find out what you can do with the document at this point OR if you need to explore court proceedings. Is he currently able to manage his own household and handle his own daily activities, shopping, meal prep, medical care, medications, use covid precautions, etc? If not, I'd likely try to intervene to make those decisions on his behalf. If he is competent, it's not much you can do, but, wait until he isn't and then try to intervene. A local attorney should be able to explain the process and what you need as evidence.

Another option is to convince him to come with you temporarily for a visit and then prolong the visit so you can care for him. I'd get legal advice on this through, because, there could be complications due to him living in a new state.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1

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