Help dealing with family. Is it wrong that I feel that her own daughter should be stepping up to help her mother?

We need to hear SIL's side of this situation before judging people. Sounds like there is a long backstory here. But it does seem as if OP is expecting SIL to act according to traditional stereotyping of family life, which may (or may not) be realistic in terms on their family history. Of course it should be MIL's monies being used for her care - not SIL's. And POA is not guardianship. Much different responsibilities. Husband has POA too so maybe SIL will resign her joint POA and then let husband take charge. But trying to force SIL to act as a traditional family member is a waste of time and energy.

Dropping her off on your doorstep was despicable & unforgivable!!! I hope someone does the same to her someday... SIL should not be poa...I’d suggest to hubby to see Elder law Atty...Even if SIL unable to be caregiver to her mother, this was not acceptable behavior to do to YOU...since your husband won’t be the one ending up caring for her..it will be all on you!!!

& I would tour facilities in your area close by. They have the Covid under more control with vaccines & restrictions...

This should NOT be just shoved in your lap...especially after caring for your FIL...you had NO BREAK from caregiving...& didn’t even agree to it! ...Wow 😳
Do not let SIL push you & bully you around. HUGS 🤗

I agree this is not an ideal introduction to caregiving. Most families have difficulty when caregiving is thrust upon them suddenly, especially on top of grieving a death of a loved one. In an ideal world, all the family would gather to discuss and work together to find ways of helping. Everybody would do "their part" or agreement would come easily.

Reality. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has differing viewpoints and ideas on what to do. Agreement and doing "my part" looks different to each person. That's the reality in most cases. That is frustrating and also the challenge - and the challenge you are facing. Whether or not another should step up more is always going to be an issue.

Those who hold POA, for medical or financial, have legal documentation to act on behalf of the person it is for. Financial POA would require paying bills and doing financial business (move money between accounts, start or stop services, pay for any services or products used by the person...). It is never a requirement to use one's own financial resources to cover bills or services EVER. Those who hold a Medical POA take on responsibility of medical decisions about the person's healthcare issues. It is never a requirement to care for the person in their home or even to provide hands on care at all.

I expect there is some friction between siblings about their mom. I also suspect that you are doing a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to caregiving right now. Instead of fuming, even subtly feeling irked is resentment, decide with those in your household how to manage this new development. SIL can not just dump MIL on you and expect you to do caregiving and wash her hands of the new arrangement she has thrust on you. That is unethical and probably unlawful. You have to agree to this too. If this is NOT what you agree to, then another living situation must be found for MIL.

Meanwhile, start considering how to make it work. Ask for help from spouse, family, friends, members of faith community. Hire people to help lighten your load. If you need respite for 6 weeks, start researching who will care for MIL at that time - it may not be SIL. Most nursing homes provide respite care.

If you do not or can not continue caring for MIL as you are now AND SIL holds financial/medical POAs, then she needs to be informed that change must happen. Give her reasonable timeframe to find alternative care arrangements for MIL or you can research and give her top 3 recommendations.

Your sister-in-law has a 3000 ft square home and can't make room for her own mother?!! There are many things that can be done such as a commode and safety bars in the bathroom. If stairs are a problem there are riding seats that can be installed. Don't allow your SIL to take further advantage of you. I think it's terrible how quickly she abandoned her own mother when she was grieving. If your SIL has a job there are people who can come in and assist with showers, meals etc. Do not let your SIL put it all on you. Be firm and insist she do her part. You need to be very firm with her. If she won't help, after covid would your MIL consider moving to a retirement home and can she afford it? My mother moved into one 6 months ago and aside from the boredom due to covid restrictions she is happy there and is well looked after. My family did our best but it was the only solution that allowed me to have a life and make sure my mom was also cared for and less lonely. She was totally dependent on me to entertain her and keep her company. That was not ideal. If there comes a time when my mom can no longer afford it my brother and I will both put in an equal amount of money for her stay there. Good luck and stand your ground! It might cause some tension but if the situation doesn't change your resentment will eventually boil over. Your husband needs to tell his sister that she isn't the only one who is entitled to have a life. Good luck!

It kind of is wrong... to be honest.
Caregiving for her mother is not your SiL's job.
Nor is it yours.
Plenty of people have moved to facilities over the past year despite COVID, so can she.

ott1234: Imho, mediation IS required and is a very valid idea. It was pretty bold of your SIL to just drop off your MIL at your doorstep, not to mention the bag of clothing that doesn't even fit her as that may be a moot point.

Ott, my advise is to sit & talk to your SIL. Talk & LISTEN to each other.

SIL dropping MIL off on the doorstep was super aggressive & rude.

You demanding SIL be your backup for 6 weeks because it suits You is unrealistic & rude.

Stop bossing each other around like two lionesses & work TOGETHER.

Quit the family squabbles & put MIL's needs front & centre. *What does this recently bereaved widow with Alz actually need?*

Is it something like a stable residence, a regular routine, things she enjoys, company of others & reliable carers?

Work with your DH, all get on the same page & look for that.

Wow, I have been reading this post and I am pretty flabbergasted by you and the responses that you have received, some of them, not all.

You have been assumed into the main caregiving role by your husband and his sister, yet you justify your husband's lack of caregiving and bash your SIL. I see that you are being used mostly by him because he doesn't want to wipe mom's bum or let her go to a facility, therefore, you are the obvious choice to step in for him and insure that he doesn't have to do something that he doesn't want to, but, his sister is the scapegoat and bad guy. They both are.

I think that a mediator would be a wonderful idea to help you see that neither of this joyful woman's offspring are stepping up to their, their not yours, responsibility and they, they not you, need to work together for the best interest of their mom. Time for both of them to put their adult undies on and take care of the business at hand.

Get your MIL vaccinated and get her in for a needs assessment, her doctor or the area on aging can provide this assessment. Then you can call both of them in front of the mediator and give them the professionals opinion of the level of care that she requires and make them pull their heads out of the clouds and do what is best for everyone, not just themselves.

I am sorry if what I said is offensive. I think that you are awesome for stepping in to care for this woman and that both her children are responsible for the mess you are currently in, your SIL was out of line just dropping her off and your husband is out of line for placing restrictions on options for facility care, both are dumping on you and forgetting that EVERYONE lost your FIL, no one person's grief is more important than another's, so use mediation and come together as a family to support one another through the grief and pain of death and Alzheimer's.

From the tone of the answers, it feels like everyone has been on lockdown and duty for too long. This was the meanest spirited set of responses I have ever heard. So glad the Mother in Law has a decent disposition.

If she dropped mom off right after dad's funeral, does that mean daughter had been caring for both parents in her home? If so, how long did she do it? Is it possible she thinks it's your husband's turn (in the same way you want her to participate now)?

You are setting yourself up for the 'no' answer when you ask someone to fill in for 6 weeks. Start with your 2 week vacation from work and then add 2 weeks here and there.

Your husband and her need to talk about this. What each of you can do to keep things going without wearing anyone out totally. If mom is mentally functional, can she go back and forth so she can stay with both of her children? I don't understand how a large home is hard to manage mom there - so ask her what she means by that.

Ultimately, she is going to say yes or no to ongoing help. You'll have no choice but to accept it and make your own decision of what to do after that. If mom has money, hire some people to take care of tasks you handle for her. Hire someone to stay in the home while you're on vacation (if sis says no). If sis is POA and there is money, bring that up when y'all talk. If you can't come to relieve me and mom can't go to you, I will need some help to hire people that we can call on to assist as needed.

I feel like we are missing a big part of the story.  Was your SIL taking care of both parents while her brother (your husband) wasn't involved?  If so, I can see why she pulled the "tag, you're it" move. This is a conversation your husband should have with his sister. The two of them need to figure out the care of their mother.  Additionally, if your husband is not taking care of his mom and leaving you to take it on, then you need to tell your husband he needs to find care for her.