Something was said to get your 50% of the money before filing for divorce. Once you file, its up to the court to determine who gets what. Even thought you share a bank account, a spouse can go and clean it out even though 50% may be the other spouses. So, take you share now and set it up in another acct.
Seems you have never been #1. Thats not a marriage. I have a couple of friends that divorced after 20 yrs and found wonderful men. Maybe its time.
Beatty, I remember that poster who got the 'take care of MIL or I'll divorce you. Unbelievable. There's only one response to any spouse that makes such a demand.
I would not move out. Not unless and until you talk to a lawyer. Moving out may look like YOU are abandoning the marriage, him, the house. This may impact settlement when divorce is filed. Sound like I am jumping to conclusions, but I would be on the phone with a good lawyer. At this point HE can move out to care for mom
It seems to me that this might be a power play that DH thinks will work – he thinks you will never move out and he will win. If so, he has never really considered the mechanics of losing. These include that you will move out, he will immediately take on full care of MIL, you will start divorce proceedings, he will have to sell the house, there will be a huge bust up with his siblings etc etc.
As a matter of fact, we have neighbors who just recently went through a very similar power play. He bought a motorbike, she insisted that he sell it or move out. He refused to move out, picked up everything in spoiled daughter’s special ‘lego room’, moved there with his swag, and just sat it out. Successfully. She went to a lawyer, and the reality of divorce finally dawned on her.
DH also needs to face reality. Perhaps in your case, you move out for a month. DH finds out the reality of caring for MIL, gets your lawyer’s letter re divorce (including asking for immediate details of his assets), gets the backlash from his siblings. Perhaps you clear out any joint bank accounts, at least take enough to live on now. Then with any luck, you both start again to negotiate a sensible outcome. This will be painful for you, but not as painful as giving in again and sitting permanently on the 4th burner.
That triggers me a lot--Dh wanted motorcycle and got his license for it. Comes home one early morning all excited b/c he had passed the test. (This was the day before my daughter was scheduled to have her 3rd baby and the other 2 kids were coming to my house for a week. Just recovering from back surgery, I needed DH to be home to help with the kids.
He wanted to go for a day's ride on the cycle. I said "Do NOT call me to pick you up from the hospital". He didn't, he called out neighbor. He managed to lay that EXPENSIVE cycle down in a rock field in one of our beautiful Utah canyons. He should have died, almost did.
I was so beyond angry. He went to 3 hospitals over the course of the next month, had 4 blood transfusions, has not been the same since the severe concussion, etc.....Needless to say I was not able to help my daughter nearly as much as she needed and DH was a complete ass about me not 'taking good care of him'.
I have spoken to a lawyer about divorce proceedings once. The time with his dad, I knew his dad wouldn't live much longer. The motorcycle? Just selfishness pure and simple and honestly? I still have not totally forgiven him. $12,000 JUST for the bike & helmet. Of course, he didn't opt for insurance---he was a GREAT motorcyclist.
"Power plays" are not what marriage is about. I have sacrificed so much so he could have the life he wanted--so he's had the married but single life. Guy trips, high adventure, you name it. He got to do it.
I'm am nowhere near as nice as I used to be. And he has learned his lesson.
Wow--well, I can say that this situation happened to me with my DH and his dad. When FIL needed 24/7 care. DH just blithely tells him he can move in with us. There was NO discussion about how we'd make this work having a small house and 2 teenage daughters still living at home. One would have had to give up her bedroom. "They should be proud to be a part of taking care of her grandfather!" was DH's take.
Yeah--this wouldn't have worked for many reasons, the main one being that although I loved his dad---Dh travels extensively for work and I would have been home alone with a very sick old man almost all the time...and the fact that had he just 'brought dad home to stay' one night, daughters and I were set to move OUT. And DH could have figured out what to do.
FIL died 17 years ago. I went out to his place 3xs a day for several months. Cleaned, cooked & doctored him. That was the 'compromise' and still took care of my kids and DH and to this day all I hear is how 'selfish' I was.
You stick to your guns. Seriously. I didn't have to go further than one huge blow up with DH in which I just completely lost it. He quickly opted to stick with being married rather than having no wife and dad living with him.
Oh---and I told him that I would clean him out, financially. Maybe that's hitting below the belt--but I gave up a career to stay him with his 5 kids and allow him to pursue HIS career w/o any worry about who is taking care of business.
To this day, I know this is THE angriest I ever got with my DH.
Wow. You're married for 20+ years & get an ultimatum that you either take care of the MIL with dementia or you move out? I'd move out & hire a very, very good divorce attorney who will make DH see the error of his ways in terms of $$$$$ and cents. But that's just ME. Because to ME, a marriage is all about team work, not ultimatums. By the time an ultimatum is issued, it's a bit late for therapy or marriage counseling, I think. That should have come first, before the ultimatum was issued.
My condolences over the loss of your father and getting little or no consideration from your loved ones over that loss.
I hope you can work this out with your husband, some way, some how. If not, I hope you can get help from a good attorney who can see to it that YOUR future is financially secure for YOUR sake. 20+ years is a long time to invest in a marriage and this is one heck of a way for it to end. Best of luck.
Many years ago, my Father, who is a wonderful caring man, wanted to take on the care of his elderly Mother.
The reality of that was pointed out ie: He would be at work. The care (99%) would fall on his wife. She was not & could not be a caregiver. The dynamics of his household would change. Cause stress due to limited number of bedrooms & only ONE bathroom. Would it suit the families needs? No. Would Grandma like to spend her sunset years rocking out to teen music? Maybe not.
So that plan did not work for everyone in it & did not go ahead.
It was a loving idea, to take care of his Mother but in the end common sense prevailed.
I strongly suggest marriage counselling so you can start to see the other's viewpoint. (ie He gets some third party input & sees some SENSE!)
I am grateful for each comment,I needed a quiet,private conversation with out the knowledge of close people, sometimes its better to come from someone ouside. I just lost my father last year, yet there seems to be no consideration. I take responsibility for allowing my husband to put me on the 4th burner the last 20 years, now maybe I should take his advise.
MIL, now 92, began to go downhill from her 90th birthday or thereabouts. Once she began to show signs of unmistakeable decline, differences of opinion sprang up among the five children about what to do next. The OP's DH is the child who says the equivalent of "if my mommy wants a duck supper, she's gonna get a duck supper..." and marches himself into the oven as in the notorious child-scarring nightmare-creating Tom & Jerry episode. The OP says "er..?" and her DH, in a knee-jerk reaction, says back me or move out.
Fast forward 2 years, and he is more deeply entrenched. And instead of spending time researching and thinking it through and finding out what is needed and what might help, he is picking fights with OP.
CitCat - what would you *like* to happen? Care-sharing doesn't work, especially not when the older person has dementia - they can't cope with the changes of surroundings and it always breaks down rapidly anyway. So... what are the other choices? What does MIL want, for a start?
You need to care for yourself right now. a. go see a lawyer, not necessarily for a divorce, but for advice about retaining your fair share of the assets. b. go to Florida where it is warm. (I live in Northern Michigan and we had snow today) c. I wonder what your husband will do when mamma dies?
Are u the wife? If so, please don't write in 3rd person. It becomes confusing.
This house is the wifes just as much as it is his. But, if wife doesn't want to care for MIL then she may want to move out. And when she does, she is entitled to half of everything. This really is something that needs a lawyer.
Yikes, now I've read just about everything on this forum. I cannot think of any possible scenario where this would be acceptable. It's totally dysfunctional in addition to being completely unwise. If there is a financial issue with being able to afford care for the mother, this is what Medicaid is for. If it is because he made a "promise" to his mother, again this is a no. If this is about him being guilt-ridden because his mother is resistant to going into a facility or he thinks facilities are awful places, he needs to go and visit a nice, local one to see otherwise. His wife is his priority, period. As an Italian-American (in the culture that invented Momma's Boys) I cannot believe he would even for 1 second consider this as an option. FYI his siblings are under no moral or ethical obligation to help in this. If they haven't helped thus far, they will not help in the future. Have him read some of the posts on this forum under the topic Burnout if he thinks he can care for his mother (alone) and live a healthy, normal life.
Yes I am the wife and yes I feel all the siblings should share the responsibility. ( I was never part of his family events or lives, now they want me to be caretaker.) I did put my foot down after 2 years of being told his mother was moving in, I can moveout and divorce him, because he was not going to put his mother in a home and he did not trust his siblings to takecare of her, he said he thinks they just want her money.
You have bigger issues than who is going to be caregiver for your MIL. You have a "husband" who will throw you under the bus for his mommy. Please consider marriage counseling. I hope he agrees to go. Does he care if you leave him? If he won't agree to counseling then you by yourself should see a therapist to give you an objective perspective on the chaos of this family. Don't let the cost be an obstacle -- you're worth it. I wish you all the best as you sort things out and make decisions.
Assuming you are the wife, is it that you feel that one or more of your husband's four siblings should be selected for the role of primary caregiver, and he thinks he should (which, we will agree for the sake of the argument, means you should), and you have delivered an ultimatum and he has gone with keeping mother?
If this total guess is anywhere near-ish, stick to your guns. Avoid calling him moma's boy to his face, though, I should.
What is MIL's situation and what are the better options?
Seems you have never been #1. Thats not a marriage. I have a couple of friends that divorced after 20 yrs and found wonderful men. Maybe its time.
I believe she took the kids & left for a long vacation at relatives.
I wonder if reality fell from the sky like a tonne of bricks (hope so).
This is different as the Husband says he will do the care. Hmmmm.
Choosing Mother over wife = no wife.
There's only one response to any spouse that makes such a demand.
Get a lawyer and see you in the divorce court.
Sound like I am jumping to conclusions, but I would be on the phone with a good lawyer.
At this point HE can move out to care for mom
Moving into a spare room until this is settled comes to mind. May be adding fuel to an already hot blaze though?
Maybe a girl's weekend away would do it?
As a matter of fact, we have neighbors who just recently went through a very similar power play. He bought a motorbike, she insisted that he sell it or move out. He refused to move out, picked up everything in spoiled daughter’s special ‘lego room’, moved there with his swag, and just sat it out. Successfully. She went to a lawyer, and the reality of divorce finally dawned on her.
DH also needs to face reality. Perhaps in your case, you move out for a month. DH finds out the reality of caring for MIL, gets your lawyer’s letter re divorce (including asking for immediate details of his assets), gets the backlash from his siblings. Perhaps you clear out any joint bank accounts, at least take enough to live on now. Then with any luck, you both start again to negotiate a sensible outcome. This will be painful for you, but not as painful as giving in again and sitting permanently on the 4th burner.
He wanted to go for a day's ride on the cycle. I said "Do NOT call me to pick you up from the hospital". He didn't, he called out neighbor. He managed to lay that EXPENSIVE cycle down in a rock field in one of our beautiful Utah canyons. He should have died, almost did.
I was so beyond angry. He went to 3 hospitals over the course of the next month, had 4 blood transfusions, has not been the same since the severe concussion, etc.....Needless to say I was not able to help my daughter nearly as much as she needed and DH was a complete ass about me not 'taking good care of him'.
I have spoken to a lawyer about divorce proceedings once. The time with his dad, I knew his dad wouldn't live much longer. The motorcycle? Just selfishness pure and simple and honestly? I still have not totally forgiven him. $12,000 JUST for the bike & helmet. Of course, he didn't opt for insurance---he was a GREAT motorcyclist.
"Power plays" are not what marriage is about. I have sacrificed so much so he could have the life he wanted--so he's had the married but single life. Guy trips, high adventure, you name it. He got to do it.
I'm am nowhere near as nice as I used to be. And he has learned his lesson.
NOBODY gets everything they want!
Yeah--this wouldn't have worked for many reasons, the main one being that although I loved his dad---Dh travels extensively for work and I would have been home alone with a very sick old man almost all the time...and the fact that had he just 'brought dad home to stay' one night, daughters and I were set to move OUT. And DH could have figured out what to do.
FIL died 17 years ago. I went out to his place 3xs a day for several months. Cleaned, cooked & doctored him. That was the 'compromise' and still took care of my kids and DH and to this day all I hear is how 'selfish' I was.
You stick to your guns. Seriously. I didn't have to go further than one huge blow up with DH in which I just completely lost it. He quickly opted to stick with being married rather than having no wife and dad living with him.
Oh---and I told him that I would clean him out, financially. Maybe that's hitting below the belt--but I gave up a career to stay him with his 5 kids and allow him to pursue HIS career w/o any worry about who is taking care of business.
To this day, I know this is THE angriest I ever got with my DH.
My condolences over the loss of your father and getting little or no consideration from your loved ones over that loss.
I hope you can work this out with your husband, some way, some how. If not, I hope you can get help from a good attorney who can see to it that YOUR future is financially secure for YOUR sake. 20+ years is a long time to invest in a marriage and this is one heck of a way for it to end. Best of luck.
Many years ago, my Father, who is a wonderful caring man, wanted to take on the care of his elderly Mother.
The reality of that was pointed out ie: He would be at work. The care (99%) would fall on his wife. She was not & could not be a caregiver. The dynamics of his household would change. Cause stress due to limited number of bedrooms & only ONE bathroom. Would it suit the families needs? No. Would Grandma like to spend her sunset years rocking out to teen music? Maybe not.
So that plan did not work for everyone in it & did not go ahead.
It was a loving idea, to take care of his Mother but in the end common sense prevailed.
I strongly suggest marriage counselling so you can start to see the other's viewpoint. (ie He gets some third party input & sees some SENSE!)
A divorce attorney will likely take up all that inheritance he expects to get, so start making some calls.
Yes, the situation is very uncomfortable for you. I think everyone sees this.
Best wishes to you and your family.
MIL, now 92, began to go downhill from her 90th birthday or thereabouts. Once she began to show signs of unmistakeable decline, differences of opinion sprang up among the five children about what to do next. The OP's DH is the child who says the equivalent of "if my mommy wants a duck supper, she's gonna get a duck supper..." and marches himself into the oven as in the notorious child-scarring nightmare-creating Tom & Jerry episode. The OP says "er..?" and her DH, in a knee-jerk reaction, says back me or move out.
Fast forward 2 years, and he is more deeply entrenched. And instead of spending time researching and thinking it through and finding out what is needed and what might help, he is picking fights with OP.
CitCat - what would you *like* to happen? Care-sharing doesn't work, especially not when the older person has dementia - they can't cope with the changes of surroundings and it always breaks down rapidly anyway. So... what are the other choices? What does MIL want, for a start?
a. go see a lawyer, not necessarily for a divorce, but for advice about retaining your fair share of the assets.
b. go to Florida where it is warm. (I live in Northern Michigan and we had snow today)
c. I wonder what your husband will do when mamma dies?
I am so sorry that you are going through this dilemma.
Your husband needs therapy and ASAP!
This house is the wifes just as much as it is his. But, if wife doesn't want to care for MIL then she may want to move out. And when she does, she is entitled to half of everything. This really is something that needs a lawyer.
If this total guess is anywhere near-ish, stick to your guns. Avoid calling him moma's boy to his face, though, I should.
What is MIL's situation and what are the better options?