Yikes, now I've read just about everything on this forum. I cannot think of any possible scenario where this would be acceptable. It's totally dysfunctional in addition to being completely unwise. If there is a financial issue with being able to afford care for the mother, this is what Medicaid is for. If it is because he made a "promise" to his mother, again this is a no. If this is about him being guilt-ridden because his mother is resistant to going into a facility or he thinks facilities are awful places, he needs to go and visit a nice, local one to see otherwise. His wife is his priority, period. As an Italian-American (in the culture that invented Momma's Boys) I cannot believe he would even for 1 second consider this as an option. FYI his siblings are under no moral or ethical obligation to help in this. If they haven't helped thus far, they will not help in the future. Have him read some of the posts on this forum under the topic Burnout if he thinks he can care for his mother (alone) and live a healthy, normal life.
Wow. You're married for 20+ years & get an ultimatum that you either take care of the MIL with dementia or you move out? I'd move out & hire a very, very good divorce attorney who will make DH see the error of his ways in terms of $$$$$ and cents. But that's just ME. Because to ME, a marriage is all about team work, not ultimatums. By the time an ultimatum is issued, it's a bit late for therapy or marriage counseling, I think. That should have come first, before the ultimatum was issued.
My condolences over the loss of your father and getting little or no consideration from your loved ones over that loss.
I hope you can work this out with your husband, some way, some how. If not, I hope you can get help from a good attorney who can see to it that YOUR future is financially secure for YOUR sake. 20+ years is a long time to invest in a marriage and this is one heck of a way for it to end. Best of luck.
Beatty, I remember that poster who got the 'take care of MIL or I'll divorce you. Unbelievable. There's only one response to any spouse that makes such a demand.
Are u the wife? If so, please don't write in 3rd person. It becomes confusing.
This house is the wifes just as much as it is his. But, if wife doesn't want to care for MIL then she may want to move out. And when she does, she is entitled to half of everything. This really is something that needs a lawyer.
Wow--well, I can say that this situation happened to me with my DH and his dad. When FIL needed 24/7 care. DH just blithely tells him he can move in with us. There was NO discussion about how we'd make this work having a small house and 2 teenage daughters still living at home. One would have had to give up her bedroom. "They should be proud to be a part of taking care of her grandfather!" was DH's take.
Yeah--this wouldn't have worked for many reasons, the main one being that although I loved his dad---Dh travels extensively for work and I would have been home alone with a very sick old man almost all the time...and the fact that had he just 'brought dad home to stay' one night, daughters and I were set to move OUT. And DH could have figured out what to do.
FIL died 17 years ago. I went out to his place 3xs a day for several months. Cleaned, cooked & doctored him. That was the 'compromise' and still took care of my kids and DH and to this day all I hear is how 'selfish' I was.
You stick to your guns. Seriously. I didn't have to go further than one huge blow up with DH in which I just completely lost it. He quickly opted to stick with being married rather than having no wife and dad living with him.
Oh---and I told him that I would clean him out, financially. Maybe that's hitting below the belt--but I gave up a career to stay him with his 5 kids and allow him to pursue HIS career w/o any worry about who is taking care of business.
To this day, I know this is THE angriest I ever got with my DH.
MIL, now 92, began to go downhill from her 90th birthday or thereabouts. Once she began to show signs of unmistakeable decline, differences of opinion sprang up among the five children about what to do next. The OP's DH is the child who says the equivalent of "if my mommy wants a duck supper, she's gonna get a duck supper..." and marches himself into the oven as in the notorious child-scarring nightmare-creating Tom & Jerry episode. The OP says "er..?" and her DH, in a knee-jerk reaction, says back me or move out.
Fast forward 2 years, and he is more deeply entrenched. And instead of spending time researching and thinking it through and finding out what is needed and what might help, he is picking fights with OP.
CitCat - what would you *like* to happen? Care-sharing doesn't work, especially not when the older person has dementia - they can't cope with the changes of surroundings and it always breaks down rapidly anyway. So... what are the other choices? What does MIL want, for a start?
I would not move out. Not unless and until you talk to a lawyer. Moving out may look like YOU are abandoning the marriage, him, the house. This may impact settlement when divorce is filed. Sound like I am jumping to conclusions, but I would be on the phone with a good lawyer. At this point HE can move out to care for mom
My condolences over the loss of your father and getting little or no consideration from your loved ones over that loss.
I hope you can work this out with your husband, some way, some how. If not, I hope you can get help from a good attorney who can see to it that YOUR future is financially secure for YOUR sake. 20+ years is a long time to invest in a marriage and this is one heck of a way for it to end. Best of luck.
I believe she took the kids & left for a long vacation at relatives.
I wonder if reality fell from the sky like a tonne of bricks (hope so).
This is different as the Husband says he will do the care. Hmmmm.
Choosing Mother over wife = no wife.
There's only one response to any spouse that makes such a demand.
Get a lawyer and see you in the divorce court.
This house is the wifes just as much as it is his. But, if wife doesn't want to care for MIL then she may want to move out. And when she does, she is entitled to half of everything. This really is something that needs a lawyer.
A divorce attorney will likely take up all that inheritance he expects to get, so start making some calls.
Yeah--this wouldn't have worked for many reasons, the main one being that although I loved his dad---Dh travels extensively for work and I would have been home alone with a very sick old man almost all the time...and the fact that had he just 'brought dad home to stay' one night, daughters and I were set to move OUT. And DH could have figured out what to do.
FIL died 17 years ago. I went out to his place 3xs a day for several months. Cleaned, cooked & doctored him. That was the 'compromise' and still took care of my kids and DH and to this day all I hear is how 'selfish' I was.
You stick to your guns. Seriously. I didn't have to go further than one huge blow up with DH in which I just completely lost it. He quickly opted to stick with being married rather than having no wife and dad living with him.
Oh---and I told him that I would clean him out, financially. Maybe that's hitting below the belt--but I gave up a career to stay him with his 5 kids and allow him to pursue HIS career w/o any worry about who is taking care of business.
To this day, I know this is THE angriest I ever got with my DH.
MIL, now 92, began to go downhill from her 90th birthday or thereabouts. Once she began to show signs of unmistakeable decline, differences of opinion sprang up among the five children about what to do next. The OP's DH is the child who says the equivalent of "if my mommy wants a duck supper, she's gonna get a duck supper..." and marches himself into the oven as in the notorious child-scarring nightmare-creating Tom & Jerry episode. The OP says "er..?" and her DH, in a knee-jerk reaction, says back me or move out.
Fast forward 2 years, and he is more deeply entrenched. And instead of spending time researching and thinking it through and finding out what is needed and what might help, he is picking fights with OP.
CitCat - what would you *like* to happen? Care-sharing doesn't work, especially not when the older person has dementia - they can't cope with the changes of surroundings and it always breaks down rapidly anyway. So... what are the other choices? What does MIL want, for a start?
Sound like I am jumping to conclusions, but I would be on the phone with a good lawyer.
At this point HE can move out to care for mom
Moving into a spare room until this is settled comes to mind. May be adding fuel to an already hot blaze though?
Maybe a girl's weekend away would do it?
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