How can you handle an elderly parent that constantly wants you to do everything for them?

To JoanneSS -

I don't want to get into shaky ground here, but your mother's comment strikes me as open-and-shut abusive. It's always interesting to me that people who supposedly "can't help" themselves (making mean comments) always seem to be nice to the people they adjudge important enough not to offend.

The previous comment re "real consequences" might seem approp. here. If your mom is well enough to "jump out of the car" then perhaps she is well enough to find another caregiver on her own. Perhaps you could provide her w/a list of local and state agency phone nos. Of course, I realize that many parents are financially unable to pay for meals to be brought in at market rate, etc., but there must be some alternative to what you are experiencing.

Or, perhaps your son could take over some caregiving responsibilities.

For instance, when my mother wanted my aunt to make a special trip over to pick up some medication which didn't necessarily need to be refilled the next day, I told her my aunt wasn't up to it. My mom reluctantly got on the phone and figured out how to get it mailed -- which was the way she used to do it before I started doing so much calling -- in alarm about her condition -- and her primary care dr. got involved in the medication.

The only trick I have, is find a sitter, that she likes, and get out of the house. I cant stand the confinement anymore. Someone that will sit and talk and laugh with her, pamper her, and make it all about her, then she will be happy. I found a girl, and works with me, cleaning up Moms home, that no one took care of for the last 10 yrs, and she helps me clean, paint, etc, and Mom has met her, and likes her. So we have agreed, that for $10.00 per hour she will sit with Mom, and meet the needs for me to get away, before I have a stroke. I havnt had a day off in 1 year,,,,, 15 hours a day, listening to her argue, complain, insult, and whine. No matter what I do, it isnt enough. So, I am going to take some time,,,, for me,,,,, and get out!! And I'm taking my dog too. Even if it is only for 5 hours, 1 day a month. Its better than I had before.

As per comment re hiring help -- great idea! I would inform the other "little kings" that they are going to split this cost among themselves. I do think that parents do not necessarily need "us" there w/them, just someone who is caring. They need to socialize w/people their own age.

I have a slightly diff. question. My mother is extremely depressed and is not eating enough. Yesterday I drove the 60 mi. to her house, delivered groceries that I'd painstakingly selected, and she went into a fit over how she didn't know what she was going to do w/"all this food." Then she informed me I looked terrible. Etc. Nothing pleases. My blood pressure felt sky high.

Friend says that when my mom is depressed she wants every1 else to be, too. I think that's probably it. One time my sister called her, happy, and mom said, "Well, let me burst your bubble."

Every upbeat comment I make she counters w/gloom. I have spent the last 3 mos. calling drs., arranging rides to drs., emailing drs. re medication, on and on. I am trying to start a new business and am getting nowhere, b/c after dealing w/my mom's situation I am too depressed to function myself.

I encountered a book awhile ago about dealing w/aging parents. It occurs to me I need prof'l suggestions. Any thoughts about the psychological mindsets -- even tricks -- one might need?

This whole conversation reminds me of myself. I had to chuckle. Dear Lilliput: Dont wait around for praise, because it isnt coming. Your mothers mind is in the past, not the present. I too, am the pack mule. I cant help but remember one incident, I went to visit my son, and got my mother ready, showered, powdered, hair washed, curled and combed, and packed up depends, and change of clothing,,,, then got myself ready, packed up my laptop, cord, mouse, pad, then got my huge doberman ready, ( had to take him,he has separation anxiety), leash collar, food, then got Mom, and helped her to the car on my arm, came back got my briefcase, my purse, my doberman, food, moms overnite bage, and let my dog drag me to the car while Mother sat, and blew the horn because I was gone too long. Long story short, I was exhaused to get to my sons house, he saw us drive in, and he came out and waltzed Mom into the house like she was Queen Elizabeth, and I carried my purse, Moms purse, my computer briefcase, moms diaper bag, the huge dog, on a leash dragging me,,,,, and by the time I got into the house, Mom was complaining that she wanted her purse, to give all of my grandchildren money because they are so cute. I could hardly breathe, I was exhausted. So we visited, and it was time to leave, so I started packing up, and my son and Mother stood up and he waltzed her out to the car, and I came along like the damn pack mule, with the dog, the leash, her purse, mine, my laptop, and her diaper bag,,,,, breathing hard, trying to quickly unload some heavy stuff into the trunk. Mom immediatley jumped out of the car, and began bitching at me, that I had put her purse in the trunk accidently,,,, I stopped what I was doing, and said "Mom, get in the car, I'll" get it,,,, and I said it abrupt,,,, my son turned to me, and said,,,"Mom! dont yell at her, she only wanted her purse"...... so,,, from that day on, I realized, there is no family support, there is no praise from my mother on a job well done, that no one else wants to do,,,,,, just do it, and hide the hurt you feel, and eventually, it wont hurt so much. All of her praise and acknowledgement of wonderful, goes to everyone else but me. Try to steal a few minutes for your self each day, and know, that you are doing an impossible human job, and you are giving it your best. When we got home that day, I had to unload everything, then bring Mom into the house, and she still was hollering about my quick reply at my sons house, and I told her to "stop it",,, and she said,,,, "shut up you fat pig". So, now I know, there wont be any praise, only secret unmentioned recogintion from God, knowing I gave all I could, and my best, because of the life time of love I have in my heart for my Mother. There is no praise, only hits with the cane, slaps, insults, and great love and tears of love from her, to my children, none for me. She has forgotten me. So, I draw my strength through my prayers, and God hears me, when I weep alone in my bed at nite,,,and I know "HE" loves me still. I know it. I know Mom looks at me as the mean lady in the white blouse, trying to bathe her, and feed her, and give her meds, .......... I just had to laugh, when I realized,,,,,, "I've become a bloody pack mule" hahaha. Oh well, next time, I'll leave her home with a sitter, and just take the dog. He's nicer to me.

You mean your mother can still use the phone? She knows about her appointments and asks for help to get there. I am so used to talking with Alzheimer's caregivers. You still get to go to your job and you GET to work through the weekend? What luxury. Perhaps you need to step back and get some perspective. Imagine giving up your job (thinking it will be only a few months, but you are stuck as caregiver years later). Can't leave your mother alone, ever. You spend at least two hours a day IN the bathroom with your mother, and you go through more latex gloves than you thought possible. You spend a half hour a day having the same conversation about her teeth, dentures. Cause she lost them, and will "kill herself" if she can't get new teeth...real teeth.
And she says "I really love you" to everyone except YOU.

When I grouse about my plight, I sometimes imagine I'm trying to care for her on the "road to Kandahar" (good movie), and our taxi has been stolen, all our money stolen, it's boiling hot, desolate in all directions. No toilet paper. How nice I'm in a heated home with hot running water...and food. ;-)

I hear similar type of problems from my SIL who deals with the same type of mother whom we are sure has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder or a narcissistic personality disorder with borderline traits. Your mom sounds like she's split your brother and you into white and black with him right now in the white but you can't do enough for her and thus in the black. From what I have seen unless a mother has made a 'mommy's boy' out of her son, these type of selfish mom's will use F.O.G. , fear, obligation and guilt on the daughter to hoover her in because a normal son just might be more likely to buy into such a game.

1. Get a therapist to help you gain strength to stop playing the victim role by not feeling up to confronting.

2. Setting boundaries is never enough without real consequences.

3. I can clearly see why your brother's wife does not like your mother. I don't like my MIL for the same reasons.

4. Get a answering machine for your phone or get a separate line for your your business and don't give the number to your mother. She can call your home phone and leave the message on your answering machine.

5. I don't like confrontation either, but I'm getting better at it and others are happier and I have more energy by not always complaining about the person I needed to confront.

6. We actually weaken our relationships with people we don't have problems with by constantly complaining about the person that we need to confront ourselves and please don't push people into fighting your battles for you which I have experienced and bought into that role.

I have the same problem Lilliput. Since I'm a person who hates confrontation and tries not to make waves, I don't have any answers. I just stay frustrated and complain to my husband. If I left it up to my husband, he would confront my brother who lives here in our town, but never shows his face or calls, except once in a blue moon.

His wife doesn't like mother, so she never comes around. My mother makes excuses for my brother..."he works so hard and such long hours and he's tired when he gets home late in the evening."

I can say my brother did come stay with mother at night when my husband had to go to MD Anderson for his check-up. Other than that, that's it. You would think he would realize that my husband and I need a little relief sometimes. But, nooooo!

They take off on weekends and go their merry way to visit their kids, go to their camp house, go hunting, etc.

My husband and I would love to go visit our kids without all the hassle that goes with leaving mother with someone. She fights being left with someone else. It is just easier and less headache to stay here.

Anyway, I understand, but have no answers. If I had a backbone, I might not be in such a pickle. Take care and God bless.

The good news is that you are not alone! This is a common theme of caregivers everywhere. That said, as a family transition coach, I often work with families on this very issue. Have you tried asking your Mom to tell you what she's most afraid of, and really listening the answer? Sometimes, a care recipient latches on to her caregiver out of fear, and that behavior becomes a habit. If you can get to the underlying fear, you might be able to come up with strategies to break the habit.

Lots of good suggestions here! Lilliput, you might also find it helpful to hire a private duty caregiver to give you some of the distance you need. Many agencies offer services at an hourly rate -- for transportation, med reminders, light housekeeping, meal preparation, etc. Maybe if you hired out some of the errand-running, your own visits could be more about enjoying each other's company.

Lilli, I admire your insight and sensitive spirit. Bless you!

SecretSis: I have learned so much in this forum. And I know what you are saying about family "coming out of the bushes" when there is money to be had. Have seen this with friends and other family members. Money means absolutely nothing to me. I protect my Mom's assets so she will not be lacking for anything. That's it! So sad when people reduce their relationships to dollars and cents.
I have been working on the boundary issues. Sometimes it works and sometimes it is ignored. Believe it or not my Mother treats me far better than her mother treated her. Funny thing is that she remembers her far differently than I do.

Ann: Mutual respect is exactly what I am working toward. I do not need praise for the work I do. Nor do I want to be compensated in any way. However, I do not want my Mom to get in the habit of reducing me to her errand girl.

I think one of the main issues in caregiving is that there is no opportunity for "distance." I am sure if I could take lots of breaks away from it all, I would have better perspective. But since it is just me here, that is not possible. I want to get back to the mellow person I used to be....right now I am just working on not being cranky.

Looking forward to the holidays and wish all here peace and respite.
Lilli

My friend has that problem - you will never change your mom. All you can do is decide what doesn't work for you and work on changing your reactions to what she says and does. It took my friend alot of years trying to get a compliment and much angst when any award or achievement was bypassed in favor of a story about someone else - or in her mom's case the hurtful & frustrating, "Thats nice dear,that reminds me of the time I......(mom's story here - including heroic / brilliant son or other person who appreciates how great she is.....)"

As a business woman it might be productive, and save your sanity to find & schedule a few working sessions with someone who can coach you through it - and be in the same room to listen to you and give feedback and hugs. One of the worst drawbacks of online only is that your feelings are reinforced, which is ok, but it is like putting a bandaid on a broken leg. Sympathy is not what will help you finally shed your frustration.

Once you have a handle on what pushes your buttons, you can get help on how to set those boundaries and keep these little things from stealing your time and life. We only have one life, and I've learned that I appreciate my mom because we have mutual respect. My friend's mom is actually nicer to me than she is to her own daughter - so we joke & she lets go of the stuff she can't change. I am assuming you still want a relationship with your mom - you just want to change the quality and topics of your conversations.

Hope this helps - if you run your own business you know how the smallest client can be the biggest headache? Sometimes its like that with family. Cheer up I hope you find someone to teach you the talk-to-mom-skills that will positively impact the rest of your life. We are not born knowing them - and its rare to be able to pull yourself out of a dysfunctional family communication pattern without help.

Here's to a new year & new possiblities!

You are the unsung hero, to those of us who understand, and I understand your frustration. Wait till your sibs want "their fair share of the inheritance," as is usually the case. My, sounds like a million other families out there. The Caregiver rarely gets praise, compensation, and is piled with impossible demands and unrealistic expectations. You tell my story, too.

How does one handle it? Varying ways. Setting boundaries didn't work well with my mom, but many say that's what to do. My mom fought me every step of the way, no matter what I tried. There is no magic answer, especially when they are unreasonable. Depends on the parent. I wouldn't discount suggestions until you try them. If your's is "all about me," it makes things more difficult. But if something's not working for you, get help. It's better than resentment, anger, and bitterness. Who says we "must" cater to every whim? Find what works for you, and make than your guideline, but remain flexible to changing needs. If something's not working, get help. Peace and joy are worth protecting.