How can you handle an elderly parent that constantly wants you to do everything for them?

Amen to that!

Crowe: great post! "...suicide by degree." yes, I agree - that is exactly what it feels like. Why do we frown on "slavery" in every area of our culture except for family caregivers of the elderly? It is partially because family gets very little help from government entities that were created for that specific reason. So the family steps up. Or, as crowe said, we revert to being little children again - usually the one that the parent always relied on. We do not have to turn our backs on our parents in order to break the cycle of co-dependency.

Evidently the current generation of very old carry with them a rather enslaving view of children which has only been seen as abusive post 1945 in my opinion. We have a hard time accepting moms as being as abusive as some of them really have been all of our childhood and continue to be even in old age. Because society finds it easier to view a man as abusive than a woman, particularly a mother as abusive, it is easier for moms to get away with such enslaving abuse and other types of abuse. Just turning our back on the parent we are enmeshed with is only a cut off and not a real resolution of untieing the codependency. It is getting the buttons turned off on the inside that is the true path to freedom which comes with the hard work of healthy boundaries and more often than not therapy in order to self-differentiated from the slave master in our head.

I have reviewed a few older post and found a quote by Lilliput which I really appreciate "You owe them a safe and comfortable environment and that is it." I agree that dealing with an abusive parent involves setting healthy boundaries. As for cutting them off - counsellors have recommended to me that I cut off relationships with my mother and sister as they are "toxic" to me. I have chosen not to though periodically I have to take breaks to review how things are going. Seeing that your parents is well looked after does not mean you have to do it all. I am giving up POA as it is being used against me and that is stressful for me. I prefer to find someone competent and less involved to do it. The important thing, in my view, is that her finances and well being are looked after, not that I do am the one doing it, even though that is what she prefers.

They should have Lawyers that specifically address the ole school white slave racket.

Refugee outa there...

I am very new to this website and am surprised by the number of martyrs out there. Parents are adults, not children. They are responsible for preparing for their declining years.
I also think that it is none of my business what kind of relationship each sibling has with the parents. I decide what kind of relationship I myself wish to maintain with them and that's it.
I am the middle child of 11 siblings and this probably has an influence on my independence of thoughts. However, I have noticed that we can only make choices for ourselves, not for others. And we are responsible for our choices. Martha, Martha.

Arrogant selfish all people. Dont let her spoil your life. They did what they wanted when they were young. Im 60 only child with a spoilt interfering father. When he was he was always travelling He did nothing for his parents. Once this brainwashed goody goody old people die off things will change. They should teach children today your born alone and you have to sort yourself out. I have Rheumatoid arthritis flareups. My father only thinks of himself. When im 80 I should be content to sit and sleep and pay for somebody to care for me. I dont put up with nonsense from my father

They can spoil your life with your partner. Stop you going on holidays. Sort them

Never stop trying to find what works for you. Try to get POA and pay for a caregiver with her $, maybe try pea pod, do on line shopping for other essentials. If you can't get POA. Try to say no. I own my own business as well and the 1st year MIL was killing me with her constant requests/interruptions. I went to a support group and they suggested I was a control freak and was caregiving with too much gusto. So I started to say NO and explained I was making a list and would stop by after my meeting. Meetings got longer and trips became less frequent and you know what? She survived, she wasn't happy, but I was starting to show a profit again. 6 years later MIL is worse (they don't get better) but I (we) was able to put one daughter through college and starting with the second...debt free. I slowly introduced caregivers, some great, some not so great. I kept the great ones and moved on. You are in this for the long haul don't being penny wise and dollar foolish. Hire the elder lawyer, set up something that protects the both of you. Forget about the rest of the do nothing family. Best thing for us was when ours shunned us. You shun them. When they talk to you always big up MOM and that's it, after listing the things you are doing for her time and time again they will get the hint and probably stop calling if they haven't already. Unfortunately, it's the ones closest to you that can hurt you. It's hard to stay strong, just because you are taking control of your life and putting them second doesn't mean you love them less.

My husband has 7 other brothers and sisters--2 of them have lived in other states for a long time, one has moved to another part of this state recently, and there are 4 of them living right in our area. One sister is good about tending to my husbands 87 year old mother (no illnessness, lives alone, gets around good) and then there's my husband who is retired and home all the time. She constantly calls my husband for everything all the time, is constantly calling our home with problems and details of what the absentee siblings are doing all the time but yet they don't do much for her at all. It seems like my one sister-in-law and my husband are pretty much the only ones to do most things for her most of the time. The other sister-in-law does take her to the doctor occasionally, but she could do more. They all could. My husband has a heart problem and this stresses him out alot, but yet he is too danm nice to say no or even approach the other siblings urging them to at least give him a hand with doing more things for his mother. I guess they all figure that if he is doing it, they might as well not bother or something like that. It's not fair. It's not right and I am getting to the point of blowing my lid and that won't be pretty if that happens. We had a simular situation with my dad who just passed away in 2015, but all he had was me (my only sibling lives in TN) and my husband not 1/2 mile away, and I stood up to him and said no plenty of times when he got needy and babyish for no reason. But my husband will not refuse her when she calls and wants him over there which seems like constantly, and every time she calls and wants him to go over there for some nonsense, he has to get in our car and drive a 30 round trip back and forth to her place only to find that different ones of her friends or neighbors or one of the siblings that she likes more and did'nt want to bother, had actually been there but she did'nt want to bother asking them to take her to the store or wherever etc. to save my husband a trip. He is nothing more than her "errand boy." And I'm tired of him getting stressed out like this. I worry about his health over it. I just want her to quit bothering him so much and for his other siblings to start taking their fair share of the load! How should I proceed to handle this awful situation? TIA!

I feel for you, agnetha. MIL could kill your H. He is the only one who can change this. If he hasn't had a backbone about this so far, what are the chances it will happen now? The other selfish sibs will want to continue the status quo because it serves their needs.

Do you think he would ever get to the point of NOT answering her phone calls? That would be a big step, yes!

Thanks for your comment---I've even thought about putting on the silencer part of our land phone, but of course we could miss business calls. I would even talk to her myself about it, but my husband would get mad if I cross her in any way, so I'm scared to and of it causing him more stress. I have'nt even spoken to her for over a year on the phone nor visited her, and I know you will all say WHAT? But this woman has not stepped foot in our home for SEVENTEEN years and even blabbed to us about being right down the road, visiting my one sister-in-law lots and lots and lots of times. Needless to say, I don't care for my mother-in-law acting this way for so many years. (32 years married) I think she might be trying to get my husband to her house to stick her finger up in my face or something childish like that without regard for his stress or time on the road (snow packed and dangerous at times.) She has visited all the rest of the siblings in the area over and over, year after year, repeatedly, but not us for seventeen years. I'm not kidding. And if you think I am some kind of awful, horrible, disrespectful person to her, believe me I'm not. I have always been nice and kind and respectful to her all these years, but I know she has never liked me for some reason. So yes you're so right. Only my husband can tell her to knock it off, and only he can approach his other siblings to tell them that THEY also need to help carry the load, but sadly I'm afraid I can't force him to. He is just too kind and nice for his own good when it comes to pretty much all his family, especially his mother and his one brother (twin) He hardly ever will say no to either one of them, and he goes out of his way constantly for them. I just want them to play fair and equal with him you know? Sometimes I just hate that damn phone because it's always her wanting something. For example, today, she called and wanted my husband to take her to her bank which is within walking distance of her house. So he makes the 15 mile trip there on slippery snow packed roads and when he arrives there's her neighbor sitting there who would have been glad to take her the less than 1/2 block over there. She has plenty of people to cart her around, but she just HAD to bother my husband again. Makes me furious. I want to tell her to knock it off, but my husband would get upset and stressed. and she would tell him no doubt. She does'nt seem to care about his health. She only seems to care about herself and her more favorite kids that she would'nt even dream of bothering with her nonsense. She treats them like kings and queens. Sorry for the rant! :)