Is this going to be the future from now on?
Bedrooms and bathrooms are upstairs, my grandmother is 98 and still wants to spend days downstairs in the living room, she still has full control of her bladder and bowels, but has stopped going upstairs to the bathroom during the day and call me what you like but didnt even figure it out until afew days ago, because shes been sneaking into the kitchen and peeing in cups, just caught her pooing in her hand and putting it in the bin and washing her hands.
it isnt incontinence as she will wait till i pop to the shops or go into the garden.
she had poop all over her hands/fingernails(she cant even see well enough to clean her hands) just pretended that i needed to wash her hands.
how do i confront this behavior or modify it?

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The fact that she waits until you're gone seems to me that she's not comfortable discussing the issue with you and is trying to meet her needs w/o your involvement. Or it might be a reflection of her dementia. Is she getting any treatment for that?

I agree with others - get a commode for her. That's the kind thing to do instead of inferring her actions are comparable to a feral dog. And respect that she's still a woman, a human being, and is probably going through anguish, confusion and a lot more b/c of her dementia.

However, response after CWillie's and Grammy's posts is shocking, i.e., that "im (not???) going allow my grandmother to start going to the bathroom in my living room like ferral dog, she has full control of functions for gods sake and can get up and down the stairs.
this was not the answer i was expecting."

I honestly had to read this a few times to believe something so unsympathetic was posted. What kind of answer were you expecting? Seriously? What other suggestions would you have expected?

Are you medically qualified to determine full bladder and bowel control? Are you also medically qualified to determine that she can get up and down the stairs? If not, you're making observations, rather than fact based conclusions.

Your profile states that she has dementia. Have you done any research at all on dementia and how it affects someone's personal issues, including toileting issues?

The poor woman is embarrassed; have some sympathy for her. Even consider just buying a privacy screen to hide the commode. Or is it that you don't want to empty the commode? And, BTW, your living room must be quite important to you, which makes me wonder how seriously you're committed to keeping her in your home, and why I make the next suggestion.

You probably won't like this, but I'm writing it anyway. If you have so little sympathy, respect and understanding for your grandmother, perhaps APS should be involved to find a place where she does receive that respect. To compare her to a feral dog is really quite cruel. If you don't want her in your house, at least be humane and find a good memory care facility for her.

I'm still shaking my head in confusion at your callous and cruel attitude toward a basic need.
Helpful Answer (17)

Uhm, it seems to me a "feral dog" is what you already have. I'm willing to bet you don't want to hear about putting her in disposable incontinence underwear and helping her to clean up after using them either. It's OK, toileting issues are often the straw that breaks a caregiver's back, many are not cut out to providing that level of care. I reiterate, you can't "teach" someone with dementia to change their inappropriate behaviours, you can't bribe or beg or reason. Dementia kills brain cells and eventually effects every bodily function, not just behaviour. Perhaps it is time to consider a higher level of care for grandmother, someplace where there are more accessible facilities and trained caregivers.
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To some of those who respond with anger, give some thought as to what anger accomplishes. I came on here during a difficult time, and also was met with some hostile responses to simple questions I had. I also stayed away from AgingCare for a long time, as I was so overwhelmed, I simply couldn't handle another drop of negativity. I figured many things out on my own, and with other research. I cared for my mother with Alzheimer's Disease until she peacefully died at home during Stage 7, all the way to the end. If people here are asking questions, please try not to be hostile and judgmental, you really don't know what is going on in their life, and some of them, like me, just needed someone safe to talk to, when they felt their life was spiralling out of control. Patience, please. Many of us have faced the worst. Surely we can be patient with others, after all we have gone through.
Helpful Answer (14)

You can't confront her or expect someone with dementia to modify their behaviour, it is up to you to manage it.She's old, she can't handle the stairs so to her this seemed the only solution, you need to provide her a better one. The simplest solution would be to give her a more appropriate place to go, get her a portable commode, tp and wet wipes and set them up in an out of the way corner, set up a screen if you don't have any extra room.
Helpful Answer (13)

You've got to understand, a "normal" person would not poop into their cupped hands if you put a gun to their heads, it just goes so deeply against our ingrained conditioning. Dementia breaks down all those normal brain connections so that what was formerly unthinkable can seem to them a logical solution. You say she is fully continent and there is no reason she can't use the bathroom, well the reason is that her brain is broken and she has forgotten how. It isn't going to get any better, in fact it will probably get much worse as new problems arise. In the mean time, it sounds as though you have a small house so where are you when grandmother is doing these things? If she has been left alone I suggest it is no longer safe for her, next thing you know she will be burning things on the stove or wandering outside and getting lost. If you are not prepared to be on her like white on rice then it is time to find a better place for her, better sooner than later.
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The women who have responded to your post have been hands on caregivers for years

I am sorry for your poor grandmother and the situation you find yourself in now

Your words are shameful - your grandmother needs care and her needs will only escalate - it is not abominable it is a disease and an awful one at that

Please call your local county agency on aging and have a social worker do a needs assessment - if she qualifies perhaps there is in home care that can help, but if not step up and see she gets the help needed as what will you do when she's bedridden and pees and poops in bed?

You are not in this for the money but for the love of your grandma
Helpful Answer (11)

Hi Robinhood. I'm not your judge and jury. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not have a portable toilet in your living room. I wouldn't either. This care giving job is tough and I know I didn't apply for it . I'mAn only child and my mom has dementia. I have told her siblings who are also seniors. ( h*ll im one) , that I have my limits to how long I will do this. None of them help , basically no one does. I really don't expect it. But didn't want their criticisms if I don't do what they think I should. Long winded here . Sorry. Bottom line. My care giving days end when she can't bathe herself or gets really dependent. I'm not putting diapers on her. Sorry just can't. I'll know when I can't do it anymore. She's my mother. I want the her life to be as good as it can be , but when her needs exceed my abilities and patience , it will be time for her to go to a memory care facility.
Helpful Answer (10)

At least think about getting her a bedside commode. If you can figure out a place for it maybe in the laundry room if it's on her level or even the garage if you have one so that it's not in one of the main rooms.
This to me is so sad.
Helpful Answer (9)

Watch some Teepa Snow videos, Robin. Learn about dementia.

The fact that gma CAN ambulate up and down stairs occasionally does not mean that she can do so in a timely fashion when she needs to defecate or urinate.

And no, she is NOT is control of her bodily functions if she is peeing in cups and pooping in her hands. The bodily function that is broken is her brain. What she is doing makes PERFECT sense to her.
Helpful Answer (9)

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know how heartbreaking it is. When my brilliant classy Mom started to defecate into her hands due to her dementia I couldn't handle it. Even if I was sitting right with her saying "don't put your hands in there" it didn't help. Sorry to all the "better" caregivers on this forum but I had to place her in a facility at that point for her own dignity. I KNOW she would not have wanted me or her grandchildren to be cleaning up her solid waste. Bowel issues are often deal breakers. When they are handling their own feces, it's the dementia. I saw it happen with other people at my Mom's Alzheimer's care center, the filthy hands. Some residents wore special garments that only opened in the back to keep hands out of the diapers. Prayers for all.
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